My mom is in a nursing home, severely depressed, and wants to die. How can I make her life better?

First I have to say that you are not responsible for your mothers happiness,(only your own)so quit trying. Some people as they age will never be happy(their choice)no matter how hard family members may try to make them.
You have to quit letting your mom make you feel guilty about this, as this is on her and not you. You cared for her as long as you possibly could and you should not allow her to make you feel bad for having to place her.
She's making the choice to not interact with the other folks at the facility. If she was really wanting things to be different she would at least try and get engaged with others there.
I would just make sure that she is on some type of antidepressant, and then just let her be, and ignore her negative texts. You can make it clear that as long as she is going to talk/text so negatively, that you just aren't going to participate until she can find something to be positive about.
With her now having dementia, she will only get worse, so you have to learn to live with the fact that your mom will never be the same.
Please take care of yourself and quit carrying around all this needless guilt.

I believe that FunkyGrandma59 has shared great insight with us concerning how to manage the guilt the daughter feels over her mother's depression and desire to die. It is very important for caregivers to make certain they participate in "self-care". Seeing a therapist or counselor on a short-term basis could be very helpful for the daughter. The sad reality, however, is that it is very difficult now for people to be accepted into a practice with a therapist or counselor due to the high number of people experiencing COVID + pandemic-related depression. Perhaps the daughter could look into getting support from a religious counselor (rabbi, priest etc. many of whom are actually trained counselors).
My own 94 year old mother is extremely depressed and frequently expresses the desire to die. I used to argue the point with her until I realized it left her in a more agitated stated. Now I try to give my mother more of an opportunity to express these feelings. When she says, "I want to die", I reply in a gentle way, "I know you do, Mom. You're having a hard time and you're so unhappy." Then I pause to give her a chance to respond to that. I have found that often, she primarily wants reassurance that I have heard her and that I understand what she is feeling. Once she feels "listened to", she is more willing to move on to other topics.
Please know that as a caregiver, you are not alone. There are many of us coping with very similar circumstances. This site is a great place to vent, discuss, and find possible solutions. Keep visiting. I, for one, will keep a look out for your posts and look forward to getting to know you through this site. Best wishes for a more peaceful time ahead.

This part of life -- dealing with an aging parent who needs care at a level more than we as adult children can reasonable give and keep them safe, especially when they have dementia, depression, are nasty and unappreciative -- is so, so very hard.

FunkyGrandma59 gave great advice in my opinion; that is adult daughters and sons are not responsible for mom's happiness. Letting go of this "I have to find a way to make mom happy" voice running in your head is one of the hardest things to do but it can be done with time, practice and self love. Love and prayers to all dealing with this. You are a good daughter and are doing what you can.

If various approaches have been tried, antidepressants given, social and exercise activities offered to her in her NH but she chooses to not participate in any of it; then things are just not going to change. Being kind, offering nice notes/cards, treats and brief calls/visits if you can (if does not upset you too much) are good; but do not allow yourself to be draw into any drama, guilt tripping, or nasty lashing out behavior. There is no rule saying you have to become your mom's personal punching bag. Walk away if that starts to happen, nicely say I have to go now or I have to end the call now.

I am dealing with this now too. My mom (85) has been in a great NH for over a year (dementia, COPD, diabetes, cannot walk, depression). She refuses to do anything, will not participate in any activities, will not socialize with any other residents. She stays in her room with the TV blasting 24/7, with the lights out and the blinds closed. Yes, she is on 2 Rx meds for depression. Yes, the staff, her geriatric physician and geriatric psychiatrists have tried many things. Mom refuses to do anything to help herself in any way. She refused hearing aids; needed them 10 years ago. Sometimes she refuses to shower (of course they have to take her to the shower room, she cannot walk on her own). She refuses to leave her room, even to go out side when the weather is nice and NH is on beautiful grounds right next to a golf course.

The outbursts, lashing out, accusations were just to awful for me to take. Every call or visit turned her into a raving bully and me into a mental reck. I have had to go almost "no contact." Other than sending her simple nice notes/cards (Happy Thanksgiving) or dropping off treats every so often (I do not visit, I just do the drop off) is about all I can do. I am an only child, no sibs to share this burden with. Only one living uncle and bless his heart he does visit mom every other week, about all he can take.

Finding and working with a therapist for you, is also a good idea. I have been working with a wonderful one for almost a year now. Your qualify of life and your mental heath are key here too, right! Crying every night is not good for your quality of life much less your mental health. Working through this to accept that you cannot make mom happy is had work, but that work in time will ease the pain.

Love and prayers to all going through this.

sending hugs!!
it sounds very tough.

and you lovingly cared for her 10 years in your home.

what do you think might help her in NH?
is there something she could look forward to, a nice event with you? special food? does she still smile/laugh sometimes?

you wrote:
"When she texts me she usually asks for me to let her die"

...by the way, actor john cleese talked about his mother (she lived in a NH).

...his mother often said she wanted to die.
her son managed to make her laugh...till age 101.

at some point, in her 90s, john cleese got tired of his mother always saying she wanted to die. so he offered to kill her to cheer her up.
:)

he said to her, he has a friend, and if she still felt the same way a week from now, he could, only if she would like, give him a call, and he could come down and kill her.

the mother was a bit surprised. and then burst out laughing.

---

hugs.
it's not easy.
i hope your mother, you, your whole family, can be happier!!

it's soon xmas. i hope your mother can look forward to that :) :).

Your mom sounds like a Travel Agent for guilt trips. Just tell her you are sorry she is feeling down and you hope she feels better tomorrow. You do not have to listen/read her verbal beatings. You are not keeping her alive. That old ploy of "Just let me die" is as old as the hills.
What can you do?
As soon as you see the first word of abuse, and that is what she is doing, delete the text. Don't read the rest.
Tell her "Mom, I am sorry you are feeling down. When you participate in social gatherings you will probably feel better". repeat as necessary. Copy and paste is great for this.
Remember, you cannot make her feel anything, she is choosing to feel the way she is. She is hoping to make you feel bad. That is unloving.

Ask her if she'd like you to arrange a hospice evaluation for her? Because, really, what other reply is appropriate to a woman requesting to "Let her die"? Think about it. And then following up the ridiculous statement with the accusation that you don't love her, after you cared for her in your home for 10 years and now feel the need to cry nightly for the guilt trips she's sending you on? As if you have the power of God, to wave your magic wand and allow her to "just die" like a wilted rose in winter. How very dramatic and theatrical! 😁 [[[[[wipes brow with back of hand with fluttering lashes]]]]

The people here giving you lectures about what YOU are "doing wrong" are seeing only one side of a two headed nickel. And every time you toss it, YOU lose. Mommy wins that game because it's rigged in her favor and you're set up to be The Bad Guy every time. I know because my 95 yo mother invented that game! Just tonight she didnt answer her phone 4x in a row when I called her at the Memory Care, which made me nervous......of course. She then calls me back 30 minutes later sounding half dead to croak out that she has a fever. Oh, of what? I ask. Oh I don't know, my girl is here taking care of me. Great, put the girl on. On comes the CG who is nervously laughing in an odd way when I ask about mom's fever. She has no fever, the CG says, and mom is WINKING at her from her wheelchair. And the band played on. Just another ploy on mother's part to see if she can keep me awake and worrying tonight. For NOTHING.

Fact check everything mother tells you with the staff. My mother tells me she's alone like a dawg and assorted other Lies but when I call to fact check, she's yucking it up in the activity room with the other residents or kissing up to the CGs. They've put her on the phone in the activity room when I've called and her voice immediately gets hoarse and weepy from happy and jovial when she hears it's ME on the line.

Don't automatically buy into the b.s. without fact checking first. If it turns out she's depressed, get her a psych evaluation and some anti depressants. My mother takes the max dose daily and has since I got her doc involved in 2011. She requires 24/7 care in managed care due to being wheelchair bound and taking 87 falls, having AFib, pulmonary hypertension, CHF, neuropathy and chronic gastro issues. So yeah, living with me would mean I'd have died long ago. Others who lecture have sweet little old ladies for mother's and are clueless the levels of manipulation these women are capable of, even with dementia!

I've been called everything from "cold" and heartless to truthful and a lifesaver for my truth I speak here. I tell the other side of the story many of us face and suffer with. I'm a 64 yo only child with chronic stomach issues and anxiety from the suffering my mother has caused me my whole life. So I like to let others know it's OKAY to vent, it's OKAY to place a parent in managed care, it's OKAY to be human and to CRY UNCLE and say ENOUGH. It's OKAY to take care of OURSELVES too, in all this. We matter too, by God! The elder is NOT the only important person here! Keep that in mind.

Can you introduce her to a companionship aide? Tell mom it's a friend. Someone who just pops in weekly, always peppy, making sure Mom's got what she wants from the store, maybe taking her down to park concerts or what have you?

Is her depression being treated by a geriatric psychiatrist?

I'm a little shocked at the many responders who say let her mom be miserable. Getting older and losing your independence is traumatic - add being separated from her home and loving family - what do you guys expect? Covid restrictions have made nursing home visits few and far between. This woman - who is coherent and relatively young (79) - feels abandoned. ASD3456 loves her mom and is looking for constructive ways to make her mother's life brighter - let's focus on that!
ASD3456 I understand how helpless you must feel. The extreme fix would be to get her in-home care where she could live with you but have aides to care for her most of the day. I'm not sure what your finances are, but it would probably cost as much or less than a nursing home. You can also apply for Medicaid Community care which will allow in-home care. Would another facility be better for her? These are hard choices....
If all this is out of the question, and as someone else suggested, can you/brother hire a personal "companion" to join her in NH activities, do crafts, play music, color, go through picture albums, etc? Regular staff cannot possibly give your mom the time and attention she needs to pull her out of herself and participate.
Can she be fitted for a hearing device? Being able to hear better can be a game changer. Wireless headphones to enjoy TV were a godsend for my mom.
Bluetooth earplugs can help her listen to the music she loves.
There is a phone with video that can spell out the dialogue (research "captioning videophone") where your mom can visually connect to you and her family & old friends.
Is she on antidepressants? Make sure she is not being over or under medicated.
Can you have a clergyman from her religion to go to see her each week?
Can you take her out for an extended visit during the holidays? Can brother do it on some long weekends?
This is a problem that is not easily solvable - it takes a LOT of brainstorming and a concerted effort on all parts. Most of all, put yourself in her shoes, and realize the only thing that will make your mom 100% happy is to be back with her family. If this is an impossibility, create a dialogue whereby she can express her sadness, and you can accept hearing it without responses that are clouded with guilt. You are NOT guilty - it is just an unfortunate circumstance. Continue to be the loving daughter you are. I wish you the best.

Please ask your brother to arrange for mom to get evaluated and treated by a geriatric psychiatrist. Depression is common in older folks.