My boyfriend wants me to put him first above my elderly parents whom I live with and help care for. Is he being unreasonable?

Phoenix11 and any other dear readers who may have unhealthy attachment issues in adulthood as a result of poor parenting: I highly suggest the book, " Ghosted and Breadcrumbed," by Dr. Marni Feuerman. It really is helping me to gain insight; I have always had attachment issues with adult relationships (romantic mainly). What a wealth of useful information! I bought it on audible, so I'm listening to it while I work out and before bed.
Dr Todd Grande is a wonderful YouTube presenter with some fantastic videos on the topics of mental health and attachment issues related to poor father/daughter and mother/daughter relationships. Katie Morton is also a YouTube presenter with some Really helpful self-care suggestions for those of us who didn't get the love and care we were supposed to get when we were children. I'm not paid or affiliated in any way with these authors/presenters; I just have found them to be helpful and relatively low-cost and free, compared to formal therapy.

I’m going to change my answer for this one. I formerly said to require a commitment from him, but now I’m going to beg you to leave this guy.
I understand that it’s hard to think about after being together for so long, and I was the same. I stayed with my boyfriend for over two years without a commitment, which he refused. I’m so glad I left him, and my ONLY regret is that i didn’t dump him sooner! It is a bit lonely at first, but my real friends and family helped me through. There are lots of online free meetup groups, and millions of eligible bachelors who will treat you like a Queen, or at least better than your knucklehead “boyfriend”. If you feel worse about yourself when you’re with him, that’s your own intuition speaking to you!! Please give him a cheeseburger and a roadmap. Dump this bad boyfriend! If you’re lonely and don’t have anyone to talk to, please message me and I will talk to you!
Hugs!
Gretchen

My opinion is he needs to put a ring on it, or else back off with trying to come first.

hubby and I dated for 13 years before we decided to get married.. Or I was afraid to find another perdy pearl... I did not move in with him until year 13...? But I didn't have commitments like aging parents then.... we finally got that commitment with both our parents, and all... Thank God we got married and stayed within 20 minutes of everyone... it really helped with them aging and all. Our daughter was born at the right time for her grandparents... She is our miracle baby... well... not anymore.... I could not imagine rearing up a kid on my own...Thank God you had your parents... I would not know what to do if she didn't have 3 of her grandparents, they really showed love, and kindness, and love, and patience...All in driving distance... and their support ... She lost them all too soon. we all did... I don't know when the right time would be... seems it never is the right time to say goodbye.

Your Dad is at an age where he probably really shouldn't be driving. Talk with his Dr about it and let his Dr tell him that if that is the case.

TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT... My brother was a fireman. Every accident that involved an elderly person.. was automatically the elder's fault...

Why? Because they have a quick answer/agreement.... Yes, I guess I caused it...

Insurance, etc. not worth it... injuring someone even if it wasn't their fault, only default due to age.... not worth it. He would feel guilty... no doubt...

well, you do not need insults, especially now... And they usually don't get better.. but;... I need to ask... Does he ever compliment you? Ever? at all?
If you need to think hard about that question, or when the last time he did compliment you, maybe that is your answer. You don't necessarily have to break up with him... just don't move out and in with him until YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO MOVE. your daughter is 12? That would be something I would have to think hard about too. Especially your daughter... her grandparents...

Hey PHoenix: You don't need someone to fulfill your life... You need you to accept you as you are..

"that is even if it were a good one to begin with.  " I think you were mentioning your relation with the boyfriend.

You want someone you can share your life experience with.. You don't need to get married, you are not going to have more kids... But then again,,,YOU NEED RESPECT AND HONESTY... Honestly.. if YOU Don't feel right about moving out.. THEN DON'T.. It is not the right time for you or your parents, even though they say... go ahead. Heck.. what more can you do? YOU RAISED YOUR DAUGHTER ON YOUR OWN without the dad around, if I read it correctly... Your parents are your support beams....
One of my best friends who has never been married, and thankfully ditched a few along the way... is fine without having to commit to anybody, when are you coming home, what's for dinner, where are you going now?.... Nope, she gladly does what she wants, goes where she wants, goes shopping when she wants, gardens, etc etc... You get it.. .She has her own free choices,,, doesn't need to answer to nobody... yes, maybe your parents once in a while., but that's okay, you are sharing a home together with them and your daughter...Yo should let them know what you are doing so they don't worry...
If you two really love eachother, it should show somewhere... and perhaps as Beatty says,, seek counseling...
LIfe is a garden.. it has beauty, and thorns too... so be careful.. there may be snails an snakes as well....and beautiful blooms if you look close enough. I jsut found a flower.. I suppose... It looks like a little bouquet of flowers...I tink it's called a phlox... petite and pretty.

My dad was afraid of the BIG C. :(

he was right... that's what got him...

my friend and i were talking after her dad died of the BIG C... She said there was an ending time.... comes sooner or more knowlingly than ALZ... She saw me with both... She said she would rather go through what she did with her dad than what I went through with my mom... I am on the fence... It is tough to see your loved one go through the tangles of time... all of us know, "These bodies do not last forever"'.. ain't that the truth FIL? He always said that to me.. These bodies do not last forever... I miss him too.

There are so many red flags here about your boyfriend I don't know where to begin. When the right man comes along he will blend into your family and you into his. In the mean time, please focus on self care, your daughter and enjoying your elderly parents before they leave this world.

You deserve so much better than this man. You really do. Someone very wise once said to me, “People will treat you how you treat yourself.” I will admit I didn’t understand her message at first. It took me awhile to grasp her message. Guess who told me that? My daughter. Listen to the messages from people who really matter.

I was allowing my mom to dictate my life. Mind you, both of my daughters adore my mom. My mom loves them dearly. I do not interfere in their relationship. It is separate from my relationship with my mom. My mom and I no longer live with each other and it’s for the best.

Wishing you the very best life has to offer. I have two daughters. I love them dearly. I bet your mom wants the very best for you. Just like you want the best for her.

The bottom line is that you owe yourself the best. You owe your daughter the best by giving her the best part of yourself. I am not trying to hurt you. I’m really not, but I am going to be very frank here. You don’t owe him a single thing, not one single thing. Close this door so a fantastic door can open down the road.

So, I am asking you as one woman to another, as one daughter to another and one mother to another mother to please focus on what is truly important. He isn’t what is most important and I think deep down you know that.

You definitely don’t strike me as an ignorant woman. You are too smart to place this much time and energy on this man. He will survive if you leave him and you will thrive without him.

He is a weight around your ankles that is dragging you down. Once you are away from him, your load will lighten and you will be able to think more clearly all around. Please just think about what I have said. Thanks.

I would not move in with this man.

He doesn't sound very responsible nor seem to have respect for your aging parents.

If he really loved you. He would propose and he would talk to you about a plan for continuing your help with your parents.

Yiu should speak with your parents and see how they would feel about him moving in with them if ya'll decide to get married or if they would rather you get an application close by, and see what they think on the subject.

As they need more help, they would have to be able to afford hiring a Caregiver a few hours a day and or evening. Also a good time to talk about eventually they would be needing more help and about how they would feel about them hiring a Live In when the time comes when they needed more help.

You should now have Nanny Cams setup so you can keep an eye on them from work.

They should also at least one of them be wearing a First Alert in case of an emergency.

Your Dad is at an age where he probably really shouldn't be driving. Talk with his Dr about it and let his Dr tell him that if that is the case.

They could have their groceries delivered and call the # for Senior / Aging help and arrange for rides to their Dr appointments.

As you know, they helped you when you needed it by continually providing love and a home for you and their Grandchild.

You should definitely make a list and see if you would be happier with or without your boyfriend.

It might just be time to find a more giving and loving boyfriend who has more compassion for your parents.

Church might be a good place to socialize.

Also, I wouldn't even consider letting him move in to your parents home until you are married.

Prayers.

Phoenix, I am so glad you are not willing to settle. The right man will come along. Calling you a LOSER??? REALLY??? Ummm NO!!! No way!! Kick that man to the curb and wait for the right one to come along. He will come along. Please don't settle. He doesn't deserve you. I have been married 35 years and I can honestly say I can't rememeber one time where he ever called me names when we were arguing. I do remember when we were outside with our neighbors and my neighbor called his girlfriend a loser and after they went inside my husband said I can't believe he called his girlfriend a loser. Especially in front of us. Needless to say, she is not with him anymore. She lives by herself.

Hi. I suffer with bad depression too. I have been divorced one and been married now for 28 years. First thing I learned from being divorced was to really get to know the guy, inside and outside. I would spend hours asking questions, seeing how he treated his family, my child, my siblings, my parents. I found out what his goals and dreams were. The then watched him move my mom into an apartment. This woman (my mom) never learned that boxes are for moving not garbage bags. Plus she never got things ready for the move. She actually was out of town on move day. My boyfriend now husband moved everything she had, and it was a lot. He never complained. He treated my 18 month old like his own. I showed him my worst sides and he always talked with me about how we could improve our relationship. I’m not saying he’s perfect because nobody is but he put others before himself. No I don’t get to walk all over him because I would not have respected someone like that. We have almost always had an open door policy. If someone needed a place to stay they were welcome as long as they went with our rules. My mom just about disowned him when we moved out of state for three years but the two of them are thick as thieves. My mom moved in with us a few months after my dad died. That was over ten years ago. She was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia six years ago and is in the lasted stages now. That man last night helped me clean her up after she had an accident. He helps bathe and toilet her. You deserve someone who cares about the thing you care about. Who’s going to be there with you for the good times and the rough ones. Everyone can be selfish at times including myself and my husband. But family always comes first. We know that we always have each other’s back. We chose to move closer to his mom because she has Alzheimer’s but she lives in a step up community. If it weren’t for family we’d be living in Alaska or some other country. But family matters to us and it sounds like it does to you too. You will find someone when you’re not looking and he’ll be a better fit. Don’t settle!

I would NEVER marry him ...he’s controlling & selfish. You need someone who doesn’t give you ultimatums at a time that’s so stressful that you can not even think straight! It’s not like you’re a teenager or early twenties. You could also face having to be HIS caregiver soon! Uuuuggghhhhh🤪🥵...get rid of him he’s no good! However, you DO need a plan for your parents & that plan doesn’t mean you & your daughter should be their 24/7 caregivers ...& don’t ever allow bf to move in with you. your parents & daughter because he would only be a squatter & not contribute anything...no $$$ or caregiving....Hugs 🤗

And you need to concentrate your efforts on your daughter.

Take care of yourself, your daughter, and your parents.

Another good man will come along in due time when you are through raising your daughter and after your parents don't need you anymore.

Dear Phoenix11, Ditch the boyfriend. Your parents and daughter need you. Men can come and go in your life but you will only have one set of parents.

I know living together is a fad right now. But it isn't the right thing to do. Test drives are not the way to start a life.

Tell the boyfriend bye bye. Then later you can find a man who has better ethics. No living together. No pushing you to do things. A real man. A grown up man.

Another thought...
What your boyfriend is demanding of you:
1) Moving in with him;
2) Putting him before your daughter, mother, and father;
only happens under the commitment of a marriage. Before #1 and #2 happen.

Where the bible talks about leaving and cleaving. The two shall become as one, and leave their parents.

With a 12 year old daughter, and caregiver of your parents, I think your options are less ideal and the test drive is over.

You deserve something closer to the ideal relationship, so wait for it.

"...but the truth is when he first came into my life, he was a completely different person. I fell in love with the person I thought he was..."

Pheonix - you are very smart to have second thought about his guy and to have posted your question here to ask for input. Please get rid of him. And don't let him back in no matter what he says.

Here's a few things about abusive and controlling people I found online. See how many of these characteristics match your boyfriend.

"What Is Controlling Behavior? Controlling behavior is when one person expects, compels, or requires others to cater to their own needs — even at others' expense. The controlling person targets an individual and dominates them in an unhealthy, self-serving manner."

"12 Traits of an Abuser:

1. Charming.
Initially, he showers his woman with praise, adoration, and attention. His courtship is sweet and intense filled with phrases such as, “I can’t live without you.” He quickly pushes for an exclusive relationship or engagement.

2. Jealous.
He views other men as a threat to the relationship and accuses you of flirting with everyone from his brother to the mailman. “I know you are looking at him.” The irony is that he often is the one who is cheating.

3. Manipulative.
This man is very intelligent. He knows how to detect your weak spots, and he uses your vulnerability and past pain to his advantage. “You were abused as a kid because you are so ugly.”

4. Controlling.
He wants to know where you are going and who you are with at all times. He may check the mileage on your car or follow you to the grocery store. He often refuses to allow you to work because you might “meet someone.”

5. A Victim.
His poor choices are everyone else’s fault. When he loses his job, gets into a fight, or a business deal falls through, it’s always because of the other person. He is never at fault. “You make me hit you.”

6. Narcissistic.
The whole world revolves around him. As the “little woman who is beneath him,” it is your job to meet his every need. He is the master; you are the unworthy slave. It’s invigorating for him to know that everyone around him “walks on eggshells.”

7. Inconsistent.
Mood swings are a common trait for an abuser. One minute he seems happy and sweet, the next he is pounding his fist.

8. Critical.
No matter how hard you try you will never be able to satisfy this kind of man. He thinks nothing of degrading and verbally assaulting you. “You are a stupid, fat, disgusting tramp. You can never leave me. No other man would have you.”

9. Disconnected.
His main goal is to isolate his victim from family and friends so that you are totally dependant on him. “Your family causes too much trouble for us. I don’t want you seeing them anymore.”

10. Hypersensitive.
The slightest offense sends him ranting. Everyone is out to “get him.”

11. Vicious and cruel.
A significant number of abusers harm children and animals as well as a partner. Inflicting pain and intimidating others is what gives him power. “I’ll kill you before I’ll let you go. If I can’t have you, no one will.”

12. Insincerely repentant.
He will swear to never “hit you again.” But unless he receives professional help and strong accountability it’s very unlikely that he will change.

If this article has helped you to realize that you or a loved one is in an abusive relationship, please find a church, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or locate a safe house in your community. They can help."

Before you become a permanent dance partner, bitter and resentful of becoming used up, please read this:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-dance-between-codependents-narcissists/

And dance away....

Dump your boyfriend. He sounds like a jerk. No plan as to how to care for your elderly parents? Move away and uproot your daughter? Live with you but not marry you? I wouldn’t do it. You deserve so much better.

Phoenix, so glad you've come to the conclusion you have; be wary of him, though. Sendhelp aced it when she said he is a "Controlling Narcissist". Please look it up; I have, and it opened my eyes to a great deal of things. God bless, sweetie!

When I met my current husband, my daughter was 12 years old at the time. Chuck was the first and only 'boyfriend' she'd ever met; that's how I wanted it. I had dated, but nobody I liked enough to introduce her to. I waited until I met Mr Right, in other words, to get her involved. She had other ideas. She and her BFF Erin decided he had no place in our lives at ALL! So they schemed to get rid of him. Yep, that's what they did, alright! Unbeknownst to me or to my boyfriend at the time.

Chuck loved my daughter, and personally vowed to take us BOTH on, together, as a package deal. The first outing he took DD on was to a CD store. He told her she had unlimited time in the store to browse, and that she could choose any 5 CDs she wanted. It wasn't the CDs that shocked her........it was the offer to spend AS MUCH TIME as she wanted shopping around. Her father never had any time for her at all. His answer to being a father was writing a check. She wasn't used to someone like Chuck.

That was the beginning of THE most beautiful relationship I've ever had the pleasure to witness develop.

She & Erin had no other choice but to ditch their plan to get rid of him!

Chuck has turned into the father her biological father was incapable of being. She's now 28 years old and an RN in a COVID-19 unit in a downtown hospital. She first decided she wanted to be a hairdresser. Chuck was there for her every step of the way; he never told her Oh No Don't Be a Hairdresser. He supported her, whatever she did or did not do. She calls HIM first when she has an issue, then me. Which sometimes irritates me.......LOL. That's the special bond the two of them have. Why? Because he made it his mission to make her his 4th daughter; he has 3 biological daughters, and mine makes 4.

When we met, my parents were living in Florida. We got married in 2009; in 2011, Dad had to stop driving and we moved them here to Colorado (I am an only child). Chuck helped me find them an Independent Living apartment, get them moved in and unpacked, and set up in their new place. He called them Mom & Dad from the get go, and loved them as his own, since he lost his own parents a decade earlier.

Dad passed away in 2015 and my mother is still alive, at 93, living in a Memory Care Assisted Living. She is difficult as the day is long. There are times when I can't deal with her BS, so Chuck calls her on the phone to chat. She loves him and she's always happy to hear from him. Me she treats like crapola............but he's another story. He's always kind and loving and compassionate. He's moved her 4x; from one apartment and ALF to another, with no complaining, no moaning and carrying on, and no payback expected from me.

Chuck earned his way into my family with love, kindness and the utmost of respect for ALL of us. It wasn't always fun or convenient for him, God knows, and I'm sure there are times he'd like to sit down and cry for what my mother puts us through. But he plugs along, for my sake, because he loves me.

Chuck is the type of man YOU need in YOUR life, my dear woman. I waited a long time for God to put him into my life, but He did. And I snapped him up because I recognized what a true gift he was and still is. The day I met him I KNEW. I went into the bathroom at the restaurant where the party was being held, and I sat on the toilet & prayed. I said, "God I know You sent me this man to marry, and I thank You. Now let HIM recognize it too!"

And the rest is history. Say goodbye to your Mr. Wrong and wait for Mr. Right. He's out there somewhere. You just haven't found him yet. You and your daughter and your parents deserve to find him, because you're worth it.

"My boyfriend and I have been together for more than three years."

"My daughter has reached out to her father about three years ago with my help but he wasn’t interested." (Timing is a coincidence?)

"he has brought up wanting to get married about a year into the relationship, yet he has not proposed."

Is it at all possible, Phoenix, that you are causing hurt and confusion in your daughter's life by wanting the best of both worlds?

There is nothing to indicate that your boyfriend wants to include your daughter in his life. I would keep my daughter far away from this boyfriend. I would stop bringing him up, stop bringing up wanting to marry him. Your own confusion and indecision will continue to have a profoundly negative effect on your young daughter. imo.

If you keep your relationship with your boyfriend and do move out, even if you marry him, leave your daughter out of it. imo. She doesn't need to be treated the way he is treating you now.

Your parents seem to have it pretty much under control as far as providing their own care, imo.

I do not see where you have plans to take care of yourself in all of this.

Just some tough reality you could be taking seriously. It is all on you, your decisions. In fact, others will continue to be free to make their own decisions no matter what you do. Imagine a too young girl running away to get married because of her mother's boyfriend or new husband. Or elderly parents being controlled or neglected because boyfriend moves into their home? This option should be totally off the table, imo.

Would counseling help you?

I guess u don't need to make that list.😊

They say to date someone for a year because the real person will finally show his face. It may have taken a little longer but I think you realize that he is not who he claimed to be in the beginning. Good for you u saw thru it and just needed confirmation. Time to tell him goodbye. You need someone to love u baggage and all. And he is out there.

I had a neighbor who lost her only daughter. She had a nephew she raised but he wasn't around much. Her SIL did everything for her until she passed. A woman I knew, who had finally divorced an abusive husband and said she would never marry again, married the SIL. I asked her why, she said any man who would have continued to care for a MIL like he did would care for a wife that way too. They have been married for a long time.

Your situation is different because you have a 12 y. o. daughter to raise.
That should be your priority. You have said: " She is my life and my first priority.". Good for you!

Do not believe "your boyfriend", he sounds like a controlling narcissist, has anger issues.

If you 'dance away', he may get desperate.

I lived with my DH before we married, but we both wanted that.   I don't want to make judgements on either of you, I just don't see this working for you both right now

Thank you so much to each and every one of you for taking the time to send out your love and support, your insight and advice as well as some of your own personal stories. This is helping me tremendously, I’m overwhelmed (in a good way)
I’ve been harbouring so much of this for so long, it’s hard to talk to family because of the repercussions that would follow. Although I have confided in a couple of close friends who have been very supportive, it really does help to also get some unbiased insight and feedback. And I truly am grateful for all of this support. I wanted to give a little bit more background as I know some of you have asked some questions. There are huge age gaps in my family. My father will be 89 this year and my mother is 13 years younger than him. I am 52, and am the middle child of three siblings, the oldest is 6 years older than me and the youngest is ten years younger. I had my daughter at the ripe age of 39.
My daughter has reached out to her father about three years ago with my help but he wasn’t interested. It was quite painful but we have leaned to accept it and move forward. I’ve told her everything she needed to know in the most positive way possible. She has always been a happy, energetic and social girl. Going through puberty now though, she is very sensitive and moody. She is my life and my first priority. Being a shy introvert myself, I used to say that she is raising me, everywhere we went together, I would have to speak to people I dint know, and I started overcoming my shyness because of her. I really did hope that this man in my life that I really did love and care for could have added to our family. The truth is, and many of you were so right on this with only a tidbit of information, and that is that he doesn’t have any patience for my daughter, he acts as if my raising is done. In the past we argued a lot because he would say that kids don’t need vacations, they don’t need this or that. We only did less than a hand full of outings with her in three years. And I had to beg him. And they weren’t fun because at some point he lost his temper, either because he couldn’t find parking, driving, too many people etc. Since getting back together after a recent break up, he has promised to be more involved in my daughter’s life, along with so many other promises that have yet to happen. Any little thing that he has done for me or my family has been thrown in my face at every chance.
No one is perfect, I understand that, I’m far from it myself. I don’t want perfect, just someone who actually loves and cares.
He has just recently told me that I expect him to do everything while I do nothing. That he has to make all the compromises to be together. He lives in a rented apartment on his own. His children are independent and in fact have never lived with him since his divorce about 15 years ago. He resents that our decisions must revolve around my daughter and my parents. When I tell him that I don’t feel like he and I are a team, he says we can’t be a team because I live with my parents, we can only be a team when we are on our own. When I question the way he treats me, for example, never takes me out or does anything special for my birthday, valentines etc, he says he can’t be that person while I live with my parents and that I am delusional for thinking I am entitled to any of those things. He said he can’t be the man I want him to be because I can’t and won’t be the woman I should be because I won’t move out to be with him. I know I must sound extremely pathetic by now, but the truth is when he first came into my life, he was a completely different person. I fell in love with the person I thought he was, with the idea that it wasn’t too late to have love and companionship, a father figure in my daughters life. But all of you have confirmed what my gut has been telling me, what logic has been telling me. I will not be moving anywhere with him. Thank you all for helping me see that.

I personally, and morally (and don't jump on me for being 'old fashioned') would NEVER have lived with a guy as a 'test drive'. Marriage is a dead serious a comittment as they come. "living together" while one of my daughters did that with her BF for 5 years---I was very happy when they decided to get married. It felt so much more secure and real to me, anyway. (Nobody cares nor cared what I thought).

You have parents and a daughter who all need you. Why can't BF see that? Perhaps he just sees a very caring woman and thinks "yep, that's what I want". I KNOW one of the big reasons my Dh married me is he knew I would be a good caregiver, to our children and to him. It's NOT a bad thing and I have had to step up MANY time to care for him.

I'd say if this guy wanted to move in with the family, you won't have one iota of privacy, but you'll have your dignity.

This is a multi-generational family unit that seems to be working. Why upset the apple cart for some guy who wants YOU to make all the changes while he gets a homemaker and wife to boot. What is HE giving up in this situation? Not much, it seems.

Take your time to decide this. Once you move out for 'the test drive' (that is kind of offensive, when I think about it) you will have upset what seems to be a very well functioning family situation.

Good Luck.

I suppose that you feel torn in four different directions, your daughter, your parents, yours and your boyfriend.

Your daughter is a serious responsibility. She needs you. I’m sure that she loves you and you love her.

You love your parents and they love you. Your boyfriend fell for a woman with responsibilities. These decisions are your decisions to make, not his.

When you can you may want to talk this over with an objective individual that will help guide you through this.

Best wishes to all of you.

I'm going to focus on your parents..... I think that it is time to make a plan for their future that doesn't necessarily include you. Both of them are inevitably going to decline over the next few years and their care needs will increase - can you see yourself providing intimate personal care for either of them, or god forbid both of them at the same time? I'm talking bathing, toileting, incontinence care, medical issues, struggles with mobility, the possibility of cognitive decline and more. All of us have this dread that one day we shall find a loved one has died in their sleep, but from experience I can tell you that that is the "good" outcome, a blessing that comes to far too few. One of my regrets is that I took the easy route and allowed my mother to live "independently" for far too long in the belief that she should be able to die in her own home - I had no inkling of just how long she could live and how incredibly dependent she would become. I believe it is time for your parents to make plans to downsize to a more supportive environment while they still have the ability to participate in the process, this is both for their sake as well as yours. IMO you and daughter need time to learn to live independently from your parents and they from you before you even consider the next step with BF.