My husband and my sister in law are actively trying to make me a caregiver for my 88 years old father in law who just got out from a hospital. We have been married only for 6 months. Prior to this I didn’t get along with my father in law because I didn’t like his misogynistic attitude. I always had them over for dinner every Sunday I cook most of the time but when my husband helped me set the table he would tell him to let me do it because “it’s a wife’s job.” When I wore miniskirt during summer he made me feel very uncomfortable. Those are only a few examples. I don’t want him around.
I stay at home. But I am financially independent because my parents are relatively wealthy. I am 37 years old. We plan to have a baby very soon but I don’t think that is even possible because I don’t see taking care of a newborn and an elderly at the same time.
My husband feels that I should want/willing to do this because he is my father in law.
Anything I can do besides divorcing my husband? My husband talked with his dad about assisted living but it didn’t go well.
Thanks!
Facts:
1. You've only been married a short time but already your husband, SIL and Fil's actions and attitudes are problematic, and your FIL is displaying what I'd consider actively chauvinistic attitudes (a woman's job to set the table).
2. Your husband is already treating you in a condescending and dictatorial manner.
3. You're apparently expected to care for someone you dislike, another mysogynist?
At this point I would ask: is there anything about this family that you like? Are you seriously in love with your husband enough to tolerate his interfering family, who don't seem to respect you?
4. You have independent finances; have you ever considered (and I don't mean this in an insulting way) that you might have been married for your money, and/or for your caregiving ability?
5. If you had a child, tried to balance the care of a child who should be more important than an FIL, and eventually decided to divorce your husband, do his assets even approach the level of yours? Does he have a secure job? Would he fight you for custody?
I don't wish to be negative, but I could see being tricked into caring for FIL, then a baby arrives, friction continues in the family, a divorce initiated by your husband, and your ending up paying him child support if he ends up caring for his father full time and includes a plea for custody of the child in divorce papers.
At one point in my legal career I did divorce work, disliked it and haven't done it since, so I can't opine realistically on what different scenarios exist today. But I do recall that if one party's assets were greater than the others, that richer party could be ordered to pay financial assistance for the poorer party. Your husband could become poor very quickly if he quits work to care for his father.
I think the question you have to ask yourself is how much you really love your husband, especially given the lack of respect he's shown you.
I would also ask why you care, or think they would respect you given the treatment they've displayed?
Again, I'm not trying to hurt you, or crush your self esteem, but I see a real need for a frank assessment of what YOU will be getting out of this marriage and potential Cinderella situation.
Others who have been in a similar situation have been advised to take some time out, away from the family, and seriously analyze the situation, what it is, what you want it to be, and what you want to do in your life. If it doesn't include caring for your FIL, and your husband won't back off, you may have to make a big decision fairly quickly.
During your visit you might want to have a few discussions with your husband some of the things that maybe should have been talked about previously.
If your husband does not accept and respect your point of view I do not see much of a future.
It is not "My father in law doesn’t want to consider any assisted living facilities. We don’t know how to make him change his mind." getting him to change his mind. It is telling him loud and clearly that living with you is not an option, period.
And this is a discussion for your hubs and SIL to have with Dad.
You just need to make it very clear that you are not living under the same roof as FIL and you are not going to run yourself ragged providing any supports to him wherever he lives.
I am very sorry about your miscarriage just as all this set off. That makes it even harder for you. You need time to grieve your loss.
In my culture there is a lot pressure on women to the be the caregiver for elderly parents, but in the long run it can cause a lot of anger and resentment.
It's unfair of your husband and sister-in-law to ask you to be the caregiver. And especially since your father-in-law makes you uncomfortable. It's not right. There are other options and your husband and his sister will have to look at them.
Make them read the many threads here at Aging Care about the challenges of caregiving and help them see the truth.
The fact that your FIL and husband's discussion about assisted living didn't go well is not your problem. There is a point at which long-term assistance is necessary, and you are not qualified to do what he needs.
You don't owe your FIL care -- his children do. Remind them that it's their job to see to it that he's safe and cared for, but it is not your job to do those tasks. Remind your husband that a marriage is a partnership in which both sides must agree to major life decisions, and the one who does not agree prevails. I'd also suggest not having any children until you really see how your husband handles this challenge, because it will be exactly how he handles the challenges of child-rearing.
I am curious why you think that his wishes supercede mine? Perhaps we should have discussed these scenarios before we said I do, because quite frankly I am feeling very much like I don't. I don't want to care for YOUR dad. I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not being willing to be his caregiver. I don't want to be in a relationship with a male that would let his sister dictate what I will or will not do and I don't want to have children with a male that would put anyone above me and our children.
Your dad is not moving in to our home and I truly hope that you can understand that and it doesn't end our marriage.
I love you but, I didn't marry your dad and I am not going to be put in the position of being his servant.
As hard as it would be to lose your new husband, it would be nothing compared to having a man that believes you are there to serve him living in your home until he dies.
Your new family is completely out of line and your new husband is being completely unfair, he should be telling his sister to step up and take care of their dad.
Best of luck, this is a rotten situation to find yourself in 6 months in to your marriage vows.
And your husband "feels that I should want/willing to do this because he is my father in law."!? The only answer to that is" "I feel that you should want/willing to do this because he's your father."
You don't mention what issue your FIL has. Does he require care, part-time, full-time? No matter what, unless your FIL has mental issue that prevent him from figuring this out himself, it's his responsibility to figure it out.
If your FIL has issues where he needs help, the only I recommend is assisting your hubby and SIL to find a caregiver for him in his own home or apartment.
Stick to your guns to say no. And until this gets resolved, I encourage you not to get pregnant. Getting FIL's issue sorted out may take a lot of your time and energy. I hope it doesn't come to you moving out.
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