I am in hell. My father is dying and it is near end of life for him. My husband has stage 4 colon caner and has months to live as well. My parents have been married for 53 years and my Mother has become very mean towards me during these last few weeks. I have 2 other sisters, I am the oldest. My Mother had a decent relationship until my Father became sick. Since then my sister (who doesn't work) has been by her side. Things between this sister and I have never been good, even as children. This sister is at my parent's everyday, yet my Mother pushes me away. She wants me to schedule visits to see my dying Father. She has been just awful the last 2 weeks. She has told me "to buck up" and that I need to stop crying. I was looking for some support from my Mother and she was until the last few weeks. I would never ask one of my children to schedule a visit to see their dying father in his final days. I know this has to be so difficult for my Mom, but it is for all of us. Even when calling to check on her and my Dad she is snappy and mean. She is also like this with my youngest sister (we both work full time) My sister who is there all the time is does not work. I feel so alone in all of this.
“Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration”
Maybe take Mom out to lunch. Tell her you both could use the break. After you have a nice lunch, tell her you feel you both need to talk. To let you go first and then her. Tell her you are in the same boat she is. Your are losing a husband too and a father. The difference, you have to work to keep you out of debt. There may come a time when you will have to take family leave to care for your husband. That you appreciate what your sister can do for Mom but that is primarily because she does not work. You work and come home to care for ur husband. That you understand her anger and frustration, ur living it, and it would be nice if she understood yours. You would love to be there for her and Dad but its not possible. And scheduling a visit is just not possible because you never know what the day will bring.
Then let her get off her chest how she feels. No rebuttals. Both of you go home and think about what each other said. Maybe Mom will come to realize how unfair and selfish she has been. Maybe not, but u got it off your chest.
I think perhaps your mother is anticipating the loss of her husband and can't reach out beyond that to extend sympathy to you, not that that excuses the behavior and hostility.
Perhaps she resents that you and your youngest sister work and aren't there to help her care for your father. Or it could be another reason as well.
Assuming you don't have children and/or any other support for your husband, I would focus on him, but continue to call and/or send cards to your father. Perhaps your sister who doesn't work would show him the cards so he knows that you're still in the picture.
Do you have anyone helping you navigate this painful path? I found hospice has a lot of good resources and I also found a grief support group very helpful.
You will get through this. I'm sorry your mom can't be a support for you now. I hope you find other supports.
So sorry that you are facing the loss of your Father and Husband.
Here are two very minor suggestions that might help you cope.
1) Can you take a 'family leave' from work, taking a break for yourself, and also to bring you to your husband's side, and gathering your resources?
2) Instead of saying and thinking your loved ones are 'dying', can you wrap your head around this statement?
"My Husband and my Father are [living with cancer]."
It is a different mental perspective. It is not denial. Each may very well be in the actively dying stage of life. But they are living with cancer this day.
Focus on what you can do today to make your life and theirs more comfortable. When you need to cry, and you will, do not cry while visiting your Father. Could that be why your mother seems to be acting cold towards you?