Good morning all! My father (abusive, toxic all my life) (sometimes nice) blames me for causing his Parkinson’s.
I’m a good son. I’ve worked hard all my life. Successful. I’m an only-child. Divorced parents. I help him any way I can (he asks me for my help).
My father picks on me (my whole life; also before Parkinson’s started).
My father is now 80.
Parkinson’s started at 60.
He’s been tested many times for dementia (recently last week). Sound mind.
From the beginning (age 60), he said I caused it. He told me Parkinson’s can be caused by stress/psychological factors. He repeatedly, over many years, told me I caused it. (And that I’m causing it to get worse).
The problem is, that I believed him.
I know he’s abusive. But I guess a part of you tends to believe what your parents say.
(I have done nothing stressful towards my father). But still, I believed it.
I researched causes of Parkinson’s and tried to stop believing my father. I know it’s false. But it’s still in my mind.
Anyone else been falsely blamed for their LO’s illness, by their LO? How do you stop believing the accusation? Thanks in advance!
In his shoes, I would resign my POA and let him fend for himself.
He thinks so little of his son, clearly he can do better himself. Or hire better help than his devoted child.
"He thinks so little of his son"
True. I never thought he would back-stab me the way he did yesterday/today.
I'll continue to try to do the right thing, towards him, towards myself. And I'll try to be teflon.
Sometimes the scapegoat has to stand up, just once to a bully.
Bullies often mistake kindness for weakness.
I then leave it alone. But I always correct the false accusation first; I don’t let it slide. Sometimes he does it in front of others to try to destroy my reputation.
A very wise man once said "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if not now, when?"
Your father is not incompetent. He does not have dementia. He holds a delusion that you are causing his illness, and exacerbating it.
The kindest thing would be to resign your POA in an orderly fashion, calling his lawyer and telling her/him that you are stepping away in order to lessen the stress on your ill dad.
If there is an emergency, the caregivers will call 911 and get him urgent aid. The doctors will treat him as they would any of the thousands of other elders who show up alone in emergency rooms.
It sounds like your very presence annoys and agitated your father. Stepping away will be a kindness to you both.
My Dad has no delusions:
he knows extremely well I'm not to blame. He enjoys blaming me.
If he had a delusion, I would have described the whole situation very differently: I would have said:
My poor, poor Dad suffers from delusions, thinking I have done X and Y. Poor Dad. But since he has this delusion (and since it's impossible to change this delusion), I'll now take the following action...
No BarbBrooklyn. This isn't the situation.
My Dad has no delusions. He doesn't really believe it. Just because someone says something, doesn't mean they actually believe what they say.
He loves blaming me. It's fun for him. Abusive people enjoy making others miserable, destroying your self-esteem, even when you're in the middle of helping them.
The kindest thing is NOT to resign from POA.
He has Parkinson's. With his trembling, for example, he can't push the right buttons on the computer to access his money, to pay, to do some things.
I help him with all of that on my computer. I help with administrative trouble (visiting the appropriate offices, with my POA document). I help with medical emergencies.
Yes I could resign from all of it. I won't. I'll help.
He WANTS my help. What he wants is this:
my help AND the opportunity to use me as a "scratching post"; the chance to abuse me with every contact.
I explained:
the emergency that happened recently: he COULD NOT have made decisions. Temporarily incapacitated. I was called to make decisions.
I will not abandon. (Why? Because these are my values.)
I will at the same time protect myself.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if not now, when?"
Yes. I will find a way to protect myself. I'll try all the techniques people mentioned. I'll transform myself into teflon.
"Blamed, are you here basically to vent or do you want advice?"
Answer: Advice.
Let's summarize all the great advice I got, and all the strategies I will try:
1. Try to be teflon, let the abuse roll off you.
2. Techniques against abuse: (1) Don't internalize. (2) Put it in the invisible trash can. (3) Hear someone's cheerful voice as inspiration. (4) Visualization: example: you're in a sauna, the abuse is coming out of your pores, getting externalized. (5) Allow yourself to be happy, enjoy life, even though your LO is unhappy. (6) Pretend you have a loving LO. (7) The abuser is holding you back to childhood. Every time you get abused, do something positive for you.
3. Reduce contact to emergencies only.
4. Even during emergencies, be careful of being abused.
5. It's a control tactic, projection, manipulation.
6. Use a mantra. For example, someone here uses this: "SHE has issues, not me, that SHE never grew up, that SHE feels empty inside and projected that upon me, that SHE does not value me because I in fact HAVE VALUE ... I'm not the problem".
Like Joann has said, I am not above a little threat. Or in this case the truth. It is either you or a home. If he wants you, then he needs to cut the crap.
Check out YouTube videos by Teepa Snow. She is an OT who has some pretty brilliant techniques for managing difficult situations like ones you present.