My father-in-law has been living with my husband and I for over two years and it is not an ideal situation for any of us. Advice?

If he’s not paying his own way, INCLUDING RESPITE CARE, he needs to be gently informed that he has financial responsibilities, and he must contribute to his own care.

There are some Assisted Living set ups that have terrific efficiency apartment arrangements, pleasant dining rooms and common areas, and full activity programs, including trips out and scheduled visits to malls for shopping and kibitzing.

EVERYTHING has been ruined by Covid, but don’t give up. After he’s safe in a comfortable, well managed AL, you’ll be able to recover the previously comfortable relationship you knew with him in the past.

You have lost some of the balance you had before he became your full time responsibility. It is time for you and your husband to enjoy the benefits of your hard work. Balance is an important aspect of caregiving.

Good luck to you and your family.

First off, YOU should not be paying for ANY expenses on behalf of your FIL! He should be paying YOU for his share of share of the expenses of the mortgage, food, gas & electric, etc. Including the $900 it costs for respite care for when you need or want to travel. Unfortunately, the cost of living in 2021 is not free and only getting costlier on a daily basis, so the free ride for FIL needs to end now if you keep him living with you, imo.

That said, I will tell you that if my 94 year old mother had her druthers, she'd be living in her own home, with moderately advanced dementia, wheelchair bound, with afib, CHF, bad GERD, and all sorts of other issues too numerous to get into. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and has fallen 33x just since she's been transferred into the MC bldg in June of 2019!!! She has zero judgment making skills, zero ability to gauge what 'safety' looks like, and continuously 'leans over' to pick something up in her wheelchair and falls out, head first. If she was living with me, I'd have lost my mind long ago.

In my opinion, you've reached your coping limit with your FIL and he has to go to Assisted Living, NOT Independent Living. Why wait for a crisis to happen and THEN move him again out of IL and into AL when he should have been in AL all along? Each move creates confusion and chaos for all involved; you, him, everyone. Why postpone the inevitable? Let him know that you love him, but that you can no longer care for him at home, his needs have simply become too great for one person to manage. He needs a TEAM of people who work in shifts to manage his care; medications, food prep, help with activities of daily living *ADLs* (even if he doesn't need help now, he WILL with Parkinson's) showers, etc.

Lots of elders have a picture in their minds of the Little Shop of Horrors with regard to Assisted Living. The reality is something entirely different. Go scout out a few local ALFs and bring home some brochures. Give him a choice of which place he'd like to move into, not 'if' but 'when'. Let him know you'll be visiting often and calling often, but this is his opportunity to meet new friends and play cards, get socialized and start a new chapter of life. I made my intentions known with my parents from the get-go that I would not be caring for ANY elders in my home and I'm glad I did stick to my guns on that. It's not a crime or a sin, either..........nowhere is it written that 'children' have to give up OUR lives for seniors who made no arrangements for their own care after retirement.

He may surprise you and LOVE AL life! My mother did, before she went into Memory Care and her dementia took over her mind.

Wishing you the best of luck drawing boundaries with your FIL and sticking to them. Have fun on your travels!

I agree with Lea and Ann!

Additionally, where is your husband in all of this? Is he in agreement with you (FIL needs placement) or his dad (everything is copacetic as it is right now)? I think I know where my money lies, considering your one statement "I have been looking at assisted living facilities for him over the last year but he fights me tooth and nail" - nothing in there about your husband.

Living rent free with you? Of course he's going to feel he has no issues! Why on Earth would he agree to move elsewhere that he has to pay, when he can live with you at no cost (other than YOUR sanity/life/marriage)? I'm betting you take care of all of his needs such as meals/laundry/cleaning, etc. to boot.

Your *hubby* has to be the one to step in and tell his dad that this arrangement doesn't work for you anymore, and he needs to go elsewhere - preferably AL. This shouldn't be on you to try and do on your own - that's not fair. If hubby is not seeing the demands that dad is making on your life, then go on strike "gee, honey, your dad needs dinner. What are you going to make for him? Gee, honey, your dad doesn't have any clean clothing - you're going to have to do his laundry" etc. Maybe if he gets a taste of his dad's needs, he'll get on board more quickly that his dad needs to be placed.

I really hope I'm wrong about your husband, and he's on board with what you need to do, it will make everything much easier on you if that's the case.

Good luck.

I agree with the first 3 posters and most particularly with "notgoodenough" when she queried about where your husband is in all this. He has the primary relationship with his Dad and must take the lead role in explaining to Dad why it will be best for all concerned when (not if) he moves to a care living. There are some AL's when you can live independently and then purchase the services that you need as they come up. I think he will find that he needs services including med management pretty quickly.
You don't mention what kind of funds he has available but he will definitely require MC and possibly LTC. Knowing this, you need to get him to a facility that you trust and that can provide 24 hr care for him as you all go down this ugly road.

Once he get's used to AL living (and he may never admit that he is used to it so get ready for that) you and Hubby can go back to being loving and caring visitors instead of quarreling overworked caregivers.

You should definitely not be paying his expenses. He must have some type of income even if it only a small social security check.

Well of course you have the tail wagging the dog here. He needs care, not you. and because he needs care, the apartment isn’t a good idea unless he has a caregiver checking on him daily, a medi alert, someone to manage his food, his bills etc etc.
Remove yourself from across the table and sit beside him while he has a needs assessment. If he still wants an apartment, then it’s his decision and your husbands errands to run. I’m assuming he is competent to make his own decisions. Parkinsons is different for each person and he may be fine in an apartment with less expense than ALF. Again it depends on the person, the facility, the progression of the disease and what he has grown accustomed to.
Why did he move in to begin with? I can somewhat understand why he’s been there during the worst of COVID but for whatever reason it started out, hopefully that has resolved. If he and hubs are both dug in, I would take which ever path makes it easier to get him out.
Who has his POA?

Is your FIL on Medicare? They will pay for a week of respite care in a facility each year.

https://www.medicare.org/articles/does-medicare-cover-respite-care/

OK, that’s just one thing on your list.

FIL should be paying for his expenses, aka any increased expenses such as utilities, food, supplies, while living in your home. HOWEVER, that's between you/husband and FIL. It is okay if you both (you and hubs) agree that it's the right thing to do for him. If it impacts monthly expenses for you or your ability to set aside enough for your own potential future needs, then he should chip in.

When you can, check out various ALs. Get brochures. Ask a lot of questions (cost, services covered by the cost, care provided in the cost, what additional care might cost, etc.) Tours are good, if they are ready to restart those. You need to see, hear, smell, taste, touch to get the full picture. If/when they are fully "open", go without appt to wander the halls and chat with residents. Get a feel for each place. Narrow down the choices to those that you feel provide the right environment for FIL. Then take him there for a tour and free meal (my mother used to go to those all the time! I think she just wanted the free meal.) Alternative, if those you've narrowed down have respite care, use that place next and often (as others noted, HIS assets should be paying for this - it doesn't matter that it is allowing you freedom to visit your mother or whatever, it is for HIS care, therefore HIS dime!!!

Let him see these are not 4 walled cells/prisons. Most are much like apartments, but they have a dining area, laundry and cleaning service, activities, transportation to local area stores, malls, etc and PEOPLE he can socialize with. After his respite care, what did he think of the place(s) you've used? Did he make any comment? Did anyone ask how it was? Did anyone chat with staff to see how things went while he was there?

Like others noted, it does seem like this is all falling on your lap. Just leaving your husband out of the discussion might not say he isn't involved, but why are you running around gathering info, trying to convince FIL (he fights you)? If you are indeed holding the entire fort up (cooking, cleaning, laundry, toileting, bathing, etc), then you need to take a mini-vacation, go visit your mom and leave hubs with his dad. A week minimum, two would be better. If you come home and things were left undone (laundry, cleaning, etc), then you stand your ground until it is all done, but NOT by you! Sometimes it does take dumping all the responsibility into the other person's lap to make them see. He may be supportive, he may be minimally helpful, but if all this is on you, that needs to change. FIL isn't going to listen to you. He may not listen to his son, but it is NOT your job to do all this. You should be supporting hubs while HE manages everything.

There's a potential "what if" hanging there too... What if your mother needs your help? You certainly can't care for 2 yourself. If you had to go take care of her, who'd be caring for FIL?

He (FIL) had his time. It's your turn to enjoy some of the fun in life. You are still young enough and healthy enough to do that, do it NOW! We don't know what the future holds for us. If we hold off on all those dreams that we planned and saved for, real life could get in the way and prevent you from ever having that time together! It's not like he'd be abandoned. He would have good care, assistance, medication management, some social activity AND can still have visits from his son (and you.)

He may not like it, but he's had a more or less free ride for 2 years and is clueless as to how much it takes out of you. Get hubs on board - take that mini-vaca to mom's if needed, to get him onto the boat!!!

Speaking from personal experiences and a tough life, I learned - too late - that sometimes we have people in our lives who simply don't accept or see reality and their mental and physical behaviors start to affect us and those around us we love - if given enough time and opportunity - and we do nothing about it - it will DESTROY US. Where does it say that is a must or is acceptable. Often in life, like this situation, the relationship is now getting very ugly and harmful. So you choose - you make the choice to put you first - which is right - he lived his life - and do something about it. Make sure all affairs are in perfect order including having a POA and other related legal documents. He cannot live alone and caretakers are nice but don't always work out. Sometimes we must force the issue - like placing him. Don't procrastinate. it is not working so correct it before it is too late.

It's nice letting FIL living with you rent-free. Does he pay for any of his expenses? He is the one that should pay for respite care not you and your husband. Your father should really be paying his own way - if not rent, then share in the groceries, gas, utilities.

To preserve your relationship with FIL and hubby, it's time to have a gentle come to meeting with your FIL. But first, you and your husband need to sit and calmly get on the same page about your wants, desires etc. 1st should be the safety of FIL which will not be accomplished in a senior/IL apartment.

You (plural you) may want to contact Area on Aging and see if they will come out and do a needs assessment on FIL. If not them, then maybe his doc could do a needs assessment. Just let doc know ahead of time your goals of getting FIL into AL and out of your home. Then you can always blame the dr. for FIL not being able to live on his own.

Gently as possible you with hubby or hubby alone needs to sit with FIL and tell him why he needs to move - maybe make it more about the other people his age he can associate with and activities for him to participate in. But let him know as gently as possible that the living arrangements as they currently are, aren't working.

In the meantime, if not already being done - hire home aids to come in to care for dad - ON HIS DIME. Again dad should be paying for his retirement as you and your husband will need to pay for your retirement needs.

Remember, placing him in AL does not mean hubby is abandoning him and is not his caregiver, it just changes how he gives care. He will be Dad's advocate making sure he is getting what he needs - which first and foremost is SAFETY. You get to be dad's loving children again (even though you'll still also act as his parent from time to time).

Good luck and may you all get through these hard times with as little damage as possible to the relationships.

The problem with Parkinson's disease is that it leads to dementia. Please consider the following:

1 - Get him to a lawyer that specializes in family law while he is still mentally competent. Make sure he has a will, powers of attorney (medical and financial), and any other legal documents drawn up to give your authority to manage his affairs when his is no longer able to.

2 - Make an appointment with his primary care doctor to evaluate his medical problems and his mental competency. Do not be surprised if his doctor makes a referral to a neurologist for further evaluation and treatment.

3 - Start researching residential facilities that can "phase," move him into more care as he needs it. Check to make sure that the facility can help your FIL apply for Medicaid if needed. Also make sure that the facility will take Medicaid-dependent clients.

4 If FIL is mentally competent, explain that he can no longer continue to live with you. Explain that he needs to live someplace where there are others who can help him with his unique physical challenges. Let him know about the top 3 places that his resources can afford. Let him choose among them and help him to move. IF FIL is not mentally competent, then choose the facility that would most likely be a good fit for him. Make arrangements for him to move into his "new home".

I am a little confused - you cannot pay for him to go into respite but you can sort out some other form of care. Please excuse me (I am in UK so its different) but if he can afford a care facility or to pay for a Senior Apartment why cannot respite be afforded?
Is it not worth putting him (terrible phrase) into a level of respite that can make an assessment of his needs over a four to six week period just to find out if your concerns are valid or maybe a little over cautious. I don't know what may be available for this. I suspect your concerns are completely valid, but it is always useful to have an outsider's assessment, it helps us to see if we are worrying too much or maybe we are actually not worrying enough. Obviously one cannot keep paying out for this type of thing, but you and your husband need some time, and FIL needs to see whether he can manage or not.
Just a thought. Hope you can work something out.

Has he visited any Assisted Living Facilities? I've visited a few where a friend or family were living and found them very nice. Private apartment space with a small kitchenette. Our friend in FL has a beautiful place, fixes his own breakfast, joins others for community lunch (which is their big meal) and has a sandwich for the evening. He kept hi sown car until a couple years ago and now takes advantage of the ALF transportation or his daughter who live nearby come and take him where he wants to go. One of our historic buildings here was just converted from a SNF to Assisted Living. Beautiful modern apartments, some studio, some one or two bedroom units. New appliances including washer & dryer included. The community dining room actually has a daily menu with a couple of choices for each meal. I would love to live there!

My mom recently died. She lived with us for 15 years. She also had Parkinson’s disease. It is a brutal disease which does rob a person of their independence.

It is terribly hard watching a parent decline. It’s also hard on the caregivers who have to manage their loved ones needs as best as they possibly can.

Keep looking at facilities. As time goes by, he will need more care. You can start off in a nice assisted living facility and if his care becomes more than the facility can do, you will have to transfer him to a skilled nursing facility.

Best wishes to you and your family.

First of all I think you need to put your foot down and get your husband to take more responsibility why should you be unhappy in your own home and if you want to visit your mum why don’t you go and leave your husband to look after him and then he will see how hard it is I think it’s being really unfair to expect you to carry all the burden you have your own life to live hope it all works out for you

With the issues he has, including medication management and falls he needs to be in assisted living where there are eyes on him and a nurse on board with staff. I have moved my father from IL, to Al, To LTC and that is no picnic. So if it were me I’d avoid doing two moves and go straight to AL as it sounds appropriate, especially with his advancing Parkinson’s.
I don’t know why his SSI doesn’t help pay for his care or his respite! That seems strange to me. Is he saving it for his old age...lol!
I digress....your house, your rules. When something is affecting your marriage and relationships, it's time for a change. And the sooner the better so he can adapt to his new environment. Realize it will take him a minimum of 3-6 months to feel at home there and be happy. So be prepared for his negative reaction after moving and know that it’s typical.
AND please get POA for both financial and medical for someone before he loses his faculties and can’t sign it.

I’m so sorry about your situation. I would not try out independent living because it sounds like if you and your husband can’t give him the care he needs because you two work, then he won’t be able to manage in his own apartment. You and your husband will spend more time at his apartment than you do caring for him at your place. What I had to do with my mother was to be very firm and just flat out say “the plan is for you to move (AL), there is no other option I will support, and you can’t go back to your apartment.” My mother had moderate dementia at that time and didn’t recognize her situation. She thought she could drive and was going back to work. She couldn’t even get herself to the bathroom or prepare a sandwich. But I moved her straight from rehab following hospital stays. I had the back up of her doctor. I looked around for the best option that was convenient for me too and just made arrangements for the move. In hindsight she probably could have been placed in LTC as her “step up care” costs were fairly high. She has declined further and has advanced dementia now and I moved her to LTC. My mother had hospice services in AL and the hospice social worker was instrumental in helping me place my mother in LTC.

This is not easy. You will feel like the bad guy and others outside your home might interfere and tell you to keep him with you. Listen to your gut - your health and relationships are suffering. Your FIL might yell and give you a hard time, but stand your ground. Deep down he knows he needs help. And most importantly insure that he has all his estate paperwork in place.

We had a similar situation with my brother in law. We placed him in a nursing home once covid vaccines were available and we felt safe doing so. If your father in law has mental capacity, sit down with him and explain that although he feels like he is independent, the reality is that he is not. Cite 3 examples. Explain to him that he does not qualify for a senior apartment because of the stated examples. Also explain that you and your husband need alone time and family time in your own home. It is not a question of if, or even when, he will be going to assisted living, but where he will go. Explain the difference between assisted living and nursing homes. Often people think they are the same thing. Look online and allow him as much choice as possible as to where. Set a time line. "In one week we will have made a list of facilities in the area to consider. In two weeks we will have looked online and narrowed it down to three facilities. In three weeks we will have called each of the three to verify availability and ask questions about insurance, visiting policies, level of care questions. In 4 weeks we will have decided on a facility. After we decide we will begin the admissions process immediately (this will include sending medical and insurance records and providing other information, and admissions board meeting, and bed availability)". Once all this is complete and a bed is available, he will go to his new home. For us, this process turned into a 12 week evolution due to one facility turning him down after the paperwork process was complete, and having to start over with another facility in a nearby town. However, by beginning the process you will make progress towards your goal of safe and adequate care for your family member and also preserving the quality of life for the years that you yourself can live independently.

This is assuming he is mentally competent, is mobile enough, and has adequate funds. Tour a senior apartment complex that he is mentioning. Get the cost of the apartment, and add the cost of the caregiver her will need to come in at least 2x a day to give the meds, and maybe make him a meal. Add in the costs of several uber drives, and a maid to come clean x a week and do laundry. Plus the internet/atv service/food costs, fall pendant. Total it up.
Then take him to the nicest IL/ AL/MemoryCare/LTC complex that he can afford
Tour the IL/AL apartments. Explain what comes with each. Eat lunch there. Talk with some of the people. Some places have their activities schedule posted.
Then discuss.
It would be easier to be in the IL AL complex, as at least in my mom case they will move everything for you. But if he is willing to hire all the extra help he needs and you make clear YOU will not be all the extra help then at least he will be out of your house.
Senior apts and IL are private pay, but most AL are covered by LTC insurance.

If your FIL would at least move to a senior apartment, he would be out of your house and would have be paying rent He prpbably needs (and should pay for) a part time health care aide as well, but you cannot guarantee he will let them in.

parkinsons does not get better over time so I think your husband should look at AL for him. Stress the social aspect of it. My FIL was resistant but months after moving in he loves it. He joined several social groups and eats most meals with his friends and swims every day in their pool. He is actually thriving and we thought he would decline after my lovely MIL passed from a long battle with cancer. He was her primary caregiver and was completely burned out.

I would let father in law try out the Senior Apartment as it would end the fight and if it doesn't work out have your back up plan for Assisted Living and have him go there directly from his apartment not back to your house.

As far as falling issues, You might put up a bar in the shower as most accidents/falls happen in the bathrooms.

As far as his meds are concerned, you should go over his meds with his Dr and see if there's any that he could be off from as most Seniors are on way too many med's that they really don't need.

Then figure out a way for him to take his meds like use a 1 or 2 wk Daily Med container and you or your husband fill it up ever week or two.

You really don't need to have to drive these days as he can call an Uber or find out about Senior Transportation.

Sone Senior Apartments offer trips to the grocery store, out to eat, ect.

He also has the option to have his groceries delivered and if he doesn't have a computer he can talk to check with The Blind Dept in your area and see what things they can help you with like wrist watches that tell you what time it is when you touch a button.

He probably should wear a First Alert in case of a Fall.

As far as his meals, sign him up for Meals on Wheels and sometimes it is a long wait but in the meantime, he can use easy microwaveable meals to cook in the microwave .

My Dad use to love his Jimmy Dean Breakfast Biscuits with meat egg and cheese.

Use all easy stuff like instant oatmeal, little pks of apple sauce and yogurt.

Your husband could even set up a Camera in his apartment to keep an eye on him anytime you want to check on him from your cell phone 24 7.
I used the Nest Camera, easy to set up.

He deffiently deserves a try at a Senior Apartment if that's what he wants.

You need to take care of yourself and your marriage first and you should not have to feel guilty about that. It sounds like your father in law is putting a guilt trip on you. He is thinking of what he wants and not was is best for all of you. It's hard to face it when you cannot take care of yourself anymore, but you have to stick with your plan of looking for assisted living places for him. Do not allow him to move to a regular apartment. It will only have you going over there and still helping him. It will also be dangerous for him. Have you talked to his doctor about help with moving him to an assisted living place? You should and hopefully his doctor is helpful with this decision. Does your husband have siblings that are involved with his care? If yes, they should step up and support you or tell them you cannot handle your father in law's care and ask them who wants him to move in with them. That usually brings them around to help with the assisted living plan. Also it will help to develop a plan on how you will sit down and have a frank talk with him. You can tell him you are starting to have health issues and can't provide the care he needs anymore. Your not lying, stress is a health issue that needs to be addressed it's to much for you. I hope this helps you.

One thing to add to my reply is to have a funeral trust set up for your father. It is his money set aside in an account that will pay for the costs of his funeral. Call his bank and get advice on how to do that. That way if he goes to a nursing home type setting they cannot take that money for his care.

Do yourself a favour and have him move into assisted living where he will have care. If he is in an apartment it will be more work for you than having him live with you.

Due to age and physical and mental conditions, and the impact (negatively) is has on YOUR lives, you have no choice but to place him somewhere. It s going to get worse and you will no longer have a life. Tell him he can have an apartment but it would be in assisted living. There are many with extra bedrooms - I know. I live in one like that. If needed to "force" the issue, see an eldercare attorney for possible guardianship or at the least a POA and a durable power of attorney as he gets worse. He will rebel but this is your time to live, he had his life. Do no t wait do not take him home or leave him alone. It will lead to disaster. Do something now while you still can.

"Should we try out the apartment thing and wait for a crisis to happen or stick to assisted living options?" Oh honey, no no no no no no NO do not do this. We did that with my mother, who had lived her life so independently for YEARS...when she was discharged after a MAJOR surgery and a cancer diagnosis last September, after 3 months at rehab we went the independent living route because we were not set up to have her live with us and it was the next best thing. The rehab assured us that she would be ok in an independent living environment. We took their word for it. We didn't know any better. Besides, it was right down the road less than a mile--we could be there in 2 minutes if we had to. Well, she was NOT ok in an independent living environment, and it was really no more than an apartment complex where you had to be 55 to live there. After about a month, it was obvious she needed MUCH more assistance with maintaining even that little studio apartment...we provided it when we could but we were there pretty much every day and it broke our hearts to see her struggle. She couldn't drive, she couldn't cook, she didn't eat (the food WAS pretty yukky), she just kind of gave up on everything. She was in pain. She was lonely. She would call us at all hours, needing something but really just needing somebody to talk to. Then husband and I got COVID early November and we couldn't be there for 3 weeks. We were her only support system, and we could not bring her food or take her to the doc or visit or take her for a ride or anything. It was terrible for her. She was hospitalized end of November. She had gone so downhill in the 2 months in ILF:( She was never the same.
It is a long long story of all the things that happened after that which I won't go into, but if I had it to do over again I would have chosen a place for her where she could have "aged in place"...in other words, where you could start with ILF but when the time came for AL, it would be there. And when the time came for increased assistance it would be there. And so on. DO YOUR HOMEWORK. ASK QUESTIONS. Don't fall for the first Senior living place that calls you. They aren't all the same. Remember, its a salesperson calling you.
Above all--do not "wait for a crisis to happen". because it WILL, eventually. That's setting your fil up to fail and worse, he will fail because of something (the disease) out of his control. Not fair to him, and when that crisis happens you will feel like a bomb got dropped on your life. Take proactive steps now (even if its touchy and hard to do), to keep his future as happy and safe as it can possibly be.

I am in the same boat as you. My dad is currently in the hospital and wants to come back home to us but my husband wants me to find assisted living for him. He only has social security and I don’t know where to turn. I’d like some advice too.

The best thing may be to meet with a caseworker. They will evaluate him and then THEY will tell him that he can’t go to a Senior Living apartment, due to his health. Takes it out of your hands. No more argument!

They can also get the ball rolling for Assisted Living. Best of luck, I think this will help smooth the way to a faster resolution.

Try explaining to him that just because he is in AL doesn't mean he still can't be around others and do things with people his own age. IF he has the funds, use them, otherwise you might have to get a person to come in every time you want to go somewhere and maybe your hubby should explain to his father that he (your hubby) would like to spend some quality time with you without others being around or your hubby should explain that things are not working out well and its better if he goes into an AL place for now. he might like it. wishing you luck.

Imho, your FIL requires facility living now. Waiting for a crisis to happen is not in your or his best interest.