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Dear Phoenix11, Ditch the boyfriend. Your parents and daughter need you. Men can come and go in your life but you will only have one set of parents.

I know living together is a fad right now. But it isn't the right thing to do. Test drives are not the way to start a life.

Tell the boyfriend bye bye. Then later you can find a man who has better ethics. No living together. No pushing you to do things. A real man. A grown up man.
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And you need to concentrate your efforts on your daughter.

Take care of yourself, your daughter, and your parents.

Another good man will come along in due time when you are through raising your daughter and after your parents don't need you anymore.
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Phoenix11 May 2020
Thank you for your kind words and great advice xo
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I would NEVER marry him ...he’s controlling & selfish. You need someone who doesn’t give you ultimatums at a time that’s so stressful that you can not even think straight! It’s not like you’re a teenager or early twenties. You could also face having to be HIS caregiver soon! Uuuuggghhhhh🤪🥵...get rid of him he’s no good! However, you DO need a plan for your parents & that plan doesn’t mean you & your daughter should be their 24/7 caregivers ...& don’t ever allow bf to move in with you. your parents & daughter because he would only be a squatter & not contribute anything...no $$$ or caregiving....Hugs 🤗
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Hi. I suffer with bad depression too. I have been divorced one and been married now for 28 years. First thing I learned from being divorced was to really get to know the guy, inside and outside. I would spend hours asking questions, seeing how he treated his family, my child, my siblings, my parents. I found out what his goals and dreams were. The then watched him move my mom into an apartment. This woman (my mom) never learned that boxes are for moving not garbage bags. Plus she never got things ready for the move. She actually was out of town on move day. My boyfriend now husband moved everything she had, and it was a lot. He never complained. He treated my 18 month old like his own. I showed him my worst sides and he always talked with me about how we could improve our relationship. I’m not saying he’s perfect because nobody is but he put others before himself. No I don’t get to walk all over him because I would not have respected someone like that. We have almost always had an open door policy. If someone needed a place to stay they were welcome as long as they went with our rules. My mom just about disowned him when we moved out of state for three years but the two of them are thick as thieves. My mom moved in with us a few months after my dad died. That was over ten years ago. She was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia six years ago and is in the lasted stages now. That man last night helped me clean her up after she had an accident. He helps bathe and toilet her. You deserve someone who cares about the thing you care about. Who’s going to be there with you for the good times and the rough ones. Everyone can be selfish at times including myself and my husband. But family always comes first. We know that we always have each other’s back. We chose to move closer to his mom because she has Alzheimer’s but she lives in a step up community. If it weren’t for family we’d be living in Alaska or some other country. But family matters to us and it sounds like it does to you too. You will find someone when you’re not looking and he’ll be a better fit. Don’t settle!
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Phoenix11 May 2020
Hi Sarah, you have a lovely name, I chose that name for my daughter as well...😊 I have to say your post brought tears to my eyes, both happy and sad. I’m sorry for what you must be going through with your mother as well as the loss of your father and now your mother in law’s declining health, that is a lot to handle physically and mentally. I honestly can’t face the fact that I may loose my parents some day, not a day goes by where I don’t think about it. I really do empathize with your depression, especially because sometimes even the people that love and care the most don’t understand it, and it can cause a feeling of loneliness or isolation. I suffer a lot from anxiety attacks and tend to think I’m dying a lot of the time.
Life is so hard at times, but when you have the right people in your life it can make such a world of difference. You have a wonderful man by your side and by the sounds of it, he has a pretty special lady in his life too! Thank you for sharing this heart felt story, I definitely won’t settle, and I’ll try not to look while I’m waiting...lol
xoxoxo
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Phoenix, I am so glad you are not willing to settle. The right man will come along. Calling you a LOSER??? REALLY??? Ummm NO!!! No way!! Kick that man to the curb and wait for the right one to come along. He will come along. Please don't settle. He doesn't deserve you. I have been married 35 years and I can honestly say I can't rememeber one time where he ever called me names when we were arguing. I do remember when we were outside with our neighbors and my neighbor called his girlfriend a loser and after they went inside my husband said I can't believe he called his girlfriend a loser. Especially in front of us. Needless to say, she is not with him anymore. She lives by herself.
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I would not move in with this man.

He doesn't sound very responsible nor seem to have respect for your aging parents.

If he really loved you. He would propose and he would talk to you about a plan for continuing your help with your parents.

Yiu should speak with your parents and see how they would feel about him moving in with them if ya'll decide to get married or if they would rather you get an application close by, and see what they think on the subject.

As they need more help, they would have to be able to afford hiring a Caregiver a few hours a day and or evening. Also a good time to talk about eventually they would be needing more help and about how they would feel about them hiring a Live In when the time comes when they needed more help.

You should now have Nanny Cams setup so you can keep an eye on them from work.

They should also at least one of them be wearing a First Alert in case of an emergency.

Your Dad is at an age where he probably really shouldn't be driving. Talk with his Dr about it and let his Dr tell him that if that is the case.

They could have their groceries delivered and call the # for Senior / Aging help and arrange for rides to their Dr appointments.

As you know, they helped you when you needed it by continually providing love and a home for you and their Grandchild.

You should definitely make a list and see if you would be happier with or without your boyfriend.

It might just be time to find a more giving and loving boyfriend who has more compassion for your parents.

Church might be a good place to socialize.

Also, I wouldn't even consider letting him move in to your parents home until you are married.

Prayers.
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Phoenix11 May 2020
My mother tells me all the time to move out and live my life, but I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to do it emotionally most of all more than anything. I know it would kill my dad who already suffers from depression, he’s also very afraid of dying, he always has been. my daughter now that she is older is more open to the idea, but I know for sure that this would cause so much grief. My mother says this because I don’t even think she realizes all the little yet important things I do around the house to keep it safe and comfortable, meaning not the obvious things such as laundry, cleaning etc. I like the idea of the nanny cams and the alert bracelets, I actually never thought of that. My father is a very stubborn man, although loving and with a huge heart, he doesn’t let anyone make any decisions for them. It’s hard because mentally they are 100% (thankfully) but physically they are not able. But like I said they have never guilted me into staying, even my siblings tell me I am free to go and my parents will be fine. I know this is not true, I’m with them every day, I see them all the time, I’m watching their decline, and I know what I do, I know they will not be ok. And it is so depressing to watch, I’m so depressed because of it, I’m so attached to them, I worry constantly. They have done so much for me and I feel that it’s not right to leave them when they need me. Yet I feel sad because I want my own home as well, my own life, but I know I couldn’t be happy knowing that I left them. My mother says that she would hire a live in nanny. But again this worries me, because it would have to be the right person, they need to be comfortable with that person. We had a home care provider for my parents for 7 years, she was wonderful, she was like family to us. She had to leave us a few months back, it was devastating, my parents were so depressed and I found myself crying in my room because I missed her so much as well. They went through so many people before they could find a suitable fit, I know my dad can be difficult too. But think about it, would you want someone coming in to your home daily, shower you and so on that your not even comfortable with or who isn’t that nice? The elderly deserve to have quality of life, not just the bare minimum before they get thrown in their grave.
My parents also have even suggested that my boyfriend can move in, at first I thought that was the answer. I could have my cake and eat it too.
But the more I thought about it, the more I knew it would be a bad idea. First of all, I’m on edge al lot of the time because of catering to everyone else plus my own life, I love my parents very much, but living with them is no picnic, and it’s mentally draining. It would be the death of our relationship, that is even if it were a good one to begin with. Anyways that is off table right now. My boyfriend will never propose, I’ve listened to him make all kinds of promises for over three years. When the time comes to fulfil it, he never does. He always finds a way out and justifies it. I don’t even think I want any man in my life. It’s just too painful. When you think you found the perfect one, it turns out it was all lies and deception and more time wasted.
thanks for your thoughts and advice xoxox
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You deserve so much better than this man. You really do. Someone very wise once said to me, “People will treat you how you treat yourself.” I will admit I didn’t understand her message at first. It took me awhile to grasp her message. Guess who told me that? My daughter. Listen to the messages from people who really matter.

I was allowing my mom to dictate my life. Mind you, both of my daughters adore my mom. My mom loves them dearly. I do not interfere in their relationship. It is separate from my relationship with my mom. My mom and I no longer live with each other and it’s for the best.

Wishing you the very best life has to offer. I have two daughters. I love them dearly. I bet your mom wants the very best for you. Just like you want the best for her.

The bottom line is that you owe yourself the best. You owe your daughter the best by giving her the best part of yourself. I am not trying to hurt you. I’m really not, but I am going to be very frank here. You don’t owe him a single thing, not one single thing. Close this door so a fantastic door can open down the road.

So, I am asking you as one woman to another, as one daughter to another and one mother to another mother to please focus on what is truly important. He isn’t what is most important and I think deep down you know that.

You definitely don’t strike me as an ignorant woman. You are too smart to place this much time and energy on this man. He will survive if you leave him and you will thrive without him.

He is a weight around your ankles that is dragging you down. Once you are away from him, your load will lighten and you will be able to think more clearly all around. Please just think about what I have said. Thanks.
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There are so many red flags here about your boyfriend I don't know where to begin. When the right man comes along he will blend into your family and you into his. In the mean time, please focus on self care, your daughter and enjoying your elderly parents before they leave this world.
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My dad was afraid of the BIG C. :(

he was right... that's what got him...

my friend and i were talking after her dad died of the BIG C... She said there was an ending time.... comes sooner or more knowlingly than ALZ... She saw me with both... She said she would rather go through what she did with her dad than what I went through with my mom... I am on the fence... It is tough to see your loved one go through the tangles of time... all of us know, "These bodies do not last forever"'.. ain't that the truth FIL? He always said that to me.. These bodies do not last forever... I miss him too.
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Hey PHoenix: You don't need someone to fulfill your life... You need you to accept you as you are..

"that is even if it were a good one to begin with.  " I think you were mentioning your relation with the boyfriend.

You want someone you can share your life experience with.. You don't need to get married, you are not going to have more kids... But then again,,,YOU NEED RESPECT AND HONESTY... Honestly.. if YOU Don't feel right about moving out.. THEN DON'T.. It is not the right time for you or your parents, even though they say... go ahead. Heck.. what more can you do? YOU RAISED YOUR DAUGHTER ON YOUR OWN without the dad around, if I read it correctly... Your parents are your support beams....
One of my best friends who has never been married, and thankfully ditched a few along the way... is fine without having to commit to anybody, when are you coming home, what's for dinner, where are you going now?.... Nope, she gladly does what she wants, goes where she wants, goes shopping when she wants, gardens, etc etc... You get it.. .She has her own free choices,,, doesn't need to answer to nobody... yes, maybe your parents once in a while., but that's okay, you are sharing a home together with them and your daughter...Yo should let them know what you are doing so they don't worry...
If you two really love eachother, it should show somewhere... and perhaps as Beatty says,, seek counseling...
LIfe is a garden.. it has beauty, and thorns too... so be careful.. there may be snails an snakes as well....and beautiful blooms if you look close enough. I jsut found a flower.. I suppose... It looks like a little bouquet of flowers...I tink it's called a phlox... petite and pretty.
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well, you do not need insults, especially now... And they usually don't get better.. but;... I need to ask... Does he ever compliment you? Ever? at all?
If you need to think hard about that question, or when the last time he did compliment you, maybe that is your answer. You don't necessarily have to break up with him... just don't move out and in with him until YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO MOVE. your daughter is 12? That would be something I would have to think hard about too. Especially your daughter... her grandparents...
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Your Dad is at an age where he probably really shouldn't be driving. Talk with his Dr about it and let his Dr tell him that if that is the case.

TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT... My brother was a fireman. Every accident that involved an elderly person.. was automatically the elder's fault...

Why? Because they have a quick answer/agreement.... Yes, I guess I caused it...

Insurance, etc. not worth it... injuring someone even if it wasn't their fault, only default due to age.... not worth it. He would feel guilty... no doubt...
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hubby and I dated for 13 years before we decided to get married.. Or I was afraid to find another perdy pearl... I did not move in with him until year 13...? But I didn't have commitments like aging parents then.... we finally got that commitment with both our parents, and all... Thank God we got married and stayed within 20 minutes of everyone... it really helped with them aging and all. Our daughter was born at the right time for her grandparents... She is our miracle baby... well... not anymore.... I could not imagine rearing up a kid on my own...Thank God you had your parents... I would not know what to do if she didn't have 3 of her grandparents, they really showed love, and kindness, and love, and patience...All in driving distance... and their support ... She lost them all too soon. we all did... I don't know when the right time would be... seems it never is the right time to say goodbye.
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My opinion is he needs to put a ring on it, or else back off with trying to come first.
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I’m going to change my answer for this one. I formerly said to require a commitment from him, but now I’m going to beg you to leave this guy.
I understand that it’s hard to think about after being together for so long, and I was the same. I stayed with my boyfriend for over two years without a commitment, which he refused. I’m so glad I left him, and my ONLY regret is that i didn’t dump him sooner! It is a bit lonely at first, but my real friends and family helped me through. There are lots of online free meetup groups, and millions of eligible bachelors who will treat you like a Queen, or at least better than your knucklehead “boyfriend”. If you feel worse about yourself when you’re with him, that’s your own intuition speaking to you!! Please give him a cheeseburger and a roadmap. Dump this bad boyfriend! If you’re lonely and don’t have anyone to talk to, please message me and I will talk to you!
Hugs!
Gretchen
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Phoenix11 May 2020
Thank you Gretchen, I wish I could hug you right now!
🤗🤗
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Phoenix11 and any other dear readers who may have unhealthy attachment issues in adulthood as a result of poor parenting: I highly suggest the book, " Ghosted and Breadcrumbed," by Dr. Marni Feuerman. It really is helping me to gain insight; I have always had attachment issues with adult relationships (romantic mainly). What a wealth of useful information! I bought it on audible, so I'm listening to it while I work out and before bed.
Dr Todd Grande is a wonderful YouTube presenter with some fantastic videos on the topics of mental health and attachment issues related to poor father/daughter and mother/daughter relationships. Katie Morton is also a YouTube presenter with some Really helpful self-care suggestions for those of us who didn't get the love and care we were supposed to get when we were children. I'm not paid or affiliated in any way with these authors/presenters; I just have found them to be helpful and relatively low-cost and free, compared to formal therapy.
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Phoenix11 May 2020
Gemswinner12 thank you, I appreciate that, I will look for that book. I do have attachment issues, I don’t know what it is, I can’t stand the thought of goodbye. I can’t let go even though I know it’s toxic. Part of it is I think of my age and all the time invested, then I think of some of the goodness (breadcrumbs) and I can’t let go. But then again even when I was much younger, I was the same, I wasted so much time in mismatched relationships. Thanks so much for reaching out again with some great advice. It couldn’t have come on a better day xoxoxoxo
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