I just moved my daughter to college and brought grandma along. Her super annoying behavior ruined what should have been a special time for my daughter and me. My daughter and I are just barely on the autism spectrum and we like silence and listening to music. My mom can’t stand silence or sitting still. Yesterday I asked her three times to stop making jokes by very KINDLY saying, “I think I’m in too serious a mood for any more jokes today." I’m sorry! I take all of the jokes seriously and try to figure them out literally and it makes my brain really tired. She laughed the first two times as though I was making a silly joke, then the third time said she would try. She also will not stop making suggestions when we are shopping for things. She brings us things my daughter does not want or need then tries to suggest why the rejected thing would work. I’ve pulled her aside and said things like “grand daughter is stressed out right now, let’s give her some space and let her look around on her own.” Or I send her if to find something on the other side of the store. WHY did I invite her on this trip?! Granddaughter is decorating her room and my mom will not stop giving decorating suggestions and tips. Grand daughter is on a zoom call and we need to be quiet. My mom will not stop whispering stupid things to me and I keep saying, What? I can’t hear you. Let’s just eat quietly until her zoom session is over," but she keeps whispering things to me such as observations in the room, something outside the window, my food is really yummy, how about yours? Mmmm this is so good! I knew she would be like this but I want to treat her the way I’d like to be treated when I’m her age. I can’t stand to travel with her. She is ridiculously overly helpful telling me things I either already know, I don’t care about, or I can easily figure out on my own. She gets her feelings hurt when I tell her yes, I know there’s a hair dryer in the bathroom and I could use it to dry my hair, I am storing all my toiletries beside it. Yes, I know that my leftovers are in the fridge and I can eat them if I’m hungry. Yes, I know that the light switch is on the wall in the bathroom, yes I know that there’s a grocery store 1 block away. No, grandchild said she does NOT want a picture for her wall, stop looking for one. No, I do not need a pillow for my back which is on the couch beside me which I would pick up and use if I wanted it. She just can not stop talking and suggesting and joking.
I don’t want her to feel left out and she is recently retired, but still works a few days a week. She lives by herself and constantly talks to herself. She talks to me while I’m leaving a room so I have to go back and ask what she said and 99% of the time it was something stupid or a little joke. It’s so frustrating.
I guess I need to stop feeling guilty and trying to include her. My daughter is resentful that grandma is here, and I’m spending time taking care of both of them instead of focusing on my daughter and enjoying myself a little.
It was very nice of you to invite your mother to participate in sending your daughter off to college. Dorm room shopping is fun and it is easy to just gush about everything. So much good stuff! However, my dorm room concept was very different than my child's concept. (Ha!). Don't do it again. No parent weekends, no future moves and possibly no graduation ceremony unless there is a change in behavior. It sounds mean and horrible but it isn't if you are unhappy and "just the way things are" doesn't work anymore. Your daughter needs to be your focus not Gma's behavior. It sounds like this scenario happens a lot. You could lose your child's love if your not careful. My relationship with my child improved when I started setting boundaries and separateness with my parents.
I, for one, totally understand. I have relatives like this and the constant talking and suggesting can make my brain implode. I love them to death, but can only tolerate so much. I don't think you're being fussy or selfish.
By now you know that bringing her with you and daughter for college was a bad idea. Mom sounds like she has adult ADHD, but she thinks she is perfectly fine how she is. It's fine to include her, but do it only for short doses. Like having lunch somewhere for an hour. Definitely no more road trips or overnight stays!
You were expecting a bonding time with all three of you. Mom, however, is Mom. She is not capable of adjusting to your level of quietude. No matter the occasion or circumstance, she will be chattering.
Mom may like to exercise some control over you and your daughter. The only way she knows how to do this is acting like you need her. It's why she tells you inane things like a hair dryer being in the bathroom. Or why she took it upon herself to buy things for daughter's dorm. If you don't need her and granddaughter doesn't need her and her job barely needs her... then what does she do now?
As for the jokes? For one, she hates silence. Chatter may keep her from thinking about any problems in her life. She may indeed be lonely. Talking to you (and herself) fills the void. And it gets her attention, like when you have to ask her to repeat what she said. Forces you to engage.
I have no idea how to deal with the noise. Can try to tune out the whispering, at least? Or just throw in a "mm hmm" here and there, like adults do with kids.
I'll bet your mother has always been the way she is, and you've always been how you are. Everyone's nervous and excited about your daughter going off to college, and your mom is trying to keep things upbeat and positive. You're stressed and facing a kid leaving the nest. Neither is an inappropriate response, so get over it.
I'm going to assume that you're an adult if you have a child off in college. So as an adult you can CHOOSE how "seriously" you take your mother's jokes.
If the worst of your problems with your mom is that she's a positive senior citizen who doesn't complain continually, who tries to be friendly and lively by telling jokes, who wants to help all the time, and who tries to buy things that she thinks her daughter and granddaughter will like, then you're pretty lucky.
Oh! The HUMANITY!
Poor you and your daughter that this is what you have to put up with! Have you read any of the posts from the people on this forum?
You do know that you didn't have to take your mother with you to move your daughter into college.
Please, don't insult the many people out there who actually do have autism, by using the "spectrum" as an excuse for your own fussy and persnickety behavior.
What both you and your daughter would likely benefit most greatly from is a good swift kick in the a$$. You should be grateful for the kind of mother you have. Instead of the abusive, dysfunctional ones so many like myself have.
Recognize things for what they are and accept it. That'll make your life a whole lot easier in the long run. Look after yourself and DD and take mom to lunch in your home town once in awhile, so you can leave when the irritating behavior ramps up.
Has she had a recent audiological evaluation done by a formally trained audiologist?
Is she wearing hearing aids or amplifying devices?
If she has insurance that covers an audiological exam, see if you can encourage her to get it done. If a loss is identified find out if she’ll qualify for help after the new regs go into effect for hearing aid purchases.
The difference can be really amazing. It would be tragic if her problem(s) could be fixed and instead she was being isolated by her social incompetence.
I’m much older than she is, and I hope if I’m acting annoying around my kids and grands that they’d look for a fixable reason for my annoying behavior and try to get me help with fixing it.
Don’t feel guilty. Your feelings are totally understandable. Just take a look at a possible way to help.
She didn't have to take her mother to move the daughter into college.
For some reason people don't grasp the concept of not taking every phone call or jumping to fulfill for every demand.
If a person feels some guilt about saying no to someone, they just have to deal with it. Feeling guilt is a choice. People choose to feel guilty especially when it comes to our elderly parents and family. I don't. If I'm starting to feel guilty about something (I did since I was a little kid), I really think about it and ask myself one question:
Did I do anything wrong that I should feel guilty for?
If the answer is 'no' then I don't allow myself to have guilt.
I hope you don't plan on moving her in with you when she needs help, or vice versa. Just think having to be around her personality 24/7!