My boyfriend won't marry me til his Mother dies! Any advice?

You wasted a year. You should have asked sooner. You should move on.

This is very sad, and very harsh, but I think it is better to face reality and move on than to hold false hope.

You are not issuing ultimatums. You are making decisions about your own life, as you certainly should be.

Move on.

Move on. Watch the movie Moonstruck if you need further convincing.

He's made his decision very clear and I agree with the others: move on.

"Whats in a mans heart comes out of thier mouth.".Proverbs-Read between his mind and heart,,if he wanted to marry YOU he would have talk about it before you gave him a choice ,this or that buddy~,Get out and get moving i know at our age we need Security,,That is what Woman want that ans communication..honesty..Its not Much to ask for ,,But men think the opposite way..Especially if He was married Before,,So You don't need him to feel LOVED and Whole, young lady..~ Work on Your Gifts God gave you(personality,emotional state,,knowing God Loves You More than You can understand..Because through Jesus you are able to be Loved By God through Jesus,,His Love Never Fails.(.Google joycemeyers) Your made Perfect in the Image of God,,(google that and see who You really are~~Sometimes We don't know who we are and why we are here,,ouart plans in life and the pains(trials we go through),,A person or thing(money jewelry fast cars) cant fill that HOLE (empty feeling )in our Heart..Only Jesus can,,Trust me been there done that ,,Hope this helps ,,I f I can help in any way,,let me know.

Could it be a money issue? In other words, as I understand it, whatever money a person had before you married that person is HIS or HERS, legally. Whatever, money that was accrued while you were married, is jointly held. I may be wrong on this.

You might want to read about this on nolo website.
I also meant to say that I am sorry you wasted a year out of your life to find this out. Best not to waste any more time, and to move on. This is about him, not about you.

I offer this half in jest. If you have no sense of humor do not read this.



please offer this to your x-boyfriend for his 89 yr. old mom The Peaceful Pill eHandbook is the best available information currently available on end of life choices. The Peaceful Pill eHandbook employs Exit's unique Reliability-Peacefulness Test to rank the most important/ effective/ peaceful end-of-life strategies.

Better yet become his friend with benefits. She could live to be a hundred

I know that is. It is a suicide pill. Not funny at all.

Pam - I truly understand - we're the same age, you & I - and I've been in your shoes more than once. So please let me advise that you haven't "wasted" a year - you've had a relationship...and relationships are never wasted time,,,,each relationship (good and bad) is a learning experience. People come in and out of our lives for a reason,,,you learn something from each one. You love him - but your priorities are different. I'd bet the "not until mama dies" is not the real reason - sounds like it's the most convenient for him to say. Most men in the pond we're fishing from have experiences that turn them away from the marriage commitment,,,mama has nothing to do with it.

It's hard to be our age and in search of THE happy ending. It seems like we're competing with younger gals with smoother faces and not so many "war wounds" like stretchmarks and crows' feet. But real men in our age category don't all fall at the feet of younger women, but appreciate us for the beauty we radiate...and beautiful includes wrinkles and a little extra padding here and there.

If Prince Charming here doesn't want to commit to marriage and marriage is important to you - step back. Consider the successes you've achieved in the relationship, then look at the mistakes that were made - Give yourself credit for your successful conduct and make note of what mistakes to avoid next time: What red flags you ignored, what mistakes you made yourself, what qualities in a partner you wanted but overlooked because this one was so darned cute.... Then tell Prince Charming that you have different goals and you love him,,,but you're gonna have to step back into just being friends and seeing other people. You have every right to pursue the type of relationship you want.

This ain't him at the moment, Pam. Who knows? Could be him at a later date (when he is ready)...but for now,,,,take a break to find a peaceful & balanced finish in yourself regarding this particular relationship - and when you're ready, Mr. Right may just appear - the universe has a way of doing that.

Good luck and peace be with you.

pfontes, excellent advice. I agree.

Thanks for all the responses. I kinda feel you are all right. I feel foolish and stupid. Even if I had asked him earlier on I probably would have thought I could change the way he felt. I'm a great girlfriend and I feel I am a pretty good catch. Shame on him. Thanks everyone.

Pfontes, well written and reflective of balance and a lot of insight.

Pam, there are at least 2 other threads, perhaps 3, of women in similar conditions. Some have been unable to see the reality of waiting for someone who uses his parent as an excuse.

Take PFontes' advice - recognize the positives as well as the negatives and make your decision, but don't ever expect someone to change if he's as adamant as your friend is. This is NOT a priority for him.

He may even had an Oedipal complex - one never knows.

Dave, I know you prefaced your handy pillbook comments that someone needed a sense of humor to read the rest of your message, but I honestly do feel it was in poor taste to joke about a pill exit strategy.

Hi, The clock is ticking.......
Cannot see the logic in waiting??
If he does not get over that issue,call me.
My mother has passed and I am ready

MichThumb, aren't you caring for your wife with Alz/dementia? That's what you wrote in your first thread.

I guess it is just weird to think of my life without him in it. For so long I just fantasized how our life together would be. I am kinda shocked. My kids are all grown now and I have lots of free time to give someone. This ones gonna hurt for awhile. I hate love and yet love it so much at the same time. I have been so good to him. But it is true the clock is ticking and their are still a lot of fish in the sea. I guess I should be thinking I'm lucky that I found out how he felt and didn't wait another year. Just sux.

It could be that when you choose to move on that he will change his mind. If he doesn't, it says a lot. If he does change it, you can decide if it will work or not. I'm a bit of a romantic. I like the Percy Sledge song "When a Man Loves a Woman." It's how I think it should be for a relationship to work (within reason, of course).

My thought if a man told me he would marry me after his mother died would be if there would be a slot opening for the position of "Mother." It really doesn't make much sense. He may just be saying that he won't have enough time for you until then. This is understandable, but not something you could invest your time safely in. What if his mother lived another 10-15 years. That would be a long wait.

If he was never married, it is possible that he is emotionally dependent upon his mom, and she may not be nice to you if she thinks you took something away from her. I have known at least two men who had longtime girlfriends that they did marry after mama died, in that same age range. (I knew another one who dumped the one that thought she had the inside track and married someone else.)
And there is a possibility that there is another woman, but if he did take you to his home and introduce to mama, that's much less likely (the ones you want to watch for is the ones that don't ever have you visit him at home and don't give you their home number.) The likelihood is that the "other woman" is Mama.

Hi Pam,
I've been there, too. Only with mine, it was not until after his grown daughter's operation. Well, that came and went, then it was not until his house remodel was finished.
It will always be something. Looking back, I'm better off without him!
As my mother wisely said about him before her Alzheimers, "If this is a problem, everything will be a problem."

You tell him, "look - that plan makes me into some kind of a vulture, and I can't live with it. I cannot imagine waiting for someone else to die so I can live; I cannot imagine that your time of grief could be my time of joy. Why do you really think your mom could not accept me as your spouse now? This is not OK. I like your mom, she likes me, and I want her to have a long happy life - I cannot stand to be of two minds, wanting the best for her and longing for the day she passes on so we can marry. It makes no sense and I can't be part of it."

Have you ever heard of the book "When He's Married to Mom"? He sounds like a mom enmeshed man. Move on.

yogagirl, you did the wise thing, wish I would have done that years ago. My sig other kept making excuses, too. Now when he mention marriage, I turn a deaf ear. The excitement of planning a wedding was long gone over a decade ago.

freqflyer, it wasn't easy. He even got me to come back to him by putting a big ring on my finger, going to therapy AND paying for a prenup! Still, he could never set a wedding date. I agonized for another few months, then ended it for good.
A lady I don't know private messaged me on Facebook to commiserate. He pulled the same thing on her. I didn't respond.

I totally agree with tacy022!
What is so important about marriage anyway! Most full time relationships end in failure. Maybe he knows the difficulties of dealing with his mother and doesn´t want to impose her on you Pam! Maybe he feels guilt about abandoning his mother. Do you think that he may be seing other women? If you think he´s only yours and you love the man and he loves you, and you see enough of each other, then what is the urgency of marriage!?
I had a boyfriend who talked about marriage and about me reading the spiritual books that he wanted me to read, and it made me sick; things weren´t good in other aspects anyway...I told him to leave...
In my past relationships I never felt the marriage pull, and don´t understand why women feel that need. I had a boyfriend who lived with mommy, but he didn´t see enough of me, and had way too many friends (many women too), I loved him dearly, but one day after some jealousy attitudes I had, he passed by, made me extremely angry and I told him to leave...he was dying o hear those words & left! I did some more idiotic things (emails to his female firends) and he never talked to me again...I still love him and would accept him without a BLINK! Hugs

TheHatedOne, now I know God was really looking out for me. Marriage would have been a big mistake! I got swept up in all his romantic promises, a bunch of hot air. A boyfriend would be nice, but I will never marry. Hugs to you!

We've had similar situations posted here before, but in every case I can remember the man was CARING for his disabled and/or impaired mother. That really is a different situation.

In this case Mom is healthy and likes the poster. The "until Mom dies" thing is an irrational excuse.

Perhaps his real attitude is "I don't particularly want to get married, but I'd to continue my relationship with you." If that is the case, why doesn't he just express the truth? Then PamVater could decide how important marriage is to her and whether she is willing to accept status quo. But giving her a stupid timeframe? Nah. That is not genuine and it sucks.

A man who decides he will not marry until his healthy mother dies has some definite problems. Maybe if you were both in your twenties or thirties you could take the time to work this out (probably with a lot of outside therapy.) But in the present circumstances?

Move on.

Jean is close to what I think. His mom has no health issues and may live many more years and I hope she does. She is a wonderful lady. I told him if we were in our 20's maybe we could drag our feet for some time. He is 60 and I am 55. I have raised seven kids and now they are all out on their own with their own families. I wanna have some fun now. We can't be out long because he worries, we can't go away because he doesn't want to leave her, we can't travel because she can't be left alone. I say "CAN'T....I think not when ever there is a will there is a way if you want it. He is a pretty well off guy he could pay a good person to sit with her or at least check up on her so we can have a little freedom. I am not so selfish that I would think this would have to happen that often but it would be nice one in a while. I want to build a life with him and that takes time. Now he wants me to move in......I'm not ready for that one. I wanted to get engaged and over the next few years make some future plans. I was not rushing to the alter. I just wanted a commitment that it was comin down the line in the next few years. I mean I'd have to clear my whole house out and sell it first. Who knows how long it could take to sell. I think I am gonna have to take a step back if I decide to stay on with him. He said he wants marriage to be a natural progression but I thought the last yr. and a half WAS a natural progression lol Before I throw in the towel I am going to tell him tonight I wanna take a step back. I'm gonna explain that I was shocked when he reacted to marriage the way he did when we talked. I'm gonna explain that I wasn't trying to get him to ask me to move in. I don't want to live in his bachelor pad. I wanted a ring that meant commitment. But now that I have seen his reaction and know how he is thinking I don't feel the same anymore. I have been hurt and given a big wake up call. So now I think maybe we should have more time apart. I should spend some of my free time with my friends and family and not let him eat up all my free time. I want him to take me off of his life insurance policies cuz that's something you do when you are commited to someone. I'm gonna stop saying how much I love him all the time and let him say it first. I'm gonna move on in my own life as if we will never be married. Either he will decide this is stupid or I will start having fun away from him and it will fizzle out. I hope it will make him think a little but I just don't think he ever acts the way I predict. He is one odd man. I used to text him every morning and say "GM baby, I hope you have a great day. I love you to the moon and back! xoxoxo" and would always get "U too" back. How sad. So the last two days I didn't text him. You know what I'm not feelin it. If he wants me to ever feel it again he will have to do some work for it. I'm startin to think there maybe other fish in the sea that might say more than "U too". We have gone out every friday and saturday since we met. I'm gonna tell him I want friday night to be the night we can do stuff with our friends. I love to dance and he won't dance so maybe I will go out with my friends and dance, see movies he wouldn't see stuff like that. I'm not feeling the love like I did before this all happened and I think he's really gonna have to work to get it back even to where it was. I'm hurt. Either he will not like this new uncommiited relationship and do what he needs to do to make me happy(put a ring on it) and work to compromise together in a healthy way or he will like it and I will know he never was for me.

What he is saying and doing says a lot about him. In my eyes, it says that he really doesn't value you, or your relationship and he is using his mother as an excuse. There are better men out there that will value you and marry you. Get out of that relationship because it sounds like more of the friends with benefits deal. See if you can keep the friendship with his mother.

I am glad I found this article because I am in the same situation of going out with my boyfriend for nearly 16 months and feeling that I am waiting for his mother to pass, which does not sit well with me. I like his mother and do not want her to die but its a waiting game and I am increasingly feeling I am wasting my time. Do I move on or wait. He is a nice, kind guy. So mixed up and want to be happy.

Sapphireblue, since your situation is so similar, have you found the answers to the original post helpful?

I'll say what I said to the original post: Move on. Waiting for someone to die is no way to live.