I moved out of state to support my husband’s job 27 years ago. my mom tells me every day she will never forgive me for leaving her and taking her grandchildren away from her. She also tells me that my middle brother is her favorite. I’m okay with him being the favorite, (he moved in with her to take care of her) he deserves to be the favorite, but for her to repeat it all the time makes me angry. My older brother lives close by and helps at a minimum. She is very hurtful. Me moving away never bothered her until she started aging. She thinks I should take care of her. She keeps telling me that she needs a female to take care of her. I have a caregiver come 3 days a week. She likes me to live with a lot of guilt. I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this?
You're a great daughter and you know it, so quit jumping thru the fiery hoops to please a woman who won't BE pleased!
Chances are that you wouldn’t go above and beyond for anyone else.
So, if you were to look at this situation more objectively, you might realize that you don’t have to jump through hoops, just because this is your mom.
Learn what your limitations are and respond accordingly.
If you can afford to pay an aid to come 3x a week, I would continue it. This is your contribution because you live out of State. Stop allowing her to guilt you. Really, if you were to take care of her, your life would be h**l. Brother would always be the favorite. Just ignore her comments. When she gets started, say you need to hang up. You do not have to take the abuse. Chalk it all up to the ALZ and the antiquated thought that girls take care of parents. Believe me, I was not a Caregiver. Loved Mom to death but I could not deal with the unpredictability of Dementia. Mom was placed in an AL and acclimated well to it.
You be the one in charge! Good luck.
My parents followed us so I could take care of them . My mother still complained constantly how she “ had to move “ because I did .
I had 4 other siblings but I was the one she chose to take care of them .
Consider yourself lucky that Mom did not follow you .
I hope you aren’t paying for Mom’s caregiver that comes 3X a week. You state “ I have a caregiver comes 3 days a week “. Mom’s care should come out of her own funds if possible. Don’t use your money to pay out of guilt .
You did not make your mother old , it’s not your fault she needs help .
With dementia they often feel that you aren’t doing enough anyway no matter how much you do , because they are not aware of reality of their situation .
I often joke on here that the best place for grown children is 1,000 miles away from their parents. I hope you are that far at least. I am 81. My daughter, 62 lives two states away. It would shatter me to see her give up some of the most free years of her life, having worked a career and raised her son until he can fly the nest, simply to throw herself onto the burning funeral pyre of an aging Mom. I would do everything in my power to prevent that. But, you see, I don't (yet) have a broken brain.
Those with dementia may say a whole range of things that don't make sense. It's up to you as an adult to understand a bit about the disease you are dealing with so that you don't "absorb" some of the nonsense you will have to hear. Then, too, your mom may be just "that kind of gal". She may expect more of you than she should.
I don't know if you speak a whole lot with the caregiver child, her son, but my guess is mom is a bit of a "piece of work" with him as well. She likely does a bit of playing one child off the other.
So you have our sympathy; know that. But I will also tell you to approach all of this with a bit of a sense of humor. And thank your lucky stars that you aren't the direct hands on caregiver of your Mom. We are born to the person we are born to. That person will have limitations. We are responsible as adults to fill our worlds with quality people we appreciate, who appreciate us. And on we go.
I wish you the very best.
They have been programmed by their parents for years and years. Living in a dysfunctional way can seem normal when it becomes habitual. Your frame of reference is off base.
Learn how to recognize your behavior. Then, make healthy modifications, so that you can function efficiently and peacefully.
Equally as important, is that your actions show others what is expected from you.
One of our long time posters educated me about FOG. Fear obligation and guilt. Look it up and see if this looks familiar to you.
You tell her that making your spouse a priority was and still is the right thing to do. Did she live with her Mom and take care of her into her late 90s? I'll bet not.
No one can force you to feel guilty so stop accepting what she's saying. When you call her, the minute she starts in on this topic, try to redirect the conversation. If she continues to return to it, tell her you don't agree and hang up. When my Mom does this to me I literally walk out of her house. You reinforce it if you listen to it. You shouldn't feel guilt since you've done nothing wrong.
This is the dementia not your mom talking.
If you told your m om 30 years ago that you would move to support your husband and his job and it would be better for you and your family would she hold you back form doing what is best for you and your family? I doubt it.
30 years ago if you asked mom who her "favorite" was she would come up with all sorts of answers placing each one of her children as a "favorite" for one reason or another. No mom would actually voice a "favorite". with the dementia I can't even say she is saying this to make you feel bad.
He is a "favorite" because he is there all the time, he is her "safe person" , the one that she can count on to be there when she gets frightened, when she does not know what to order at the restaurant, when she does not know where the spoons are.
She can't make you feel guilty unless you let her.
Stop letting her live in your head.
Stop talking to her everyday.
(why are you paying for a caregiver 3 days a week? Mom should be paying for that from her assets. )
By the way if you check to see if mom would qualify for Hospice a CNA would come 2 times a week to give mom a bath or shower and order supplies. A Nurse would come at least 1 time a week to check on her and order medications and all the supplies and equipment that is needed would be delivered. And your brother could ask for a Volunteer that could come sit with mom so he could get out and get some "me" time.
My mom pretty much disowned me for ten years then she needed help. So of course, I was there because that's what I was groomed to do.
I'll tell you this if you do it hopping your mom will see the light, that she was wrong to say the thing she said to you, wrong that you chose to live your life and she shouldn't of been angry with you for doing that. You most likely won't get it!
So live your life , don't break your bank either for your mom , if your paying for caregiving.
Know that you did the best you could do, with what you were given. You where given a controlling manipulative mom.
Best of luck to you, we are always here, and many of us have been in your boat. Some of us have let that boat sink, so learn from are mistakes
Your moms brain is now broken, so you all must take what she says with a grain of salt.
Be grateful that you now live in another state where you only have to put up with her nonsense if and when you want to. And if it were me, that would be very few and far between.
Please remember that you don't owe your mom anything, and it's up to you as to what you are willing to do or not do. You do have the final say, and you should do what is best for you and your mental health.
'You left me. Don't leave me. Stay with me'. If a tearful 2 or 3 yr old said these things it makes sence, right? They know they need a parent.
Kinda the same... but different.
*Separation Anxiety*
Mother is becoming more & more dependant on her caregivers. She may or may not know it. May cling to known people ie brother & you. May unleash her anger on 'safe' people she knows can take it ie you. May lose perspective & reason.
Just as you have to let a young child think what they think & experience their emotions, I guess your Mother can think whatever she thinks & feel however she feels...
You do not have to listen to it though.
After caring for mom in my home for 14 years I desperately needed a break.
My brother took on the responsibility of caring for mom in his home and she got used to him being her caregiver.
Mom realized that I was worn out from many years of caregiving and actually said that she wished that I hadn’t devoted so many years caring for her.
I appreciated Mom acknowledging how hard that it was for me to continuously care for her.
I’m sorry that your mom is laying a guilt trip on you. You don’t deserve to hear that.
I would tell your mom that you don’t want to hear it anymore. It may go in one ear and out the other. You will have to cut the conversation short if she is being disrespectful and working on your nerves.
Wishing you all the best.
She lived in Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living when the dementia got bad. When the ugliness got bad, I'd tell her I was leaving, or hanging up the phone, and I'd tell her why too. That I didn't appreciate her ugly words and would call or see her at another time when she was in a better mood.
Cut down your exposure to the toxic fumes, that's my suggestion. Let the Golden Child brother handle mother, and don't pay for caregivers out of YOUR pocket. Mother can pay for it herself. Call less frequently and let her know where your DH goes, you and your children follow. Period. That's how the cookie crumbles, mother. Don't accept the guilt card she's offering you, you've done nothing wrong. Just because she feels it's your "place" in life to care for her because you were born female, that doesnt make it a foregone conclusion. Its 2024 mother, not 1904.
Best of luck not buying the load of crap your mother is peddling.