My dad is demanding & scared, & I am the "filling" in this negative sandwich. Help! Dad is 97, has wet macular degeneration in one eye, is deaf in one ear and is negative most of the time because he is no longer independent. My husband is a negative person basically, and while we thought we could provide a home for my parents (mom died once they were settled here), he has grown very tired of trying with my dad. Also, I think my husband is jealous of the time I spend "catering" to dad, as he calls it, and he is now uncomfortable with anyone living in the house with us. My husband has depression and has been showing symptoms of paranoia for 5 years. He is also 67. His mom died of complications of Alzheimer's and his dad had prostate cancer for 17 years until it finally spread to his brain an he died as well. They lived across the country, however, and we seldom saw them. My husband's lack of compassion and selfishness, which he admits to, is a great sadness to me. I lose my temper and then feel like I'm not a good wife. The house is small and it bothers my dad to hear us argue and I'm sure he feels my husband's dislike and coldness. Dad is scared that he will have to go to a nursing home and I think he feels it will completely rob him of any dignity and independence. We don't live in the same state where my parents did and where their few remaining friends and acquaintances are. Dad has his own room and sitting room combination but prefers to spend his time with us. He is a great talker and pays no attention to what we might be doing, just interjecting and interrupting whenever. My husband has decided that dad is annoying on purpose, but dad has memory loss and can't remember so much - and knows it, which is scary for him, I'm sure. I feel like I could deal with my father if my husband could show just a little more understanding and compassion and overlook his annoying personality. Dad constantly drums his fingernails, or rubs his shoes together so they squeak, or turns his rotating chair so it squeaks. He says he just a nervous type, but it drives you crazy. He is also not a person who has every said please or thank you, just points at what he wants and expects to be waited on. I grew up with this and have learned over 67 years to just let it go, but my husband just can't. He has some physical issues of his own, but they both do not like doctors and all suggestions fall on "deaf ears". The only one I want "fix" here is me. How do I survive the atmosphere and provide a home for my father and not lose my husband? It's too late to tell me I shouldn't have taken my parents in and now I see no way out that won't break my father's heart and take away his final bit of independence and dignity. He and my mom were married for 71 years and never was there such a lonely soul as he is since she died. My husband didn't like visiting his parents at the end of their illnesses, and while my dad doesn't have that kind of illness, my husband doesn't like, and won't, spend any time alone with him. Dad doesn't need to be watched every minute, and I take long walks, go to the health center, visit neighbors, work in the garden and yard, sew and read. My husband and I do many projects together around the house and have a normal sex life for folks our age. Both my dad and my husband need special diets - and they don't eat the same things usually. Dad eats everything and he really expects to eat and 8 am, 12 noon and 5 pm. I spend a lot of time grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, washing dishes. My husband is a picky eater, and skips meals sometimes and dad is constantly commenting on how that isn't good, asking him why don't you eat this or that, or offering him food that he can't remember? my husband doesn't eat. I remind my dad constantly not to do the things that drive my husband crazy. I am looking for a way to make this work, not a way out of it. And that is my main problem - I think I should be able to fix this. Harder and harder now that my husband is blaming his recent diabetes diagnosis on the stress caused by our living situation rather than his life long diet of carbs and sugar. I do have a good sense of humor and we used to laugh a lot. Now I have a harder and harder time dealing with the stress. Is there any hope for us??
If your husband gets miserable enough will he leave? If it gets to that point then you'll have to choose: husband or father. Until then let them be miserable while you continue with your hobbies and interests. Don't try to make things easier for either of them, that keeps you square in the middle. Your husband is a grown up. If your dad is bugging him then your husband can get up and walk away or go on an errand.
But when your dad points at something he wants, as in "get that for me", I'd draw a big old line right there and refuse until he can speak like a civilized person. This is may be something you can try to change.
I know you're not asking for this kind of feedback, but in my opinion, your desire to help your dad is admirable, but not at the expense of your marriage. Your husband is your first priority, not your dad. I think there are other options that would possibly be even better (and more empowering) for your dad - where he can live a fuller life that's not so dependent on you for everything. He can't feel good, knowing he's the source of much unhappiness in your household. Good luck whatever you choose. It sounds like you've got your hands full with both of the men in your life.
As to your dad, I believe all elders are scared as they begin to face loss of independence, their mortality and the physical changes that come with aging. However, has YOUR DAD ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist? My mom refused all sorts of reasonable suggestions based on uninformed fear and anxiety. Getting these issues treated can relieve YOUR stress!
Would it be possible to contact social services for whatever assistance your Dad might qualify for in home or for respite care so you and hubby can get away for a few days or at the least a few hours a day during the week?
The situation just sounds emotionally unhealthy for all of you. My first responsibility is to my husband and always will be.
In reality, your Dad would have more independents by living in assistant living... he'd be around people of his own age group with a lot of new ears to listen to him :) And when it comes to meals, since he will eat everything, eating in the facility dining room would be easy for him. There would be activities and day trips he can attend. Some of these assistant living places are so nice you might want to move there yourself just to get away from those two guys :P
Take care of yourself.
Ain't gonna happen...you are seeking the impossible....Why impossible?
Because the operative word you use is "I" am seeking.....Your husband is not seeking the same thing....Result...Stalemate. Permanently.
Key is to cope with, not to make the problem go away...You CAN improve on the situation......Idea: Hubby goes out to the car and gets it warmed up....You get ready to go out to eat with hubby....Stop at front door and tell dad that his dinner is on the table and you will be back by about 8 or whatever....Close door and leave even if he is asking or saying something in return. Heartless?
Hardly....When you get back and he rants about it, just smile and say that you had plans with friends (each other) and say no more...if he persists just say you are not willing to discuss it.....
From what you say, I gather that such treatment will not change his endless chattering.....it may now include a measure (likely a large measure) of him railing and ranting....Repeat this going out routine at least every other day.
We can't change others......We can, with difficulty, change ourselves..
Your husband, yourself and your marriage come first as I see it. You ARE honoring dad already.
Your call....Tough words I know, but what price sanity?
Best,
Bob
For your stress I'd strongly recommend Mindfullness Training (YouTube have huge selection of clips... 10 mins first thing/at lunch/before bed... brilliant at calming the noise. And really makes you understand what you are feeling. Absolutely got me through my mum's illness and eventual death (Sept)
Now just a couple of deep breaths can get me into a lovely calm relaxed state.
If only you could get your husband to do the same.
I agree he needs to see doctor. But the situation must indeed be super stressful for him. Especially as your house IS so small.
Is there a local daycentre you could take Dad to? If he is super chatty he make like it (and that audience have not heard all his stories before!)
You do need to start standing up for yourself a bit though, as you are absolutely an enabler in your mens' behaviour.
My dad sounds similar to yours. Like you I had learned to just let his personality wash over me because I used to clash with him all the time.
We now have a happy medium. I listen to him 99% nice and patient, but the elements of his personality that overstepped the mark I pull him up on (nicely)
His tendency to whinge and bitch about my siblings behind their backs was in particularly destructive. I have told him I will no longer listen when he starts bitching... have told him he should stip focussing on what he does not like in us, and focus on what is good. (I realised we had soaked up this trait and were all doing it! Not loving at all. Now trying to live by 'if you can't say something nice, say nothing'. We'd all be happier and more popular if we did.
So select the 'deal breaker' top 3 traits, and refuse to put up with/enable them. Goes for your dad and your husband.
I can't help but think your dad, at 97, could die any minute. So your time spent with him is precious.
But ensure you make seperate time for your marriage.
Day centres for dad? Respite stays for him so you can get away, or just have the house to yourselves for maybe 3-5 days?
Carers or friends/relatives coming to look after him so you and hubby can get away?
But make a conditin of some of this that your husband seek help for his depression, and does some meditation himself/with you, to bring his spirit back into balance.
Big virtual hug, you sound like someone I would be great friends with. What a lovely person you are!
I'd like to mention that your husband may feel some anger or jealousy because his parents were across the country and he saw very little of them throughout their last years yet you parents have lived with you. Right or wrong, this needs to be considered. It's not as if he didn't give anything at all. He now has health issues, including depression and paranoia. He could even be having early signs of dementia and he may be aware of that and frightened.
You can only handle so much. As was mentioned by others, there are some excellent assisted living facilities where your dad would have company and may actually feel less dependent than he does under this current situation.
You can only handle so much. Your husband has illnesses he can't help and you may collapse yourself, mentally and/or physically if you don't make changes. To me it's either accept how things are and step back to see what happens when you decide to take some time off or make changes that will enable you all to have a less stressful life.
None of this is easy and no one but you can make these decisions for you. We're here to listen, however. Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol
Your husband seems to come from a different family structure and has not been used to helping his own elderly parents. He likes being around happy, healthy people and I think he is more scared of your dad as a symbol of what is ahead for him because after all he is 67 not 47. The old if I am not seeing the state of elderly people I will not age myself ---good luck with that --not the real world.
Your husband should help with your father because he loves you and wishes to help you out.
However, you can always get a home health aide in to lessen the load on you if he refuses to help. This would give the 2 of you more time together and since the husband resents and wants all of your attention, you can give him more.
I think over time you will find a balance but I don't think the husband's demands are realistic, so you will have to adopt an attitude where his dislike rolls off your back.
I would be worried that in 20 years if I need his help for a medical problem, he may not be capable of stepping up to the plate.
Good luck, you deserve better treatment. Sorry to hear of your mother's recent passing also.
I've had two psychiatrists tell me that the nursing home is the best place for people with dementia/Alzheimers especially if it gets to the point where it's either you or them.
It looks like this is an either you or them situation.
You believe that the best place for him is with you. However, it looks like this is affecting your husband. He's stressed. People crack. At some point it will be like plugging a 220 electrical system into a 110 circuit. It WILL explode.
That being said...are YOU sure this isn't your husband wanting out of the marriage, perhaps using your father as an excuse?
Wow, so many things to consider.
You're going to have to sort them out. You will have to sit down with your husband and have a really good heart to heart talk, without your dad, whose life is definitely compromised.
Are you going to allow a person whose life is basically 'gone' to ruin your marriage?
Do you even have a marriage? Have the 'good years' of your marriage been compromised by two elders living with you, both of whom required your attention?
I have another question: What if you get sick? How will your husband react to that?
You have to decide which one you're going to attend to, either your husband or your dad.
Is your husband being treated for his 'paranoia'? Is it real or are you assuming he's paranoid?
You're living on top of a potential pack of dynamite that is just waiting to explode.
I'm truly sorry that you have such a situation going on with your father and husband.
First of all......you've stated that your living quarters are small. Now even if you feel that your husband isn't being as welcoming of your father and all of that.......this is after all your husband's space too. If he never experienced this w/his own parents, you cannot realistically expect him to be o.k. w/much of the attention going towards the care of your father. Often times well meaning children take their parents into their own homes to later discover that the day to day committment and tolerance by all concerned, hardly matches, "good intentions."
I'm beginning to wonder about this view at times by caregivers, who cling to the belief that by keeping a parent in their home, or living with them.......maintains their independence. Think about it, usually these elders still need people coming in to do many things for them. It appears that this is where you find yourself at the is time.
Maybe caregivers need to give this more thought. Ask yourself, is dad REALLY being independent, or am I (his daughter & CG) unwilling to see that my father requires way more attention than I am able to give to him.
Your husband is having his own health issues. When anyone is not feeling their best, it's understandable, that he would end up feeling some competition towards the attentions you need to spend on your father. I'm married. Hence,
I strongly feel that your first responsibilities should go towards your husband.
Is there any way you could find some kind of assisted living arrangement for your father? I recently visited a home........and I was impressed by the social interaction between seniors. This could be a healthier choice for your father, and definitely for your marriage.
I do hope that you find some solutions to this, because it really sounds as if it is causing too much stress on you and your husband.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Everyone in the house is effected by the stress of care giving. I hired help so that I could have a regular date night with my husband. My Mom would pout, not eat her dinner and sometimes give the caregiver problems. You wouldn't stay home to cater to a child that acted that way so why do so with a dementia patient.
My husband had a right to feel jealous when my mother took the best part of my energy all day long and there was nothing left for him. She would constantly interrupt any opportunity we took just to talk together. She would stand in front of the TV during the sports games and try to talk. We both loved her and each other but it was a very stressful time. I went to counseling to deal with the overwhelming feelings of everyone wanting a piece of me. I had to learn to set boundaries for my own survival.
Communication is very important.during these times. A support group or counseling for yourself could give you more ideas on handling your situation.
It isn't fair that your Dad gets everything he wants and is allowed to get by with that behavior. He needs some boundaries even in his condition. This may be at the crux of your husband's complaint. You may find him more helpful and understanding if he didn't feel that he had to give up everything in his life for your Dad. This is his home too. Try to imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
It sounds to me like you're expected to do everything, all the time, for two demanding unappreciative males, and you're not getting paid, no vacations, and no end in sight. Nobody can do this. If they won't agree to "hire" you on YOUR terms, walk away. Go on strike and see who they're gonna find to replace you. Pretty soon their behavior might improve.