My brothers hardly visit dad. One lives close by and the to here quite a distance, we share the visits in the dementia home with mum.
I can't help but feel upset and confused to there lack of visiting dad .
I know it is their choice and I stay out of it . I know if I was there I would want some love and extra care from my children . After all he looked after me for a long time.
It is OK to give them reminders that Dad would enjoy seeing them (until/unless they tell you to stop.) It is OK to have a non-accusatory discussion with them about their reasons. But if they don't want to talk about it, it is not your business. And if they do talk about it and you think their reasons are bogus, it is not your business.
Your Dad (and Mom) need your attention now. Any energy you waste on matters you cannot control is energy you don't have to give to your parents.
You can control your own actions. You are doing things that satisfy you. If you have minor children you can/should control some of their actions. But that is it. You can't control your brothers, and their decisions are not your business.
as far as visitors are concerned ; she has a brother, mother, aunts uncles etc who live in the same town. none of them visit. it took me a long time to get to realize that I am wasting my time wondering why they do not visit their kin.
it's a big pill to swallow.
thanks for your time
Then I looked at their day to day situations. If one works, what kind of hours? Is it a good paying 9-5 job, or a swing shift factory worker? Do they get one or two days off per week to handle all their personal affairs, or are they stuck with a random, shifting schedule (i.e.; like a nurse or retail worker)? For the sib that doesn’t work, why not? Is there illness or disability (whether or not it is obvious)? How does that affect their financial outlook? Could that be an issue? Do they have children or grandchildren they care for on a regular basis? What are their daily responsibilities?
I am not suggesting that we should make excuses for family members, but understanding the big picture makes it a lot easier for me to accept the choices my family makes. In our case, one sib recently lost a husband to cancer; another’s spouse had a double mastectomy 3 weeks ago and is adopting their grandchild. One supports an adult child with autism; two others have serious heart disease and depression. The final sib is caring for her father in law, who has dementia. So, when I have compassion for them, I can accept their limitations in visiting their sister.
It is HARD to feel as though we are it, and if we each stumble without the support of our families our loved ones will suffer for it. I have searched out support on my own, and participate in training programs in caring for my SIL, to increase both my sense of competency as well as building the emotional support system I need to cope. I wish you the best of luck and trust that you will find the right path to cope with your family with compassion and love.
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