My Dad had a stroke about 14years ago. A year after the stroke my Mother passed away. Everything went down hill from there. Im at a loss as what to do. I dont live in the same state as him and have 3 children to care for as well. My brother on the other hand lives next door to him. Dads house is filthy, he doesnt bathe, and doeant eat very much either. I have tried to get him to move in with me so I can take care of him but he says NO. My brother says to just let him live the way he wants and if he doesnt want to bathe dont make him. The only thing that I can see that his wife does for Dad is to write his checks for his bills. My brother has told me that I should come there every weekend and prepare food for Dad for the week and freeze it. My husband and I do not have any family that can help with our children and I dont like them going to Dads house because of the filth. My brother says that he will never let Daddy come and live with me. I cannot for the life of understand him you would think he would be packing him up because he sure isnt taking care of him. Im at wits end. It hurts my heart so much to see him living the way he is and I dont know where to turn now. I cant get Dad to sign over POA to me. I am considering contacting protective services but I really hate to do that. Anyone else have any advice?
If you really are afraid this has become a health issue, then asking APS to check on the situation may be called for. If it is just a matter of Dad living like a slob, maybe that is just a lifestyle choice and doesn't need "fixing."
An obvious solution is to hire someone to do a thorough cleaning and then a service to do routine cleaning every couple of weeks, so it doesn't get so bad. But that depends on Dad having the money and being willing to spend it on something like this, and probably on your brother being willing to supervise.
BTW, I certainly don't think that coercing a man who doesn't want to move and will resist you will all his power on issues like bathing and the cleanliness of his room to come and live with you would be a good solution. Sorry.
I'm not an advocate of bringing in APS, but this might be a situation in which they should become involved. Your father's health is most likely affected severely from the conditions; there's no point in him having to suffer any more than he already has.
If funding is an issue, maybe it's time to consider applying for Medicaid.
Call APS.
Sounds a bit like he has a hoarding problem which could be a sign of a deeper mental health issue which would need to be addressed either way. He may have developed dementia after his stroke as well.
Self-neglect and resistance to care is always a complicated and difficult issue for families. We must respect the autonomy of our elders. They have the right like everyone else to make poor decisions!! It's only when competence is a concern that we must step in and take steps to intervene.
Either way Protective Services can partner with you to look into getting your dad some help. This is a scenario they are very familiar with and kind of why they exist in the first place.
I would definitely take action. If possible, write everything down. This will help you keep things organized in your mind as well. Take note of his eating, bathing, his living conditions & taking his meds. I greatly relate with sibling trust issues. Set that aside & focus on doing what is best for your dad. Call APS, or reach out to a social worker & talk everything thru with them, & see if you can get someone in there to do a deep clean for the house & how to deal with each point of concern. Your dad needs the intervention. It has to be hard on you- being far away with children, but don't be discouraged. Do all you can from where you are. Take courage, friend! I'm praying for you!!
We called county APS when one of our LOs was out at rehab after having surgery for a runaway abdominal cyst. APS told us -- get this -- that because the other LO not in rehab had complete faculties, it was up to that one to get out of the situation without their help. There is no law against making bad decisions, we were told.
So after a difficult battle, POA was turned over to us.
We were later told that any neighboring county would have acted swiftly. Not ours.
The key to this turning out as a success, besides prayer, was continuing to be there for our LOs. When the lucid one could see what was happening, it was not too much longer before the bums were out and we were in charge, cleaning up the mess.
It turned out that free lodging and a free income were major driving factors for the abuse. Instead, we restored dignity to our LOs, cleaned up their living area, got them in clean clothes, paid off their debts with their money, etc.
In looking into the situation further since then, it also appears that the sibling's & significant other's own mental health and physical health issues coupled with one of our LOs Alzheimer's likely made the whole situation overwhelming for them. Instead of asking for help, they forbid us from visiting for three years while they sucked parents dry.
However...we were never all that successful, even with the help of an aid who came by twice a week, to get them to take a shower or bath, despite having the bathroom all set up to facilitate.
So this situation is solvable from our experience. But it is not going to be fun, and there will likely be hard feelings between you and your brother and his family as you start to push the envelope. For us, our situation created a safety concern.
Meanwhile, for the sake of your own peace of mind, try not to feel responsible for your Dad's welfare. No authority = no responsibility; though of course that doesn't stop you worrying. I wish you every success with stirring up some action on the ground and seeing life improve for your father.
My father-in-law is 95 and his house is a mess, made worse by a rat infestation and a large pet dog that he can't clean up after. He allows my sister-in-law to help in minimal ways, like taking him to the doctor or bringing food. There is no money for nursing care.
I'd suggest getting APS involved. In NY, they have professional cleaners who will come in and make the house habitable. The other option is to see if you can get him into assisted living or a skilled nursing facility. APS should be able to guide you through the process.