I live 3000 miles away from my parents. My sister lives about 2 hours from them. Mom was diagnosed with cancer 5 weeks ago and given a couple months to live, so I came right here. I don't know how to put it other than to say my sister is a crazy, mean, demanding alcoholic and I am dealing with her on a day to day basis now. She drank through her pregnancy and has a 16 year old who has issues from that. My parents raised him until a couple of years ago. Now she is micromanaging everything and constantly insinuating I'm not doing enough. As far as I can tell, she does nothing to help. She tries to make me feel guilty for going to work. She was angry I didn't take a 12 hour/week low paying coaching job she found me (?!) I'm a carpenter and picked up a couple of small projects a couple hours away where my friend lives instead in order to support myself and my wife and kids back home. I came home from work the other day and she texted me "welcome home. Take Dad for a haircut and clip his toenails". My Dad doesn't want to go get a haircut during Covid and is a healthy active man who cuts his own toenails. My sister has never cut his toenails. Now I'm also given the job of teaching her son to be a man. (He has a father in his life, her husband. He's incompetent). Her son is constantly harassing my daughters via text about calling their grandmother. They already do that about twice a week. My older daughter is 21, in school full time and works full time.
My sister lies about everything and makes mountains out of mole hills non stop. She, her husband and son were over for the day, showing up early afternoon. I left an hour after they got here to go do some work. I received a text an hour after that about how my mom can't get in and out of her hospital bed we have at the house, and I need to be there to deal with that. This morning she was navigating that just fine and turns out she still is. My sister was lying. She makes stuff up all the time that I can easily disprove. She talked about how I need to be there all the time because every minute is precious, although she left right after I left. She was there just over an hour. I know because my wife and kids talked to my mom right after she left. 4 hours of driving for a 1 hour visit. She has to get home early because she starts drinking early. BTW, mom has 2 CNA's and a nurse, all of whom are on call and are only a few minutes away.
Last weekend when they were all here and I was gone working, they (including my dad) didn't even give my mom the fresh juice I make her every day. I showed them how to make it in the juicer. It's the only thing she can tolerate. They grilled steaks both nights and just watched her starve. Mom won't ask for the juice, but will drink it when I make it.
I know my sister, and I know she's trying to push me over the edge and into a fight because she's always used that as a release valve. I have no real contact with her in my normal life because she's very hateful to me, my wife and kids. This is just what happened today. It's indicative of how every day is. She makes fun of me, insults me, guilts me and acts like a 12 year old. I just take it.
I don't know how to gently and rationally tell her to stop without her turning it into a fight that she will blame on me. I know the fight's coming, but will stave it off until mom passes. What can I do in the meantime? This behavior is constant and I'm starting to crack. I'm the only one who's really helping my mom and I'm being nagged about not doing enough and teaching my nephew to be a man on top of that. He is rude and condescending to me and just goes up in his room there and plays video games. He has no desire to learn anything from me, and yes, I have made some attempts. Now it will surely be my fault when he gets stranded with a flat tire years from now.
Your there for Mom. I know its hard, but ignore Sis. You know what she is doing. Block her calls. I put mine on Do not Disturb. Tell Dad he is the only one you want calling u when ur working and it should be emergency only. Leave when sister is there. There is no reason she, her son and Dad can't take care of Mom.
If Mom does not have Hospice I would get them in. CNAs are not allowed to give meds or injections unless certified to do so, like a Medtech. Mom may need to be kept comfortable in her last days. Hospice can help with that.
I hope ur girls blocked their cousin. If not, give them permission to do so. Once Mom passes, you can go home knowing you were there for her. I have a feeling ur family has always been dysfunctional. So when this is all over, go home and never go back, not even for Dad.
https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#keep-it-simple
Please remove the chip on your shoulder about nephew and replace it with some grace, it sounds as though he's about to lose the only stable female figure in his life and he will have his own demons. Now is not the time for bonding moments but don't close off the avenue for a future relationship, don't push yourself on him and don't judge/parent either.
On a practical note - can your mom tolerate any of the calorie dense supplements like boost or ensure? Could you make up a jug of your special juice for her to keep in the fridge instead of expecting the others to mix it up daily?
Your sister’s stuff is hers, and no one, NO ONE, has the RIGHT TO LAY GUILT, BUT- and this is a tough “but”- YOU have no reason to accept guilt when it’s offered either.
”Guilt” never helped ANYONE make a loving, generous decision, or take appropriate, conscientious action. You are correct in your assessment that there is no way to engage without ending in a fight. SO- the less you can engage, the better.
Reading over your present post, it seemed to me that there were several INFURIATING ISSUES raised by your sister that you could NOT and should NOT take up with her at all. I would LITERALLY use a pair of ear plugs when she starts harangues, and walk away.
Your job is giving loving support to your mom and dad. Your job is not taking orders from your sister. If she is actively drinking there’s “nobody home” as far as reasoning with her anyway.
Unfortunately, there are SEVERAL of us here who know what it’s like to be in this situation with a difficult sibling. Trust yourself in what you’re doing or not doing. What SHE SAYS you do or don’t do is not part of your mother’s reality.
Is anyone holding a POA for your mother?
Hope things get better with your own mental health. One more thought, after Mom passes, could your dad move to your area and you wouldn't have to leave him to deal with your sister?
It sounds like you have bravely jumped aboard to stop the ship from sinking. But instead of gratitude, have a mutiny & the ship may sink anyway.
Why not take some time out, a long walk or a sit in a park. Ask yourself: is this working? For you? For your sister? I'm sure the tension is not good for Mom or Dad either.
How about your wife & kids? Is this situation working for them?
Many of us have been trained to be the family *fixer* yet sadly some situations cannot be fixed. You cannot fix your Mother's health, but can hopefully spend some quality time with her.
You cannot fix your sister. She may change in time, or not. You can only change your own reaction to her. May be best to put some space between you.
In no way is he your responsibility.
How will your Dad cope once his wife is gone and he is left with the mess that is your sister and her life?
I hope your mother's days are not filled with pain. Again I think of your remaining father. As far as your sister goes I think you have rightly regarded her presence in your life as meaningless.