My mom lives in northern Illinois. I live in Florida and have a very happy life with my significant other of 30 years.
Mom is the primary caregiver for her husband, who has been diagnosed with dementia. She and her husband both have diabetes, and my mom’s is not well controlled.
Recently, mom fell and broke her ankle, requiring surgery. I flew in and stayed with them for a week, and my younger brother drive in from 2 hours away and stayed with them. My older brother lives 15 minutes from them, but is too busy and unwilling to check in on them.
three weeks after the surgery, mom became quite ill, but refused to call her doctor, resulting in a trip to the hospital in Thanksgiving (my older brother refused to take her and argued with her when she called him for help saying “you need to call 911. I am not taking you.”
things are complicated because mom’s husband cannot really stay home alone. He has a daughter who lives nearby and she has helped tremendously.
this has brought several issues to the surface. When I suggest caregiver support, my mom gives a resounding “no.” When I beg her to call her doctor, it’s another “no.” She feels that all support should come from us kids.
I am certain that she also feels I am her ultimate plan. She brought my grandmother to live with us, and she seems to feel I should do the same. I watched her relationship with my grandmother deteriorate, and watched every romantic relationship my mom had fall apart. She was so unhappy.
Yet I overheard her talking to a friend while I was there, and both said “you just can’t expect the same level of care from the boys.”
basically, she expects me to be her 24/7 caregiver at some point, because that is what she did, and I am the girl.
Everyone I have asked about this has said that moving her in with me is a bad idea. How do I have that conversation without hurting her? How do I convince her that I love her and I am here to help, but I do not want give up my life the way she did? Admittedly, we have grown apart in recent years, but I do love her and want to be sure she is taken care of. How do I reconcile the fact that she expects this of me automatically because I am the daughter?
I feel incredibly scared, sad and guilty about these feelings. I do not know what to do.
She made this plan. Her husband who needs care lives in Illinois as she does. If she did not think about what the next steps were when he began to develop dementia, that is on her. You are not the fallback plan. She can move to Florida and you will find her a place to live, and not with you. You don't need to be scared, you are no longer a 6 year old at her mercy. It is okay to say No. Might not be easy but it is okay.
Who is going to become her POA/HCPOA?
I sought counselling feeling so stressed out with the weight of this kind of future that others had laid out for me... The councillor asked 'What if I was a man? A man who drove long distance trucks for a living? And moved to Canada?' Would everyone still have the same expectations?? Wow that hit me as (unlike you) I hadn't seen it like that before.
My (female) cousin had. Her Father started priming her for HIS future. Started *joking* he would come to stay. She said great. "For one week. Only. Then I will deposit you & your bags to the nearest hotel".
So I'd say you've heard your Mother's hints - time to hint back... in whatever style is yours;
Caring & wordy;
Mother dear, you know I live in FL & I love Fl & am never leaving Fl. So if one day you can't live independently, I suppose you will have to decide to stay in IL or move to Fl. Both probably have nice assisted living options.
Honest & brutal;
You want to WHAT??? Live with ME?? 🤣🤣🤣 Gosh that would never work! Get that out of your head right now! What?? Me leave my home, partner, friends, life & move in with you so you can continue to live the way you want with no thought to my life at all? Now Mother, no-one would be that selfish surely? That's just downright CRAZY!
If you enable her to be in denial, you are doing her a big disservice. If she can manage without help. Good for her. She doesn’t get to turn away help because she thinks she has you to do for her. Get that part established. There will be plenty to do managing that help, her medical care and finances. Go back to Florida to your happy life. Let her think on her current circumstances in all the starkness without the illusion that anyone can make time stand still. She, by example, has taught you what not to do. Speak with your step sister so she understands where you are coming from. She will have her own tough decisions to make. Good luck and let us hear from you. We care.
I grew up in the crazy house caused by constant fighting between my mother and her mother,,,,,oil and water. My childhood was ruined as a result and I vowed to never take either of my folks in to live with me. I made myself crystal clear about that from the get go, too, because honesty is best. I'm an only child too....so you can imagine the expectations my mother has of me. She'll be 94 in Jan and lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living community and still wants to come live with me. There is no way I could possibly manage her myriad of health issues, wheelchair and moderate dementia, even if I wanted to. So she has her life over there and I have my life with my DH over here. I do A LOT for her, and manage her entire life, but it's from 4 miles away. It saves what's left of my sanity.
Best of luck making a plan and sticking to it.
You are grateful to her. And now you have your own family........etc.
Don't let her guilt trip you. Do what's best for you
She raised my brothers to feel as if they were superior just because they were boys.
I was expected to be the servant because I was the girl. It’s an old fashioned attitude.
I did care for my in my home for 15 years. It’s really hard. Don’t do it!
Make it about you. Tell your mom that you love where you live and that you relish your privacy with your SO.
That way she can’t place herself in the picture as the main star!
She will have to make other care arrangements.
Don’t be concerned with your brothers. That is between them and your mom. Don’t get in the middle of it.
Don’t allow your mom to stir things up between you and your brothers.
The sooner that you talk to mom. The sooner that she can start to move forward with planning future care.
You can recommend that she speak to a social worker to help her gain insight on her particular situation.
Wishing you all the best.