my mom is supposed to move to the states sometime soon and my husband finally told me that he doesn’t want my mom to move in with us and he doesn’t want her to stay with us for more than a year. Growing up my mom wasn’t a bad mom but could be manipulative at times and she was harsh and restrictive to me as a girl. She controlled my life till I was 23 years old and moved to the state. Even before I get married she would tell me that I can’t have a boyfriend unless I marry him in less than a year and can’t live with him ( my mom is Muslim and religious). Now I have been married for 5 years ( we’re both 30) and my husband says he doesn’t want my mom to live with us from now .. he says we are at the beginning of our lives and I want to build my life without having to pay for your mom ( she won’t have any income or incoming money and she is 65 with back issues and arthritis, diabetes,.. and she won’t qualify for any benefits as she is going to be a new resident ) he is worried that this will take a toll on our relationship as he won’t feel comfortable in his own house. I don’t know what to do.. or how to tell my mom. I don’t want to lose my relationship. Any advice?
And that's a big WIN! Are you still uncertain about what you are going to do (or not do)?
Past life can give you good memories, without the problems that were there at the time - for yourself as well as for others. In the present, you live your own life as best you can. There is no future if you are chained to the past.
That's a tough one. The bottom line is don't do it. It would be toxic for your family. Once she is in she will stay more than a year.
If you do it, you will regret it.
Be strong and tell her that you cannot do it.
It is an unpleasant task but you only need to do it once.
If she lives with you, the unpleasantness for each family member will last as long as she lives in your house. It could easily end your marriage.
If you’re in California, a community property state, you won’t necessarily get half of hubs earnings, nor does it sound like he’s empathetic to doing that to subsidize her.
Its kinda a crappy position that brother now is the only on site for mom. If you and h feel it, you might consider Western Unioning her some funds.
You bringing her to the US, she can brag to everyone and be proud.
Not having any kids taking her in means she is abandoned. That's too shameful.
How will she show her face to anyone?
What will she say when her friends or some relatives tell her their children from the US are going to bring them there, and do this, and buy that for them, etc.?
Cultural expectations. Let me know if I am off base on my guess.
"Not having any kids taking her in means she is abandoned. That's too shameful.
How will she show her face to anyone?"
Its all about showing face for her. I think that's why she hates my grey hair. It shames HER to her friends.
Submit to deeply helded cultural expectations and obeying your parent which will ruin your marriage. Or
Keep your marriage intact which will disappoint your parent and possibly be disowned.
Is there a middle ground?
Can you stall them? Tell mom and brother that you will sponsor them when you make enough money in a few years. Or
Send them money periodically to help make their lives more comfortable which will keep them content to stay in Iran.
No easy answers. One thing I recommend is that you have a heart to heart conversation with your husband so he really understands your problem, and work with you as a team to come up with whatever solution you both think is best.
You are a free person here. If you bring these two over they will demand your servitude to them for the rest of your life. Cultural or not, is that how you want to live the rest of your life? I'm assuming that if you enjoyed this lifestyle you would have stayed in your home country.
Do you know how to hang up a phone? For God's sake, your family is all the way in Iran. So whatever hurtful comments, threats, or insults they might say to you can easily be avoided by not taking their calls. Or by hanging up the phone.
The cultural nonsense of you being the one your family "allowed" to come to the U.S. because you'll bring them all over here has to stop. You're an American woman now. You don't need anyone's permission or approval to live your life and do or not do anything.
Tell your mother and brother that you will not be sponsoring them because you are not in a position to financially support them (your mother likely for life) and that you cannot risk your income and your husband's. Also, you can tell them that you're going to give the American taxpayer a break too. We're not going to have to support your mother for life and probably your brother for a long time.
You came to America, got married and made a life for yourself. If you wanted a life of servitude under your family's thumb, you would have stayed in Iran. You didn't though.
Time to grow a backbone and tell mother and brother that you cannot sponsor them to come here. If they want to be like brat children about it and disown you, that's on them not you. Your marriage is more important than your mother and brother. If bringing them here is going to cause problems with your husband, don't bring them here.