My boyfriend and I have been together for more than three years. We do love each other and would like to get married one day and share our future together. He is divorced and has adult children who do not live with him. I am a single mom to a 12 year old girl, I have never been married and her father has never been in her life. We both have been living with my elderly parents in their home since she was born, at the time my parents were healthier and able to live independently for the most part. I also work full time and have some of my own health issues. My father now almost 90 and my mom a bit younger but has many serious health problems as well as mobility problems. She can not climb stairs and cannot walk without her walker. They have their beds set up in the living room. My father still does drive but very little. I help them as much as I can as well as help maintain the home inside and out. They have personal care workers that come a few times a week to help with showers and some light duties. My father has someone for snow removal and cutting grass. But I know that personal help they get from outside the home would not be nearly enough to sustain them living on their own. Since I’ve had my daughter up until almost four years ago, I focused strictly on my daughter, my job, my parents and the home. Although I was exhausted all of the time, I have no regret. But it does get lonely. So I met this man a little over three years ago, and I do want a future with him. But I don’t know how to pick up and have my own life? I know my parents need me, they wouldn’t be able to live in their home on their own. And then there is my daughter to consider, she grew up with my parents from birth, they are her home. And they are extremely attached to her as well. So it’s not only the physical care but the emotional devastation that would cause to my daughter and my parents, especially my father. I really feel stuck. I want my own life but not at the expense of my family. Of course my boyfriend knew the situation from the beginning, and he accepted it. We talked about him moving in to my parents house as well, until the time is right and we can have our own home. Ideally I would live very close to them so that I could check in with them daily. I know that this isn’t an easy thing for him to deal with either, he has no ties so he just wants me to leave and get an apartment with him, he doesn’t address how we will care for my parents, he just says I have two other siblings and they can worry about it. One of my siblings lives in another province and the other is married with two small children with their own home. I just feel it’s very selfish of him to just expect me to abandon them without a care or a plan. In fact he talks about living in areas that are quite far from my parents, not to mention my daughters life would be completely uprooted, taken out of the home she’s always known, different school, new friends and at a very delicate age as well. I’m so torn, I feel guilty if I move, I feel guilty if I don’t move, but mostly I feel angry at the way he wants to go about it. Without a care about how this will impact my family members that do need me. I really don’t know what to do. I’m chronically depressed.
He’s pushing me to move out with him, he says I need to grow up! He’s acting as if I’m 25 living at home while my parents cater to me. I’m a middle aged woman working full time, raising my daughter on my own, while taking care of my elderly parents...house and home. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place I guess. I really don’t know what to do. I feel stuck. And I just wanted to mention as well that he has brought up wanting to get married about a year into the relationship, yet he has not proposed. I mentioned this to him and he said he will never propose until we live together first. Am I supposed to create chaos in my family just so he can test drive me? But no real commitment?
I know living together is a fad right now. But it isn't the right thing to do. Test drives are not the way to start a life.
Tell the boyfriend bye bye. Then later you can find a man who has better ethics. No living together. No pushing you to do things. A real man. A grown up man.
Take care of yourself, your daughter, and your parents.
Another good man will come along in due time when you are through raising your daughter and after your parents don't need you anymore.
Life is so hard at times, but when you have the right people in your life it can make such a world of difference. You have a wonderful man by your side and by the sounds of it, he has a pretty special lady in his life too! Thank you for sharing this heart felt story, I definitely won’t settle, and I’ll try not to look while I’m waiting...lol
xoxoxo
He doesn't sound very responsible nor seem to have respect for your aging parents.
If he really loved you. He would propose and he would talk to you about a plan for continuing your help with your parents.
Yiu should speak with your parents and see how they would feel about him moving in with them if ya'll decide to get married or if they would rather you get an application close by, and see what they think on the subject.
As they need more help, they would have to be able to afford hiring a Caregiver a few hours a day and or evening. Also a good time to talk about eventually they would be needing more help and about how they would feel about them hiring a Live In when the time comes when they needed more help.
You should now have Nanny Cams setup so you can keep an eye on them from work.
They should also at least one of them be wearing a First Alert in case of an emergency.
Your Dad is at an age where he probably really shouldn't be driving. Talk with his Dr about it and let his Dr tell him that if that is the case.
They could have their groceries delivered and call the # for Senior / Aging help and arrange for rides to their Dr appointments.
As you know, they helped you when you needed it by continually providing love and a home for you and their Grandchild.
You should definitely make a list and see if you would be happier with or without your boyfriend.
It might just be time to find a more giving and loving boyfriend who has more compassion for your parents.
Church might be a good place to socialize.
Also, I wouldn't even consider letting him move in to your parents home until you are married.
Prayers.
My parents also have even suggested that my boyfriend can move in, at first I thought that was the answer. I could have my cake and eat it too.
But the more I thought about it, the more I knew it would be a bad idea. First of all, I’m on edge al lot of the time because of catering to everyone else plus my own life, I love my parents very much, but living with them is no picnic, and it’s mentally draining. It would be the death of our relationship, that is even if it were a good one to begin with. Anyways that is off table right now. My boyfriend will never propose, I’ve listened to him make all kinds of promises for over three years. When the time comes to fulfil it, he never does. He always finds a way out and justifies it. I don’t even think I want any man in my life. It’s just too painful. When you think you found the perfect one, it turns out it was all lies and deception and more time wasted.
thanks for your thoughts and advice xoxox
I was allowing my mom to dictate my life. Mind you, both of my daughters adore my mom. My mom loves them dearly. I do not interfere in their relationship. It is separate from my relationship with my mom. My mom and I no longer live with each other and it’s for the best.
Wishing you the very best life has to offer. I have two daughters. I love them dearly. I bet your mom wants the very best for you. Just like you want the best for her.
The bottom line is that you owe yourself the best. You owe your daughter the best by giving her the best part of yourself. I am not trying to hurt you. I’m really not, but I am going to be very frank here. You don’t owe him a single thing, not one single thing. Close this door so a fantastic door can open down the road.
So, I am asking you as one woman to another, as one daughter to another and one mother to another mother to please focus on what is truly important. He isn’t what is most important and I think deep down you know that.
You definitely don’t strike me as an ignorant woman. You are too smart to place this much time and energy on this man. He will survive if you leave him and you will thrive without him.
He is a weight around your ankles that is dragging you down. Once you are away from him, your load will lighten and you will be able to think more clearly all around. Please just think about what I have said. Thanks.
he was right... that's what got him...
my friend and i were talking after her dad died of the BIG C... She said there was an ending time.... comes sooner or more knowlingly than ALZ... She saw me with both... She said she would rather go through what she did with her dad than what I went through with my mom... I am on the fence... It is tough to see your loved one go through the tangles of time... all of us know, "These bodies do not last forever"'.. ain't that the truth FIL? He always said that to me.. These bodies do not last forever... I miss him too.
"that is even if it were a good one to begin with. " I think you were mentioning your relation with the boyfriend.
You want someone you can share your life experience with.. You don't need to get married, you are not going to have more kids... But then again,,,YOU NEED RESPECT AND HONESTY... Honestly.. if YOU Don't feel right about moving out.. THEN DON'T.. It is not the right time for you or your parents, even though they say... go ahead. Heck.. what more can you do? YOU RAISED YOUR DAUGHTER ON YOUR OWN without the dad around, if I read it correctly... Your parents are your support beams....
One of my best friends who has never been married, and thankfully ditched a few along the way... is fine without having to commit to anybody, when are you coming home, what's for dinner, where are you going now?.... Nope, she gladly does what she wants, goes where she wants, goes shopping when she wants, gardens, etc etc... You get it.. .She has her own free choices,,, doesn't need to answer to nobody... yes, maybe your parents once in a while., but that's okay, you are sharing a home together with them and your daughter...Yo should let them know what you are doing so they don't worry...
If you two really love eachother, it should show somewhere... and perhaps as Beatty says,, seek counseling...
LIfe is a garden.. it has beauty, and thorns too... so be careful.. there may be snails an snakes as well....and beautiful blooms if you look close enough. I jsut found a flower.. I suppose... It looks like a little bouquet of flowers...I tink it's called a phlox... petite and pretty.
If you need to think hard about that question, or when the last time he did compliment you, maybe that is your answer. You don't necessarily have to break up with him... just don't move out and in with him until YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO MOVE. your daughter is 12? That would be something I would have to think hard about too. Especially your daughter... her grandparents...
TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT... My brother was a fireman. Every accident that involved an elderly person.. was automatically the elder's fault...
Why? Because they have a quick answer/agreement.... Yes, I guess I caused it...
Insurance, etc. not worth it... injuring someone even if it wasn't their fault, only default due to age.... not worth it. He would feel guilty... no doubt...
I understand that it’s hard to think about after being together for so long, and I was the same. I stayed with my boyfriend for over two years without a commitment, which he refused. I’m so glad I left him, and my ONLY regret is that i didn’t dump him sooner! It is a bit lonely at first, but my real friends and family helped me through. There are lots of online free meetup groups, and millions of eligible bachelors who will treat you like a Queen, or at least better than your knucklehead “boyfriend”. If you feel worse about yourself when you’re with him, that’s your own intuition speaking to you!! Please give him a cheeseburger and a roadmap. Dump this bad boyfriend! If you’re lonely and don’t have anyone to talk to, please message me and I will talk to you!
Hugs!
Gretchen
🤗🤗
Dr Todd Grande is a wonderful YouTube presenter with some fantastic videos on the topics of mental health and attachment issues related to poor father/daughter and mother/daughter relationships. Katie Morton is also a YouTube presenter with some Really helpful self-care suggestions for those of us who didn't get the love and care we were supposed to get when we were children. I'm not paid or affiliated in any way with these authors/presenters; I just have found them to be helpful and relatively low-cost and free, compared to formal therapy.