He is being treated with complete disrespect. It's obvious she wants him gone. None of his friends are allowed to visit. The woman smokes like a chimney. He has been stuck in a house filled with completly obnoxious cigarette smoke everywhere. My Dad hasn't smoked in over 30 yrs. She is very selfish. It's her way or no way. His insurance will cover pallative care and she says she doesn't want anyone in her house. (BTW is was his before he married her). I can't get him to go out with me, even just for a ride. He has given up. We've tried many different meds and nothing has worked. I'm not even sure if she is giving him his meds. I had him with me at my house for a month but I work full time and he was alone a lot. It's just not feasible at this point. His wife has always been a difficult woman so it's actually not suprising. It's completely awful to see this happening to him. My brother has actually said, our Dad chose to marry her. UGH
She doesn't get to keep his money.
Wishing you the best of luck. These situations are so hard.
Lived in houses filled with second hand smoke all my life.
Worst environment for bladder cancer.
I am glad you have moved your Dad in with you, but I wonder now if it is not the time to have a talk with him. As you said, you DO have a job, and your Dad may get better or may not.
Sit with Dad and get clear his own wishes now. He may need to do a separation of financial assets and enter into assisted living so that he can receive monitoring, care, transit to appointments and so on.
Thanks for your added note making it clear that Dad does NOT wish to live in this circumstance, whatever his past choices were at that time.
Do know we are seeing some good luck with treatment of bladder cancers. I don't know your Dad's own prognosis or condition.
I wish you both the best.
It is clear that you do not like the second wife, and you may be completely correct in your assessment that she isn't a very pleasant woman, nor in the least likable. But for your father's sake I would forgo making any waves, be supportive and helpful (yes, even to "HER"). That would be the kindness you can do to/for your Dad, who apparently hasn't made the best choice in a wife, or at least a choice you approve.
I am sorry for the pain, but right- fighting at the end of the life of one of our parents can only bring them pain. I know that you don't want to add to your Dad's pain. Try to look at your statement "he's given up" rather as "he is facing the end of his life, is tired, and may be ready; what can I do to help him".
My best to you. This must be heartbreaking for you. Having lost both my parents years ago, and having been so lucky to have them, I encourage you to make the end of Dad's life as good as you can FOR HIM. My heart and best wishes go out to you.
BUT, I made my choice 46 years ago to not only marry a non-smoker but to NOT allow his OB (whom DH ADORES) to smoke in our home.
Your dad is used to it--sadly, he's sick now and possibly SM is smoking more to deal with the stress, IDK, not having ever smoked.
Step moms have it tough. It's rare that a family embraces and adores a 'step-parent' b/c there is always that 'you're not my real parent' dynamic, esp if the bio parent is still living.
I think offering to help step mom is a better choice than being judgy and dismissive. Yes, your dad chose her (a LONG time ago)and obviously he still chooses her to this day. You have to respect that.
And yep--there are people who actually thrive on 'abuse', as it were. You can't really help them. And if your dad is getting care and is clean and in a stable environment--well, APS won't do anything.
Dad is dealing with bladder cancer, that is no walk in the park. He probably feels crappy everyday. And it has nothing to do with SM. Unless you want to take him in to your home and he wants to come, you cannot do anything but the smaller, daily tasks.
Good Luck finding balance in this.
Your brother is right. Your father chose to marry this woman and he chooses to stay with her. The fact that he won't even go for a ride to leave the house means he wants to be exactly where he is.
As for his wife smoking like a chimney in the house. This is not new. She's been smoking in that house since she moved in there. Your father has never had a problem with it. If he did his house would have been a smoke-free establishment a long time ago.
Your father is fine with things the way they are and that should be respected. His wife's care does not meet your standards. Yet you yourself admit to not being able to care for father yourself in your home. Maybe your step-mother does want to see him dead. Do you think she's the first person to be in a caregiving situation 24/7 who has wanted that? Or that she's the first caregiver to suffer from burnout?
I was an in-home caregiver mostly for elderly for 25 years. So I'm going to give you a warning as a friend. Don't complain too much. Think long and hard before you make a call to APS because that action may open a Pandora's Box within your family that you will not be able to close.
How about talking to instead of at your step-mother? Offer respite care so she can get a break. Start praising what a wonderful job she is doing for your father. You don't have to mean it. It's okay if you and your brother hate her guts. Be nice and appreciative to her. This will benefit your father greatly.
Of course he chose to marry her. ?
But dfox, what you appear to be describing doesn't, in my opinion, fall into that category. You say your stepmom is a difficult, selfish woman. That's unfortunate, but it isn't criminal behavior. You say you aren't sure that dad is getting his medication, but you don't give any reason for that suspicion. Yourself state that dad has tried many different meds, but "nothing has worked", so I'm not sure what it is you expect your stepmom to do differently.
I understand that seeing your dad ill and (in your opinion) helpless is distressing. It's never easy for us to see our loved ones grow frail and feeble. But I have to ask you - what is it you hope to accomplish by setting APS on your stepmother? Do you hope it will get her to treat dad better? To punish her for what you perceive to be bad treatment of him? To get her arrested/removed from the home where your dad is?
What exactly do you think will happen to dad should you get your way, and your stepmom is somehow removed from this situation? You have already stated you tried to have dad live with you, but it didn't work out and is not "feasible at this point"? If dad needs full time care, and there is no one in the family that can do that, what do you think happens to dad? And do you think that's a better living situation than he has right now?
Certainly, if you feel that dad is being abused, by all means call APS. But before you do, please be honest with yourself as to whether or not this is about your concern for your dad's well-being, or your obvious dislike of your stepmother. You might have every reason to dislike her, but I think you need to heed your brother's words and accept that dad did indeed choose to marry her and try - for dad's sake - to accept that. Because i suspect if you call APS, whether or not they come to investigate and find abuse or not, I think that call will be the final "nail in the coffin" for your relationship with dad. Is that a chance you're willing to take?
I sincerely wish you good luck.
I was a smoker since I was 11 years old. I quit a couple of years ago. My homes were smoke-free though. No smoking indoors because it smells and turns everything yellow.
Some people don't mind though. The OP's father clearly doesn't and it's his house.
To hear my stepdaughter talk, you'd think I was preventing her from seeing her father when it is SHE who is too lazy and selfish to get up off her **** to come visit him. But hey, it's easier to blame the evil wicked stepmother than it is to do any real work building a relationship with her father. That's not to say YOU are like my step daughter,,, just giving you the other side of the story
In reality, your SM may be a difficult woman, I don't know. It just gets tiresome hearing the one sided stories about how "the terrible woman the children's father married has ruined everyone's life." While the stepchildren haven't done a THING to make OUR lives a cake walk, I might add! 😑
Go ahead and call APS and report the wife for elder abuse and see what comes of it. You may wind up either further alienating dad or getting him back in your home to care for on a full time basis. Is that your goal? You don't mention WHAT your goal is anyway.
All ** aside, I'm sorry your father is dealing with bladder cancer. It would be good if you could all put aside your differences now and come together for dad's sake, with love, and show him support in his time of need. That includes your stepmother who should be accepting palliative care or hospice nurses in house now to help your dad in every way possible. I hope that happens.
APS is not going to do anything because people have a right to live how they want. Someone is making sure the father gets his meds, food, and other basic needs met so he isn't being neglected.
Many people are caregivers who are not doing it gladly with a smile. They don't have a halo over their heads either. That doesn't mean they have dementia or 'cognitive decline' and are not meeting the basic needs of whoever is dependent on them.
The disrespect and smoking for sure are not new. The father has lived with this likely since the day he married his wife or very soon after. Some men like to be treated like ****. So do some women. That's their business.
Someone is taking are of the father's basic needs. It is his wife the OP's step-mother. She does not have to do this respectfully or pleasantly and also, smoking is not a crime or illegal. This woman did not start smoking in the house last week. If it's never been a problem with the father who lives with her, then it shouldn't be a problem with anyone else.
The OP couldn't handle caring for him, so really shouldn't complain too much about who does care for him.