My elderly parents have been with us for 3 months. They need to go home to FL but now that the virus is bad there should they stay with us? I thought by them going to their own place and looking at the water would be less depressing then looking at brick buildings in Virginia. They have a supermarket right across the street. I know that they would be happier and more secure being with us but I need a break myself being that they’ve been here 3 months and I need to clear my head because and I am in remission from breast cancer only 8 months and I still haven’t mentally and physically recovered. They don’t bother me here but I just need peace and quiet without seeing anyone or listening to the news 24/7 or having to eat together etc. or just even helping my Dad with my Mom. I don’t rest. My husband said that if something happens to them in FL you are going to feel guilty. Am I being selfish and should I offer my house to them for another 3 months?
With all that is going on in the last week since she posted, things are quite different. Florida is getting stricked about who comes into their state. NJ, NY and Conn being their biggest targets. I looked at the VA map and their numbers were actually hire the day that OP posted than today. And, they have been testing. In my area of NJ, DE is right across the bridge and rumor has it DE has told us not to come over there. And our numbers are low, where I live.
All kinds of decisions need to be made. Are they going to be good or bad. They are saying 3 more months we are going to need to "shelter in place".
If you can live with the guilt that most loving children would feel if their parents got the virus after they'd had enough of them for awhile (or even an acquaintance) go for it! You say that you won't feel guilty because you've done enough. But, you also say that you love them. So if they get sick at home and they might not have if they'd stayed with you, how could you not?
You know I've been at my parent's house in Florida for over 3 months. I am sick of being here. I get it, my husband and I have no privacy. Worse I have to live by their rules. I have to listen to my mom telling me what I am doing wrong, more often than I'd like. I'm sick to death of helping to clean up my dad. He has dementia, a history of bladder cancer, heart problems, can't go to the bathroom by himself and he's been so sick that he couldn't even stand so I had to hold him up while my mom wiped him. Hand her stuff to catheterize him. Even harder she had to have shoulder replacement surgery after she broke her shoulder badly, I had to learn to do that myself while she was in the hospital. Yeah I'd love to go home. I'm sure that my mom would love to have her house back. My brother was here for weeks before us until after the new year.
But, my dad isn't well enough, and he isn't healed enough for my mom to care for alone right now. Even more importantly traveling home would require more exposure to people and places. More risk of getting the virus. With all the shelter in place rules and rules about crossing state lines and quarantine, I am not even sure that traveling home is possible. But no way that I would put my family or my parents, if the situation was reversed and they were with me, through the added risk just because I was feeling too crowded.
With my dad in poor health I am trying to stay as far away from him as much as I can. While still helping with things like getting him dressed and changing him. I use copious amounts of hand sanitizer on top of washing my hands numerous times. I have a 12 year old too. So he has to be cooped up and stay away from the grandparents that he loves while living in the same house. It's hard. I feel for you, really I do. But when you posted this you already knew the right answer. They need to stay. So go have your good cry, because no it's not fair. Yes it sucks. Yes you deserve to have your life back. Then find a way to carve out a space for yourself. Remind yourself that someday you are going to miss this. Likely one day much too soon. It is going to be OK. Just take a deep breath as you look around you and find a way to get through these very trying times. Oh and give yourself a huge hug. You deserve it.
I agree that the exposure through travel, and the going from one area to another, is a problem. There is a lot of weighing up to do.
I haven't seen my best friend in 2 weeks. Even if I promise her I will stay 6 feet away. Our dogs are best friends, and mine misses lil Lili... She only runs when Lili is around.. But dogs are able to carry this virus to their humans too, so we stay out of public parks now...and I don't take her to visit my aunt... one of the caretakers at the board n care is off duty for a bit... she has symptoms now... Hopefully it's only a cold.. If it is more than a cold, that house can be wiped out... 6 residents, 2 caretakers..
This virus is not prejudice. It will attack anyone in its path. So, stay put if you can. Do not get in the cross fires of covid19.
(0) Yes, It's the human in us... No matter how much you do, no matter how long you did it, and if you don't check yourself,,, You Will Feel Guilty... Please try not to feel guilty,,,, it sucks, and it's hard to wash it off... No matter how well you did, you think back, and think you could have done more... And it does not feel good... Hopefully, it will not stick to you.... I cannot get rid of it.. It is not fair to my immediate family, They know I tried, they were there with me. It is very hard..They did their best too....
I cry every night and haven't been able to sleep because my mom is in a locked unit SNF. Two days before the quarantine was issued, she was admitted and I haven't been able to hold her hand, speak to her privately in person, hug her or kiss her for over 2 weeks now and it's been very difficult considering that we would be together every day. I MISS HER SO MUCH and pray that I will be able to hug each other again.
That might make it a bit more difficult for them. But they show have their groceries delivered anyway, since they are high risk.
I fully understand needing alone time. I would be crazy by now, if I were you.
odds are you know the answer to that too. Take care stressful times are upon all of us. Family matters and no place is better than home
1. They are the reason that you came to earth.
2. I believe that if they go home, you will worry about them.
3. They will also worry about you and your family.
I don't want to continue telling you why without saying this. My daddy died in 1999.
My mother had a massive stroke in 2005. She lived with me and my husband for 9 years before she died. No, it was not always easy caring for her. I was diagnosed with ms in 1998 and have dealt with health challenges. If I could care for her again, I would!
Congratulations that you are in remission! Wow! That must have been a harrowing experience: the fear, the treatments, and now the waiting with fingers crossed. I consider that you have been through a battle with a lot of physical, mental, and emotional stress. Like any warrior who has been through a season of intense fighting, you want - and need - some down time. I have a feeling you crave some peace and quiet, some space without the "burden of others" so you can adjust to just being you.
Your parents have been with you for a loooong visit, 3 months. I imagine they came to be near their daughter whom they feared they might have lost. They have been through the emotional and adjustment upheavals too. Now the "virus" is wreaking havoc with everybody's life. Your parents are now the ones at risk of dying: older, health problems, probably more fragile immune systems. Sure, they could "stay in place" in their home in Florida but managing it without family support would be a lot more difficult. Getting to Florida would also present its own challenges: how to get there without exposure to virus, restocking shelves that are empty (toilet paper?!), and negotiating all the "stay in place" rules while caretaking. In many ways, being with your family is their best chance for survival.
The problem is how to give you and your parents the "environment" each needs. You crave - need - alone time. They desperately want time with you. May I suggest that you create "zones:" some that are yours and your hubby's only, ones that are your parents only, and ones that are community spaces. Decide together what schedules, tasks, and needs each person has while living in this situation. You should NOT be the one to do all the household tasks, all the socializing tasks, and all the caregiving tasks. You need to stress to the others that you need "downtime" daily for _____ hours since you are still recovering from your cancer battle. Use your downtime to rediscover whatever recharges your physical, mental, emotional, ans spiritual batteries.... brings you joy! You will probably find that once you are re-charged you can handle the extended time with family a little better... and maybe enjoy having them there.
The risk is real.
your parents should not be going anywhere at this point.
I am currently taking care of my 99 year old dad, under home hospice care.
I am the care 24 hours per day, 7 days per week.
He has a home care aide come in an hour per day to bathe him.
God bless them.
I am in a senior apartment, basically one small room, small kitchen, small bedroom with hospital bed for him at night.
I sleep or don’t on the smallest recliner possible lol.
I understand your stress.
I really do. It is real, your thoughts, emotions are real. Your stress is probably sky high. Bless you for taking care of them.
This is not the time to move them anywhere.
Is there room to put a tv where they can watch what they want, then you could?
Honestly they are feeling the same stress, compounded by the stress of the world none of us can control.
I f your husband is with you, go out for a short ride.
Do you have a chair you can place outside for you to get fresh air, even if you have to bundle up.
can you and your husband take a short walk.
Honestly sometimes I go sit in my car out front of his apartment, or just take a short ride around a few blocks.
It does help.
There will be days you feel you can not make it one more day. It is normal.
I think the most important is to get outside to sit awhile, a small ride, a ride with your husband through a takeout joint, to have dinner alone with your hubby. Park somewhere pretty, a park maybe, stay in your car, enjoy the scenery, eat your dinner, roll down the windows and just breathe.
I try to do this once a day. It does help.
Keep them with you.
Take time for you outside daily.
Bless you and your husband. You are the heroes in this.❤️
One side says available the other says resting.This too shall pass and you'll eventually get back to your normal.
Babies & little kids are too young to understand; most older adults are capable of it. ONE PERSON CANNOT DO IT ALONE! I am 82, was the only one caring for my mother; and I expect my kids to put their lives + the lives of their children ahead of mine! No way should the burden fall on only one! Parents put their kids first; we can only repay them by doing the same for ours! Find sone kind of help/assistance and survive! You’re not much good to anyone, if you’re not well!
That brings me to my other thought. It wouldn’t surprise me if a large part of their desire to stay as well as some of Dads hovering is about concern for you. You went through the Cancer but so did they just in a different way. There is nothing worse that feeling helpless as having to watch a loved one go through something like Cancer, it must be double for a parent watching a child. Your dad being right outside you door that morning was probably more about his worry and concern, you had sniffles (?) I think you said, than himself. He had probably been waiting since 4am when he got up to see how you were feeling! I do think we all want to keep our loved ones close during this time and fear of loosing them or watching them go through serious illness is normal and your parents and husband have a double whammy of concern given your added susceptibility. That doesn’t mean your needs for recovery take a back seat though. It does mean however that even with them gone your need to get back to normalcy in your life isn’t going to be met since we are all needing to find a new temporary “normal” right now.
Good luck, a decision you all make together, whatever that looks like isn’t going to be wrong. Keep coming from a place of love (for yourself as well as family) and remember their reactions are coming from there too probably with a fair amount of fear and concern thrown in. Don’t forget your husband is carrying that as well and sounds like he is carrying it for you and them as well, sometimes helping loved ones help you can really make a difference.
She lives up north where it snows and we live south where it’s warm.
We waited until most of winter was over. She really is happier there and my husband and I can get back to being married empty nesters. It was a strain on us. We did our part and she feels confident now to get her meals and groceries. She has elderly friends to talk to. Because of the virus no one is out and about either.
It’s good to be in your own nest and surroundings during this virus.
You have my blessing to go on with your life. Your immune system is fragile and recovering mentally from what you’ve been through is sometimes tougher than recovering from cancer treatment.
There are many articles and studies done on the health of women care givers and it’s not good.
Your husband and your health should take priority over others so that you are able to help out when there is a true emergency situation with them when no other options are available.
Bless you, I wish you well.
This shouldn't be just about you. Were all in this together. Your parents kept you safe and healthy and it is now time to return it to them. Could you hire some help if need be or do you just not want them in your home?
after dinner or in the afternoon / time that is just your own /there will come a
day in your life where you will mis having dinner with your parents .
Still! - I do feel yours would be better off in a town, with amenities on hand. Try being breezy and matter of fact about the simple practical conveniences, and see if that perks them up. It's still logistically possible to get them home, is it?
Now is the perfect time to discuss alone space, since it’s been decided it will be an additional 1 month & possibly more.
Yes, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to your parents in Florida. Likewise, you would feel 'guilty' if something happened to them while they were visiting you in Virginia!
Nothing is guaranteed in life. Safety at your house is no more guaranteed for your parents than danger is for them in Florida, or safety THERE. We are all going to be exposed to this virus eventually, let's face it. And we will either have no symptoms, very mild symptoms, or severe symptoms. We can't live our lives in a vacuum until this all passes, because in reality, that could take 18 months or more. And, in the meantime, you may not be able to get your folks back home if the hotels are ordered to close. Now is your chance.
Good luck and I hope you can get the R&R you need and deserve. Watching the news all day and entertaining others sounds like a nightmare to me.
Glad your daughter made it home safely.
Are you still working at the memory care facility? Stay safe, Lealonnie 💗.