My grandmother keeps having accidents. Talking to her feels awkward and I feel mean...what should I do?
My grandmother keeps peeing herself and trying to hide it when she comes over for visits. Once she had an accident and I had to really harass her to go have a shower, when she finally did I heard her turn on the water for the tub and turn it off after a few seconds. She came out and said she had had a shower. I tried to talk to my grandfather about it and he has said she is just being lazy...I don't agree...she was never like this before she had so much pride in herself. He has made her feel embarassed about it so she came over a few times and made it pretty obvious she was placing her coat under herself before she sat down. I don't want her to start to hate me but it hard with a new baby and having to clean up after her...messes. With that said she raised me and cleaned up my mess when I was a child so I know I owe her. But her peeing herself or doing other things in her pants and then wearing it the whole visit refusing to change is sad and not at all like her. I don't know what to do to help her. Talking to her always feels awkward, I feel mean...what should I do? Am I complaining too much? Is this normal when people get older or is this something more serious?
34 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How to deal with incontinence at night?
- How do we get an 88-year-old man with beginning dementia to wear adult diapers?
- My father sleeps all but 4 to 5 hours a day. He has Alzheimer's. Very limited mobility and is incontinent. What should my Mom and I do?
- My mom (75) suffers from chronic diarrhea and wants to wear panties over her diapers. Is it wrong to say no more panties?
But... Why would you talk to your grandfather about it, rather than your grandmother?
If your grandmother is wetting and soiling herself and making impractical attempts to prevent its being a problem, then it seems clear that she *knows* there is a problem but doesn't know what to do about it. It must be very embarrassing and worrying for her.
You don't say how old she is, but at any age fecal incontinence is unusual and serious (whereas stress incontinence leading to urine leaks, for example, is very common indeed, especially in women). How long has this been going on? Can you gently ask her whether she has seen her doctor recently, as an ice breaker?
The thing is. She could have chronic diarrhoea, she could have a uti, she could have all kinds of treatable things that are causing the problem. She could have a neurological issue that means she doesn't feel "urgency" - she doesn't realise it's happening until it's too late, that is. It could be anything! But what is certain is that a LOT can be done to help her, but not unless she tells someone about it.
So don't feel mean, show her that you're concerned - not about your furniture or about whether she showers enough, but about her health and wellbeing.
You have a baby of your own. You're not just her granddaughter any more, you're an adult woman taking an intelligent interest in your loved one's health. It *is* awkward, I agree, but remember that the less embarrassment you show, the less she'll feel. It's a practical matter with practical answers, so stick tight to that and talk to her in private.
its an embarrassing issue and her husband isn’t helping.
I don’t know what her issues are but I can tell you showering is scary once your mobility and balance aren’t great. Mine aren’t and I fell once and it took me about 1/2 an hour to get out. It sounds humorous but it was really frightening. Maybe make sure she has a shower chair etc. if she’s been hygienic her entire life, something else is up
He wasn't happy but he was way more comfortable not running around all day in wet clothes or waking up in a wet bed.
Acknowledge that it sucks, but that is what women face because of child birth, really no big deal when you get over the initial shock. Of course get her checked to make sure she is healthy and this is not a symptom of something treatable.
Tell grandfather that his behavior is ignorant and very unkind. What a clod for treating her demeaningly.
Trll her not to be embarrassed or worried, this is a common problem.
Many doctors recommend kegel exercises (in early stages) for this problem.
Tell her her how much these products helped you after the baby was born. Tell her to change them every time and not to add wads of toilet paper on top (that also makes them leak sometimes). Wads of TP will also give her a rash and they will not prolong use of the pads like she may think.
Tell her (gently) that if she doesn’t change frequently and wash, others can detect the odor.
Move the fancy upholstered items. Find alternate seating at your house so you don’t feel upset if there is a problem. Use chairs that are easy to wipe clean in areas where she may likely sit. You will miss her someday more than you miss the chair now.
It is clear she is panicked about the situation, so be gentle with her emotions.
Tell her you you love her, and this is no big deal!
Have you visited in their home and stayed for a day or two? I'd try to do that, so you can really see how she's functioning. She may put on a good show for a couple of hours, but, in the home for longer periods, you might get more of an idea how she really is functioning. I suspect that her lack of hygiene will lead to some UTI's and/or skin rashes and that it will come to the attention of her doctor. Her Healthcare POA, should report what's happening to her doctor, so he can properly diagnose her.
I wish you the best. Please post back with what you find out.
My Mom had 4 kids and had "leaking" problems since her 30s. Which worsened as she got older. It was a physical problem that could have been corrected but she was in her early 80s when it was found out and chose not to do anything.
There are lots of reasons why this could be happening. Like said a UTI. Her muscles have weakened. There are meds that can help. Also Poise pads. Depends and brands like them come in pull ups that fit like panties.
Your Grandma needs compassion.