My dad is 57 years old and is coming to the end of his last stage of his life. He has been receiving “aggressive” treatment for the last 2 years, but especially the last 6-12 months. His hospitalizations are getting much more frequent and we are about to make the transition to comfort/hospice care. He’s weak, disappearing mentally, his body is so full of fluid he looks pregnant and huge. But without that excess buildup in his body he would be skin and bones.
He was very full of hope the last few months but upon his most recent hospitalization last week that has changed. He’s ready to be comfortable. I want him to be comfortable. It’s just myself and my two younger siblings (we are all between 18-22) so I want him to feel in control of his life and his decisions. So it’s almost a relief to know that he wants to make these calls for himself and….I know there is no cure for this disease.
For the people who have experienced this awful disease….What was it like once you decided to focus on comfort? I love my Dad more than anything in the world. I do not want him to be miserable. But, rather selfishly, I am so scared to watch him die. Is it long and agonizing? I know that there can be an increase in pain and comfort because it’s basically all of his organs just slowly stopping to work. I know Hospice can give pain meds if he opted for that but I guess I’m asking more spiritually/emotionally how to deal with death in this way.
He passed away 2 hours later before I got back to the nursing home. I regret that I was not there with him, but I am thankful it was not a long, drawn out, several months of suffering ordeal. He was kept comfortable and he knew he was loved.
At your age it will be harder, but make sure you take advantage of the grief support hospice will provide. I have found out that getting out photos, talking about the memories, laughing about the funny moments, and just celebrating their life, helps tremendously. God bless you all.
Getting Dad on hospice was the best thing we did. There were no more trips to the doctor, the hospice nurses came to him, and they were there with us when he died. I had stayed up all night trying to sleep on the wood floor next to him, and the next afternoon I called hospice and said I couldn't do it anymore. A nurse was there within two hours, and I wasn't left alone until he died the next day. He was never in pain, and because of that, I was more comfortable with his passing even though it had all happened so fast (six weeks).
Please use hospice and take advantage of everything they have to offer. You can call anytime day or night, and they're there for you and your dad. It's invaluable.
My dad passed last year.
Spend as much time as you can with him. He soon will be sleeping a lot more and refusing food and water. As the body breaks down there is no need for nourishment. Hospice will be able to explain the dying process with you and thry will manage his pain.
Be sure to ask and understand all of your dad's wishes. He may want to see relatives or friends. Even though he is sleeping he will know you and siblings are nearby.
This is his journey. You just need to support him.
God bless you.
I know you said your Dad is not mentally all there but just be prepared for the changes that come with dieing. His body will physically change.
Hospice is a great thing for those who are suffering. They will keep your Dad pain free and comfortable. The nurses where my Dad was were wonderful. They bathed him, shaved him, combed his hair and moved him often so he was comfortable. They would talk to him like he was any other patient. They gave me as much time as I needed when he passed. They offered me water and food. They were wonderful.
Like your dad my dad made the decision to stop treatment and go into hospice comfort care. We did it at home, with hospice coming into the home. Hospice can also be done in a hospice facility.
Where ever your dad gets hospice care they will keep him comfortable. In our case hospice was truly a Godsend and made a difference for all of us, not just my dad. In other words, it's okay and appropriate for you and your sister to lean on the hospice nurses. They are used to this, and in my experience, very compassionate. They can help you talk about end of life issues and worries. Including emotional and spiritual things.
My dad's hospice lasted about 3 months. When he showed signs of distress they gave him appropriate medication to calm him and help his pain.
Emotionally it is hard, I won't lie, this will not be easy for you and your sister. Losing a parent is hard, and I hope you will seek counseling if your grief feels overwhelming. That's what I had to do, and it helped. Time helped.
I wish all of you peace and strength as you face this difficult time.
It was a feeling of acceptance, a sad acceptance mixed with a feeling of giving permission. It's a change from fighting an unbeatable illness to helping the person to leave peacefully. With help and guidance from hospice we just followed instruction, and kept vigil. My brother played very quietly gentle music from my parents youthful days in pre-WWII Paris on his iphone and placed it close to their ear. I quietly whispered gratitude and spoke about the fun and great things they did for us. My sister told them she was there, loved them and held their hand and moistened their mouths with wet swabs.
I held vigil well after midnight. Both my parents died an hour after I left their side. I was told to leave by a nurse who said that sometimes folks won't die until the loved one leaves.
When they died I was called at home. I called the funeral home to come pick up the bodies and went back to sit by their side while I waited for the funeral home's 24/7 pickup person to come. I made those arrangements before hand. I didn't want my mom or dad put into the hospitals basement. When they came I was told to leave not to watch the sad lifting and shifting of their lifeless bodies onto the special funeral home gurney.
- Is it long and agonizing?
My parents were at home for about 10 days of hospice care, and then transferred to a hospital and about 4 years later, my other parent to a nursing home, toward their last about 30 hours. They don't feel much pain because hospice is on top of it with great palliative care to the very end.
- Spiritually/emotionally how to deal with death -
I was not raised very religiously. I'm aware of and respect the rituals of my faith though. Annually I do what is required of me to do in remembrance of the departed on the anniversary of their death. It's helpful to me because by doing this I feel that we are still connected. Ritual fills the void.
Create an annual something, only if you'd like, maybe an annual trip to a lake, beach or park where you all had fun as kids with your dad. It'll be helpful to you and shows him in spirit that you are happy that he was in your life.
Sad, happy, lonely, hurt, it's all normal. Just go through the feelings. Be patient and gentle with yourself. You will grow strong and be a great support to someone who will need you someday and you will draw on all your experiences including this one.
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