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My husband constantly tells me his illness is my fault. His choices and behavior led him to where he is today. If his bp goes up because he doesn't like something I've said to him, that's on him, not me. It is totallly a control tactic and I don't buy it any more.
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blamed Mar 2022
Terrible.

And I'm so glad you don't buy it anymore! I'll get to where you are.

Need to rid myself of the brain-washing.

"It is totallly a control tactic"

I hadn't looked at it that way before --- THANK YOU.
I really agree. If my father wants to shut something down, or anything, he starts blaming, etc.

YES, control tactic, right.

It's like he uses his Parkinson's against me.
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Hello Blamed,

Please change your name from Blamed (that’s what your father wants) to something else.
:)
How about Treasured? Appreciated? Cherished?

Hello Appreciated,

It’s a lie that you in any way caused the Parkinson’s or made the disease worse.

You don’t have the power to do that.
Did you inject your father with Parkinson’s disease?
Did you manipulate his cells, one by one, so that Parkinson’s will progress?

If anything, with your help, I bet you made the situation of having Parkinson’s a million times better for him.

Hello Appreciated,

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
And actually very mean of your father to blame you, and he probably noticed you believed him, after repeatedly telling you that you’re the cause. Kind of like mentally torturing someone.

Poodle Doodle
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blamed Mar 2022
Thanks!!

Really.
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Al-anon has a great saying that I find helpful.
1. I did not cause this.
2. I can not control this.
3. I can not cure this.
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blamed Mar 2022
Thanks for re-affirming that it's not my fault!! I think (as Bundleofjoy pointed out), I've been a bit brain-washed (my father says it to me so often: that I caused it, and I'm also the reason his Parkinson's progresses).

Thanks!!
--I didn't cause this, I can't control this, I can't cure this.

Have a nice Sunday!
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You need to find ways to live where your father can’t ‘pick on you’ and blame you for things you didn’t do. The quickest way is to walk away, stop contact. The step before that is to threaten it (genuinely) if it doesn’t stop. The science is on your side – before you walk away, put him in touch with it!

Other options might be:
1) To show him the print-out information about Parkinsons that you already know, with the links to check on the information, and whatever help he needs with the technology.
2) To put him in touch with the Parkinsons support information site.
3) To offer him paid time with a knowledgable counsellor.
4) Earplugs when you visit.

Good luck! Many Christians would say that you are fighting the devil (of disinformation).
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blamed Mar 2022
Thanks!!

1.
Can you explain what you mean please:

“Many Christians would say that you are fighting the devil”

Do you mean this literally?

2.
He knows all the info on causes. And he has a good neurologist who explained the causes.

It doesn’t matter.
He blames me.

3.
We don’t live together.
We’re in contact when I help. Earplugs good idea, but sometimes when I help, I need to hear what he says. Then, he starts inserting accusations/blame, mixed in with relevant conversation.

4.
I tried to (on the phone) politely say goodbye when abuse starts — but sometimes the helping topic is urgent and we urgently need to deal with the topic.

Thanks!!
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dear blamed,
:)

hug!!
don’t accept the blame. throw the blame out of your mind, and into the garbage.

abusers repeat their false accusations/false criticisms…in order to sort of brain-wash you.

if you hear something once, it’s kind of easy to shrug it off. but if you keep hearing it…

———
solution?

throw all the blaming/accusations in the garbage.

you’re kindly helping your father, despite his terrible, false accusation of you. he’s very lucky you help.

a lot of abusers feel better if they can blame someone else (in particular if they can blame the scapegoat, whom they’ve scapegoated anyway for years).

they have a bad illness. “what to do?…i know! i’ll blame the scapegoat for causing it.”

you didn’t cause the Parkinson’s. don’t believe it.

and — you’re not causing Parkinson’s to get worse. Parkinson’s gets worse on its own.

very unfair + morally wrong of your father to blame you in any way.

all this false blaming (which is also abuse), can make YOU (dear OP) sick and unhappy. stressed (especially since your father managed to make you believe it). watch out for your physical/mental health. and — don’t believe any of these false accusations.

hug!!!

bundle of joy :)
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blamed Mar 2022
Thanks!! I’ll do so!!
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