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My grandmother keeps peeing herself and trying to hide it when she comes over for visits. Once she had an accident and I had to really harass her to go have a shower, when she finally did I heard her turn on the water for the tub and turn it off after a few seconds. She came out and said she had had a shower. I tried to talk to my grandfather about it and he has said she is just being lazy...I don't agree...she was never like this before she had so much pride in herself. He has made her feel embarassed about it so she came over a few times and made it pretty obvious she was placing her coat under herself before she sat down. I don't want her to start to hate me but it hard with a new baby and having to clean up after her...messes. With that said she raised me and cleaned up my mess when I was a child so I know I owe her. But her peeing herself or doing other things in her pants and then wearing it the whole visit refusing to change is sad and not at all like her. I don't know what to do to help her. Talking to her always feels awkward, I feel mean...what should I do? Am I complaining too much? Is this normal when people get older or is this something more serious?

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Feces stains are usually from not being able to wipe properly and not that she has lost control of her bowels (I hope). She might benefit from non-flushable, disposable wet wipes. Get them for your house so she can "test" drive them.
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Tell her EVERYONE wears them nowadays and that there are so many products to choose from she will be pleasantly surprised. Start her out with some, small sleek pads. Buy a small pack & open it up when you have the chance to talk to her in private, tell her you wanted to try them out for yourself and offer her a couple to take home.
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It's possible she is losing control over ability to hold it/leaking out even as she sits. Time to buy some pads to see if they are enough protection for the amount of leakage she has. Look for the pads that say 'overnight' on them because they are a little thicker and wider at the back. walmart equate brand has some with the 'overnight' label on the package.

You might also do a little observation duty to find out if she is just waiting too long in between bathroom trips. Pain with walking can make someone delay the trips for obvious reasons. The longer you wait, when you finally rise, out it comes. Even though there is pain, the longer you can keep someone walking and using their muscles, the better off you're going to be.

I would discourage using diapers because, in my opinion, exacerbates the lack of control issue. Ex: If I put a diaper on you, your brain would still tell you it is not ok to go to the bathroom in your pants. However, if you had a bad day and couldn't get up and relaxed your bladder and your brain to say it's ok to do it, it will not take long before your brain thinks it is a natural/normal way to use the restroom. It is very hard to reverse this once you start it. It's a pee problem right now, but would become a BM problem later on.
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She may be embarrassed, she may be showing a sign of early dementia, she may be suffering recurrent low level urinary infection which can also cause confusion. I would certainly talk to your Grandfather and tell him he should be supporting her and it could very easily be him so to stop being so unfair and unloving. Then I do like the idea of talking to her along the lines of you having the same problem since having baby. Keep some all in one briefs in the bathroom and if she has an "accident" insist she goes and changes - even if it does seem rude or unkind - you have a little one and you don't want the house in mess anyway. If she won't then tell her unfortunately in that case she will have to go home and be insistent. Too often we build problems for the future for ourselves by not addressing things early enough. Buy her some all in one briefs for keeping at home and wearing whenever she goes out so she doesn't have to worry about having an "accident".
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Take her to buy 'DEPENDS' & get some for yourself because you 'have occational issues since the birth of your child' .... there is nothing like a 'sisterhood' & with you so much younger then she will lose the 'shame' of it -

Give grandpa a smack upside his head because he until he has given birth [how many times?] then he has nothing of consequence to say - this may be your way to go - good luck
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It’s a sign of dementia. She needs a medical exam and a caregiver who makes sure she bathes and wears and changes an incontinence product as necessary.
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An unclean person wil not only hinder their own skin as they begin to get infections from not washing properly, but they cause people to not want to get near them - phew. I had to pull my own mother aside and tell her that she had an odor about her because I thought she would rather hear it from me. She was telling blatant lies about going in her pants and I do not mean peeing! Buy some adult diapers/pads and insist that SHE MUST SHOWER! Good grief - that odor will permeate throughout the house! The skin is the largest organ on the body and as such, must be kept clean!
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For goodness sake, get the woman some incontinence underwear or pads - either something like Depends, or the Tena pads. Many older women have urinary incontinence - even if they don't have dementia. The urine will leak out when they least expect it! Refer to them as "briefs" rather than Depends or diapers - and she will probably get used to the idea.

If it's bowel incontinence, then you will need the regular Depends-type underwear to contain the mess.

You probably would not let a toddler go around with underwear full of pee or poop - so why would you do this to an elderly parent?

We get pull-ups for our toddlers, so please get some for your elderly mother. It will save everyone some embarrassment.
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There's a company that makes sampler kits with pads that aren't as big and demoralizing as adult diapers. (I'm afraid I don't remember the name.) When my mother started having problems, my sister bought her one of these. I placed it in her room. Eventually she found and used some of them. My sister also found some absorbent pads for her chair, which helped. I admitted to my mother that I sometimes have a problem with incontinence. I think that helped her with the embarrasement. I developed a routine of finding her wet clothes and tossing them into the washer before leaving for work each day. My mom has since passed away. I'd give up everything I have, and put up with the inconvenience of the accidents, if I could have her back. You have my prayers.
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Time to have the "girl talk" with GM. Here's how I got Mom to wear them. I bought some and even wore a pair myself to see how comfy they were. The conversation is only awkward if you make it awkward.

Tell her you wear them when you have your period and that its the latest thing really for even younger folks. A therapeutic lie is OK here and you know if your GM will buy that or not. Get creative here...you know her better than any of us.

As you peel your waist band down a bit to reveal you indeed are wearing your new undies right now tell her "and the best thing about them; no one knows!!!

A thorough check up is in order as well. Good Luck!
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First of all, thanks for trying to help her but also face the fact that you cannot help her - she obviously is in denial and has dementia. This will only get much worse and you should not, under any circumstances, have to put up with this behavior. She may have raised you but that does not excuse what she is doing now. I see only two options: one, you get extremely "tough" with her and set down the rules and the law. Explain what she must do, and you will be there to make sure she does those things, i.e. full shower, etc. and if she does not cooperate, she cannot be with you in your home. You are now the adult, she is the child. Or, you must face the possibility she will have to be placed in a facility where she can be cared for. Do NOT feel awkward - just get tough but then tell her you love her and hug her. And don't forget to have her medically checked out for a possible problem.
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First of all the MD visit to be certain that there is not an underlying bladder infection problem. Then take a look at some of the undergarments in the aisles at drugstore. Store are actually fairly attractive. Get a box in her size and give them to her. Speak frankly as you can. This is a WOMAN to WOMAN time, and women fight this, often even YOUNG women after child birth. We will all get here, and the best way to handle it is frankly. It is awkward for sure, but so much of life is just that, so give it a try.
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If she sits on her coat and pees, the coat will either need washed or will smell. If this happens to her a lot, she will not smell it. Grandma needs to be talked to very frankly and understandingly about this issue. Doctor! Protective underwear! Immediately. Grandfather needs a talking to also. It's hard for us to do this turn around and become the adults for our aging loved ones, but we have to. You wouldn't let your child pee on people's furniture or wander around in soiled diapers, so you actually know how to be the adult. Turn what you know onto Grandma and Grandpa. I know how this feels. I too always want to be nice and keep the peace, but have had to learn to be firm.
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This could be a logistical problem as well. Does she have extra clothes available? Are there grab bars in the bathroom? Is she afraid of falling or lacking in enough energy to complete the task of washing and changing? Is added laundry an issue? I would try to see it from her perspective and make suggestions/accommodations to mitigate what could be the real issue. Also, look into products that will catch the leak effectively that can be easily be traded out without having to undress and a preemptive visit to the bathroom when she first arrives for example. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
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Perhaps your mom can talk with her mother if you are uncomfortable. If not then grandma should be told that most women develop this problem as they get older. About her bathing does she feel safe getting in a tub? Most elderly need walk in showers for safety. Get her some depends panties. We buy the Amazon basics brand (cheaper!) for mom. Grandma won’t have to worry about furniture etc anymore. Also baby wipes to clean herself when she goes to the bathroom will also help with any smell. Hope this helps.
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Visit with doctor needs to occur ASAP. Someone in the family should alert doctor in advance if the problems. It also would be good for a family member, other than her husband, to go with her to the doctor to make sure the problems are fully discussed.

Sounds like your grandparents are at a point where it is important they have powers of attorney in place so someone can legally assist them when they reach the point they can no longer make competent decisions.
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I think she is embarrassed and doesn’t want to put anybody out. Maybe don’t make a big deal out if it. Make sure she has change of pants and clean up materials. Maybe not expect her to take a full blown shower. Unless it is that kind of accident. But clean wipes or bath wipes a clean pad (underwear) pants should suffice. We have a bag for my mom that has supplies plus a change of clothes that we take along with her. They also have those quilted pads that go on a bed. You could keep it on the couch when you know she is going to visit. Again don’t scold her or make a big deal out of it. Just discreetly help her to the restroom with clean up supplies.
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Karen51 Apr 2019
I was going to say, have the pads on a couch or where she sits to protect the furniture but cover it with a blanket so she not embarrassed about having to sit on a pee pad.
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P.S., Sadly Icon Undies will not help with fecal incontinence as far as I know.
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We did finally get my Mom to start wearing Depends in her 90’s, but only if we continued talking about them as her underwear or her panties — NOT if there were any hint we thought of them as diapers. The pull-ups are now a pretty color and not too bulky. However, there is another option as well and it’s one I am using for myself at age 70. Icon Undies at www.iconundies.com makes nice underwear with a high tech combination of moisture wicking, absorbency, odor elimination, and leak prevention built into the panty. They are no bulkier than the panties we are all used to. They have two levels - one holds 6 tsp of liquid without leaking; the other holds 8 tsp. Then you wash, rinse, repeat. I suffer mostly from unexpected surges, and I find that when I wear these, I can get through a day (or night) with total confidence that I will not be embarrassing myself with urinary surprises. Here’s the downside: they are quite expensive - about $35-39 per pair. But then again, that is about the equivalent of 2-3 large bags of Depends, and you’re not adding to the landfill with these. I am building my collection up a pair or two at a time, taking advantage of sales, until I have a week’s worth and I’m almost there. They are worth budgeting for. Wish I’d known about them with Mom, but I’m really glad I know about them now for myself. If your grandmother is having surges, just gradually replace her regular underwear with Icon Undies and see if it will see her through until she gets to an incontinence level that does require Depends.
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Arleeda Apr 2019
I am 81 and so glad I discovered the Icon undies! Well worth the added expense, I now have 5 pair. But remember that you can't put those dryer sheets in when drying as that affects the absorbability.
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I think Sunnygirl is right there are some red flags here. However, incontinence is pretty common in older women, but the fact that she is not able/willing to do anything about it is a red flag.

On the physical side GM should see a Dr. This could be just a loose bladder which is very common with women who had kids. It could also be Detixitis, which can be deadly if left untreated for a long period of time. This should be address with her Dr.

I would start the conversation with that you are worry about her and that she should see her Dr and there is no shame in having a physical problem along with giving her some Depends. When speaking to her Dr you could take this opportunity to address her cognitive abilities as well. As CWillie stated "just be matter-of-fact."
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cwillie Apr 2019
Detixitis?
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There is also the chance of a uti. She can't help it and she must be embarrassed. What about depends?
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You've had some great answers already but I'll add another. Tell her about 'this great article you saw on Facebook'. About half of the older folks I know are on social media (and some of us are believing everything we read, alas) ... and the ones who aren't are still a bit impressed at how much useful info comes across your newsfeed.

The internet can undoubtedly turn up an article about how incontinence is sometimes a sign of something treatable, and often a late result of childbirth decades before, and much easier to deal with now than in the old days, etc.

Speaking as someone 72 who has suffered tiny drops in my underwear for a couple of decades, I was enormously grateful to the first person who told me (in person, and not in some TV commercial) about Poise products. And just the other day someone in a small gathering of women 65-78 mentioned incontinence ... and discovered that two of us were still having the occasional 'more than a couple of drops' embarrassment without knowing what to do about it.
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Talk to her Nicely about DEPENDS for Adults or have Gramps do it...She is now incontinent.
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SummerEvening, the situation you describe sounds so familiar. It is a warning sign when a normally well groomed person who has had good hygiene previously, starts with outrageous behavior, like urinating or defecating in inappropriate places and denying there is a problem. PRETENDING to bathe is also a red flag. Your grandfather is likely embarrassed, confused and/or in denial. but, eventually, he will have to attend to it, as if she is cognitively impaired, no amount of talking, convincing or begging her to fix the problem will help. If grandmother could do better ,she would. I wouldn't take it as her being unreasonable or defiant, but, helpless to fix it on her own.

Have you visited in their home and stayed for a day or two? I'd try to do that, so you can really see how she's functioning. She may put on a good show for a couple of hours, but, in the home for longer periods, you might get more of an idea how she really is functioning. I suspect that her lack of hygiene will lead to some UTI's and/or skin rashes and that it will come to the attention of her doctor. Her Healthcare POA, should report what's happening to her doctor, so he can properly diagnose her.

I wish you the best. Please post back with what you find out.
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Maybe you could sit down with her and assure her you understand and plan a few ways to "take care of business." Have her leave a change of clothes at your house so that if something happens, she can have clean garments to wear. You might even suggest she keep a change in her car. Maybe if she tries a couple of the newer underwear-like products, she'll appreciate their convenience and they can be delivered right to her house if she is embarrassed to purchase them. My mom keeps an extra Depends in her purse for emergencies and uses feminine or baby wipes for clean ups. She also wears dark colored pants (navy, black, brown) so that if she does have an accident, it won't be so obvious. Maybe investing in a package of disposable chux pads to put on chairs or in her bed would help her feel better about sitting or lying down without worry that she might damage furniture or linens. As long as she understands that your concern for her health, comfort and dignity are the reason for you discussing her incontinence issues with her, I'd bet she'll be receptive.
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I had to explain to my dad that I know it is embarrassing to wear adult briefs for incontinence, but it would be and is more embarrassing to actually have wet britches. I told him it was very common and no one would even know he didn't have regular underwear on.

He wasn't happy but he was way more comfortable not running around all day in wet clothes or waking up in a wet bed.

Acknowledge that it sucks, but that is what women face because of child birth, really no big deal when you get over the initial shock. Of course get her checked to make sure she is healthy and this is not a symptom of something treatable.

Tell grandfather that his behavior is ignorant and very unkind. What a clod for treating her demeaningly.
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Where are her children? Maybe coming from a daughter/DIL instead of a granddaugher would be better. And you need to slap that husband. How disrespectful from a person 1/3 her age.

My Mom had 4 kids and had "leaking" problems since her 30s. Which worsened as she got older. It was a physical problem that could have been corrected but she was in her early 80s when it was found out and chose not to do anything.

There are lots of reasons why this could be happening. Like said a UTI. Her muscles have weakened. There are meds that can help. Also Poise pads. Depends and brands like them come in pull ups that fit like panties.

Your Grandma needs compassion.
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My mother was having a new problem with incontinence after surgery. She was mortified and was thrilled with the panty like products. They aren’t like diapers. If she’s trying to cover it up she realizes it’s a problem. I’d get her a few of “a great new product “ you just saw “ to try” , give her them discreetly along with a hug, “ in case she ever wants to try them” .
its an embarrassing issue and her husband isn’t helping.
I don’t know what her issues are but I can tell you showering is scary once your mobility and balance aren’t great. Mine aren’t and I fell once and it took me about 1/2 an hour to get out. It sounds humorous but it was really frightening. Maybe make sure she has a shower chair etc. if she’s been hygienic her entire life, something else is up
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I am having this same issue with my mom. She has increasingly had more incidents of incontinence over the past 1 1/2 years.. She also refuses to wear pads or adult pants. Her laundry has doubled and she had a couple accidents sitting up in bed. I have just been persistent in letting her know it's not unusual and it's time to wear protection. Last night was a win, she willing wore some adult diaper to bed. But it's been an up hill battle all the way.
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Treat all this as much like “pampering” as you can. Accompany the products with a small bottle of her favorite perfume or lotion.

Trll her not to be embarrassed or worried, this is a common problem.

Many doctors recommend kegel exercises (in early stages) for this problem.

Tell her her how much these products helped you after the baby was born. Tell her to change them every time and not to add wads of toilet paper on top (that also makes them leak sometimes). Wads of TP will also give her a rash and they will not prolong use of the pads like she may think.

Tell her (gently) that if she doesn’t change frequently and wash, others can detect the odor.

Move the fancy upholstered items. Find alternate seating at your house so you don’t feel upset if there is a problem. Use chairs that are easy to wipe clean in areas where she may likely sit. You will miss her someday more than you miss the chair now.

It is clear she is panicked about the situation, so be gentle with her emotions.

Tell her you you love her, and this is no big deal!
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