My husband knows he has dementia but expects me to never be affected by any of the difficulties. He says nasty comments if he hears my voice change, even if I have been patient for so long prior. He comes up with "solutions" for destructive behavior, even though it's the same solution that has failed 1,000 times before. He just calls me a b#tch and a liar when I tell him, for example, that he has broken something many times before and needs to do something a different way now. Signs to come get me don't work. I adapt to so much (!), but I don't know how to not get upset when he does something destructive again and refuses anything but his own crazy impossible "solutions."
My husband has mid-stage dementia-he knows he has dementia.
I think people with dementia know it in the early stages but aren't really aware of HOW BAD it is in the middle stages. My mother "knew" of the Alzheimer's diagnosis at stage 3 but was in denial 2 years later that she had "progressed" to late stage 5. They recognize the slight confusion in the beginning but still have enough cognitive ability where it doesn't affect them much. They aren't aware, as they spiral downward in the disease, that their thinking abilities are severely compromised. Your husband probably thinks he reasons just as well as he used to but knows there is "something wrong" and lashes out at you from frustration. Denial can be a very powerful feeling at this point.
As others have said, he's not in control of being nasty to you. However, I sympathize because my mother has said hateful, hurtful things to me that cuts to the bone. It's HARD not to connect your relationship with the person to their mouth anymore.
I had to place my mom due to my physical and emotional limitations of caring for her. I could only emotionally handle visiting her once a week until she progressed to stage 6. Mid-stage (4-5 Alzheimer's) was the absolute worst time of her disease so far (she's end stage 6 now).
Please don't feel bad if you blow it and occasionally scream or stomp out. You get frustrated like we all do. You are hurt by words and actions coming from a loved one who now doesn't have reasoning abilities. We are only human and we all have breaking points.
If he's breaking things, I would do as we would for a toddler-put the things away or get rid of them. He CAN'T help what he's doing. You need to have NO expectations of his behavior. It's not worth the frustration. Unfortunately, his disease will only get worse. You may want to check out options to prepare for his future.
I'm sorry you're having this problem. Come back for support. We've been in your shoes.
Was he like this before? Whether he was or just became like this due to his dementia, it doesn't make it any easier to live with.
With my mom, I tried posting signs to remind her of things. Nope, the signs didn't work. She would rip them off and come asking me the same stupid questions again. That made me even madder than I'd be before the signs.
Now, I try my best to just let her comments and questions roll of my back. I just answer yes and agree with her. Whether her comments are right or wrong, I just nod. That's easier than correcting her which will for sure be a cause for her tantrum.
About your husband breaking things, I don't know what to suggest other than removing those things you don't want him to break and hide them from him. What are those BTW?
You need to pre-empt the situation, as far as possible, so that it is no longer necessary for him to do whatever he is doing. Failing that, you need to disable or remove out of sight the items he is wrecking and give him alternative occupations, or distractions.
Expecting him to follow the rational thought process "I have dementia, I must remember to call my wife for assistance with this" is completely unreasonable. He is not able to do this. You will feel better if you stop hoping that he will.
Signs rarely work. If someone with dementia doesn't understand verbal cues they won't understand a sign. Verbal cues come with facial expressions and tone of voice and if verbal cues don't always work a sign, even a big sign written in a Sharpie, won't be an effective prompt.
He can't help it. This is not your husband who is acting like a jerk. This is your husband whose brain is diseased and it affects everything he does. He's not trying to irritate or frustrate you just like you're not trying to irritate or frustrate him. It's the dementia.