He’s only had one episode of incontinence. My problem now is aggressive outbursts, telling me to get out, swearing banging his walker against walls, talking to himself mostly saying disparaging comments about me. Very upsetting and wears me down . Any suggestions on how to handle it?
Have you considered placing him in a nursing home?
If you want to continue his care at home, some tips:
Keep a consistent routine, one that is comfortable to him. Ask his doctor about medications to calm his behavior outbursts. And, if he becomes a danger to you,
he needs to be placed in a facility that can care for him.
Don't argue or try to reason with him. His brain is not processing information clearly, and he will not understand.
The incontinence will likely progress. Be prepared in advance by having some pull ups ( like depends) on hand for him to wear as underwear.
The pull up style pants are better for leaks than for full incontinence - they don't hold much liquid.
I like the diapers with stretch tabs, because I get a better fit. Walgreens and Walmart carry their own label - assurance and certainty, which are reasonably priced and work pretty well. My favorite are the Tena super stretch briefs - very absorbent, but they are a little bulky between the legs.
Good luck with this new development. It is so hard watching our loved ones decline - especially when we can no longer reason with them. My husband no longer recognizes me as his wife. It makes me so sad because we were so close and he was a very loving and kind man. I miss that grin and twinkle in his eye.
Now, I'm just the person who wipes his behind and helps him out of bed and feeds him. I'm just happy I still get to spend every day with him.
I never promised my husband (diagnosed with dementia in 2017) that I wouldn't place in memory care, I only answered that I would do what was best for both of us. He died before I had to make that decision, but it was getting close. The incontinence was more frequent, the anger and hostility were increasing, his animosity toward me was off the charts. I realized a week after he died that I no longer had bruises on my forearms. I was not even aware that he was causing them, I was just that used to being mistreated. I tell people since he passed away last month that I have "grief with relief." What I don't say is that there is a whole lot more relief than grief. The man I married died many years before his diagnosis. I finally feel alive again, but didn't realize how dead I was.
All that to encourage you to consider taking steps now to get both of you the help you need. It sounds like your husband needs to be in a place where others are caring for him and it sounds like you need this weight lifted off of your shoulders.
Your post reminded me of the great JeanneGibbs. She took care of her husband Coy for many years and she had much wisdom to share as do you.
“Grief with Relief” is what many of us are ready for.
When incontinence and aggressiveness rolls around.... that is when many choose to place their family member into a facility, because it becomes overwhelming to attempt to manage 24/7 by yourself and sometimes becomes unsafe.
You are entering now later stages in which the incontinence for certain will become much more prevalent. The outburst may as well, and he may require medication. When you enter pill-land-ia there are the problems of side effects, too much sleepiness, more frequent falls and etc.
The sad truth is that you already KNOW more tricks than all of us put together after giving nine years of care. If they aren't working I think you may understand that the time may be coming when you cannot no longer manage at home giving care that really requires several shifts with several people on each to do the care.
I am so very sorry.
I don't have any answers but let me know if you find some? It's only been a little less than 2 years of me dealing with my husband cognitive issues, moods and his incontinence . Telling me I have a boyfriend and giving away all his things and money to this imaginary person. Im totally drained and at my wits end on what to do. I don't get much sleep because when he is sleeping is my only quiet time to myself and I use that time to cry and worry. Typically from 3am-6am. His stroke neurologist won't give him mood stabilizer meds because it will be harmful for his kidney transplant
Also, do you have a helper who comes in sometimes so that you can get a break? This is really important for your own mental health, to be able to get of the house on your own for a bit.
good luck!