My husband was just diagnosed with early-stage dementia. How do I get him to start discussing our finances with me?

Lots of good advice here, one thing I would add is your approach may make a big difference here. This is a scary diagnosis for anyone, patient and spouse but I imagine for life time military the fear of loss of control might be even worse and remember to take into account that he just got this diagnosis too and new concepts in general but especially big life altering ones can take time to sink in and digest. I would make your own list of the things you feel need to be put in order for yourself and then address them one at a time with him in a clam mater of fact manner. “I know you like to have things in order as much as I do so I was thinking we should probably make sure …” if the control/access thing is that difficult for him perhaps ask him to make a list of the accounts and access in case you need it in the future or present it as removed a bit from his diagnosis, “the last few weeks have made me think about the sudden things that could happen to either of us, I wouldn’t know where to look if you had an accident or major medical event and we’re unable to take care of our finances and you wouldn’t know … if something happened to me, how do you think we should share this info?” “I was thinking we should both go see an estate attorney to make sure we haven’t forgotten to take care of anything in case something happens to one of us”. Try not to throw everything all the big stuff at him at once and remember something that doesn’t seem as big to you may be a bigger or harder concept to him, let him guide you while you gently steer. I can say with my mom, who has been constantly inconsistent in her attempts to organize all her life so far from military discipline, we have learned that it can sometimes take days or even a week for her to digest a difficult subject but more often than not when given the time she will actually bring it up once ready to address it again and you can tell she has been thinking about it a lot. Meeting her where she is and then steering her back is time consuming but a far better way for all of us to talk about these things when we can take the time. Also of course there are good days and really bad days to have these discussions. Don’t let your current panic dictate how this goes because it is likely to create problems, instead try to keep the emotion down which is why I was thinking a list prioritizing topics might help.

This is a journey and each journey is different but there can be wonderful times during it, don’t miss those by getting bogged down by the less wonderful parts.

Jakki, just FYI as the FPoA of my mother's affairs I had to have her on speakerphone with representatives of some of her investments in addition to sending them copies of my FPoA paperwork in order for them to allow me to represent her. TDAmeriTrade and AXA for sure. If your hubs has been doing all his own investing, it might be a good idea for him to help find a good financial planner to transition to who will help you interpret and give guidance on your investments in the future.

GREAT news Jakki!!! So glad you now have access to all the accounts! What a load off of your mind, huh? :)

Jakki; I'm so glad that you're making progress!

Please let us know how this goes. We learn from each other here.

(((((hugs)))))))

IS there any way you can get online to see statements and the like? Maybe you will get luck and the passwords will autofill. I agree see if you can get an apt with a finacial advisor if you have one.. and don;t stop trying to get this information until it is too late. Worst case, make a list of everywhere he has accounts ( check the mail, the computer, anything you can) so that you can at least find them if he has to be declared incompetent and you get POA or guardianship. My hubs Uncle had accounts all over the county, and hubs parents had a heck of a time finding everything!

If he's already 'very paranoid about the finances' then his dementia may not be as 'early' or as 'mild' as you think! Intelligence has nothing at all to do with who gets dementia. I worked in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility which was filled with engineers, doctors, high profile lawyers, dentists, scientists and professors. Dementia is an equal opportunity disease; it knows no financial, educational or military service pedigrees: it afflicts everyone the same, regardless. Sad but true. I've never heard anyone say, Gee, my mother was as dumb as a stump and is now diagnosed with Alzheimer's! I say this to you for one reason only: don't underestimate what a dementia diagnosis means. It means that you have to HURRY UP and get these finances straightened out before it's too late! Don't confuse DHs 'intelligence' with his disease and think it'll all work out somehow, or that he will still be capable of managing things! It won't and he won't, not without you driving the bus over to the Elder Care attorney's office and getting that ball rolling.

A coin collection can be sold off at any time; that's not a pressing matter. An accurate appraisal of the collection IS an important thing, however, so don't go rushing into some random coin shop and selling it off willy-nilly!

Do you have a financial planner who's been managing all these stocks, bonds, mutual funds & IRAs, or has DH been doing all of it on his own? If he's been managing these investments online, then he has passwords that you need access to. It's time to sit down with him & have a frank discussion about how you need to be let in on his 'secrets' about the finances, ALL of them. My father was the only one privy to the financial info in our household b/c my mother kept her head buried in the sand; she didn't even pay a bill or write a check, so when it came down to the nitty gritty, it was ME who had to take over everything! She had no idea what to do with anything anyway. Are you capable of taking over the finances, should he allow you to? That's a fair question to ask. If the answer is No, then you need to get a financial advisor on board to help you; get all the finances set up in one place with one person overseeing them FOR you; otherwise, you'll be in over your head, like my mother would have been w/o me. I liquidated their holdings and got set up with Ameriprise where all the assets were in one place, and from there, I was able to manage all the finances. Yes, there is a fee for such a service, but to me it's well worth it b/c I would not be able to do it all alone on my own! The Elder Care attorney can also advise you on such matters. I get the feeling that you've been kept in the dark about your finances too, like my mother was, and you'll be floundering around yourself, which is a scary prospect to face. Especially if he gives you flack as many old-school men would do. The little lady stays in the kitchen and the man handles the money matters. Until the big strong man gets dementia and then everything blows up like a bomb. Sigh.

Do you have children who could also advocate for you and help you, like I did for my folks?

Please make an appointment right away with a Certified Elder Care Attorney to get ALL of these issues addressed; the POA, possible guardianship, the letters Alva mentioned, the finances, wills, all of it. You need guidance and with God's help, no pushback from DH on any of this. Stubborn agitated behavior is nothing unusual when dementia is involved, so I sincerely hope DH is on board with being open and forthcoming with you.

Best of luck with all you have on your plate. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for strength.

The coins, you better find a very honest dealer so you get what they are worth. One coin can be worth more than his whole collection.

My BIL was 20 yr Military and his wife handled the money. Has ur husband always been controlling when it came to money or now paranoid because of the Dementia? Money seems to be a big thing to those who suffer from Dementia.

You must have a financial adviser. Is your name on everything or just as beneficiary. If you are joint on the accts then the adviser can talk to you. If you don't have POA you need to get it while ur husband understands what it means. Make sure its immediate since he already has a diagnosis. That way you don't need a doctor saying he is incompetent to make the POA effective. Once you have that an adviser can talk to you. You have a very good reason for needing to know what assets you have.

It doesn't matter how intelligent you are, Dementia effects everyone who suffers from it the same way. There will be a point you may not be able to care for him. This worries my husband but he is 5' 10" to my 5'. I had problems with my Mom and we weighed the same. DH weighs 200lbs.

The best, free and most unbiased financial advice you can get is at www.bogleheads.org.

I think you should sign up there and start reading. It will clarify lots for you and you can ask questions...no one will excoriate you.

Are you two speaking at ALL about this and what it means?
Did his doctor explain to him what it means and were you present?
Why do you have to liquidate coins when you have no idea what you have or how it is held?
You need to see an elder law attorney now. You will need two letters regarding your husband's diagnosis of dementia. You may need to apply for guardianship. At that point this is going to be a question of keeping your eyes open, on where the credit cards on, on statement, on accounts, and I am praying this is not online.
Is your husband aware of his diagnosis? Have you ever before handled finances? Do you understand anything about your current finances. Have you made wills? Do those wills include DOPA often called Spring POA.
You honestly need a lot of help here, so is there a sister or brother for advice?Any children? Close friends? Faith based community to help you speak with your husband if you cannot do this alone?
I think you have good reason to be very worried. Collect all the information you can including passwords for account when your hubby is away or out of the house if he will not speak with you; you may need to sleuth. It is time to get your name added on the bills if this isn't already done.
I am so sorry. This shows how much "too late" it can become when these issues aren't addressed early on.
I would start with getting an hour of time with Elder Law Attorney to say "I am here because I need to know what I don't know and need to know."
I wish you the best.

You go with him to a qualified eldercare attorney (whom you've prepped before the visit) and make it all about HIS wishes.

Look, if you have been married for any amount of time and you are not equal partners in managing the retirement accounts, then you've got an issue that pre-dates his dementia.

My husband and I are in a second marriage (nearly 20 years) and while we have entirely separate finances, I tell him about everything I'm doing in terms of asset allocation, Roth conversions and planning when to take SS.

If this hasn't been the way things have rolled in the past, can you pinpoint why?

What do you mean he is "paranoid" about the finances...? Do you mean he is paranoid about YOU having access to them because...why? Is the paranoia part of his dementia, PTSD, or mental illness? If he loves you he won't want to leave you destitute or struggling to manage. My FIL set up a Living Trust for himself and his 2nd wife. You do this through an elder law attorney. This will provide protections for the both of you. It will cost money to create but is well worth it since together you will both be doing a lot of planning and decision-making while you still can and have agreement, along with the attorny, who will be an objective voice. Just a thought. He will need to assign someone as his DPoA so his affairs can be managed seamlessly and legally. He needs to create an Advance Healthcare Directive (Living Will) so his wishes are expressed and followed, a Trust would take care of most inheritance issues. I wish you much success in helping him see the importance of working on these things soon.

Are you the only wife he has had? Are there children?