My mom is in a nursing home in Colorado near my brother, and I live in California. She is 79 years old and has been recently been diagonosed with dementia. She refuses to engage in any activities at the home mainly due to her lack of hearing and is often nasty to the staff trying to help her. She is coherent most of the time. Our only method of communication is text messaging because she can't hear or write any longer. When she texts me she usually asks for me to let her die because of how much she hates it there and accuses me of not loving her. She lived with me for 10 years after a non-traumatic brain injury but I had to take her to a home because I could no longer provide the care she needs. The home is in Colorado near where my brother lives. He with his wife and teenage daughters and I visit as often as possible but with COVID restrictions we haven't been able to take her out as often as we'd like. I want to cry every night because I want to improve her quality of life but I don't know how. I'm looking for suggestions. Thank you.
My own 94 year old mother is extremely depressed and frequently expresses the desire to die. I used to argue the point with her until I realized it left her in a more agitated stated. Now I try to give my mother more of an opportunity to express these feelings. When she says, "I want to die", I reply in a gentle way, "I know you do, Mom. You're having a hard time and you're so unhappy." Then I pause to give her a chance to respond to that. I have found that often, she primarily wants reassurance that I have heard her and that I understand what she is feeling. Once she feels "listened to", she is more willing to move on to other topics.
Please know that as a caregiver, you are not alone. There are many of us coping with very similar circumstances. This site is a great place to vent, discuss, and find possible solutions. Keep visiting. I, for one, will keep a look out for your posts and look forward to getting to know you through this site. Best wishes for a more peaceful time ahead.
Until she does that, your conversations with her end with the "I wanna DIE" thing once you confirm she doesn't want to try that right now. In which case you get the NH home involved. Otherwise, it's "end of the conversation, don't bring it up until you do X thing."
To the extent she can moderate her behavior, I think she probably will. Which will be better for her. You too.
And, ultimately, I'm not sure any behavior intervention will help a 79-yo with depression and dementia, but it could help OP to have a better plan for how to approach her mom when mom displays this behavior. Psychiatric supports would be a first-line treatment, then OP can do a differential reinforcement plan to encourage an increase in mom's prosocial behaviors.
You have to quit letting your mom make you feel guilty about this, as this is on her and not you. You cared for her as long as you possibly could and you should not allow her to make you feel bad for having to place her.
She's making the choice to not interact with the other folks at the facility. If she was really wanting things to be different she would at least try and get engaged with others there.
I would just make sure that she is on some type of antidepressant, and then just let her be, and ignore her negative texts. You can make it clear that as long as she is going to talk/text so negatively, that you just aren't going to participate until she can find something to be positive about.
With her now having dementia, she will only get worse, so you have to learn to live with the fact that your mom will never be the same.
Please take care of yourself and quit carrying around all this needless guilt.
it sounds very tough.
and you lovingly cared for her 10 years in your home.
what do you think might help her in NH?
is there something she could look forward to, a nice event with you? special food? does she still smile/laugh sometimes?
you wrote:
"When she texts me she usually asks for me to let her die"
...by the way, actor john cleese talked about his mother (she lived in a NH).
...his mother often said she wanted to die.
her son managed to make her laugh...till age 101.
at some point, in her 90s, john cleese got tired of his mother always saying she wanted to die. so he offered to kill her to cheer her up.
:)
he said to her, he has a friend, and if she still felt the same way a week from now, he could, only if she would like, give him a call, and he could come down and kill her.
the mother was a bit surprised. and then burst out laughing.
---
hugs.
it's not easy.
i hope your mother, you, your whole family, can be happier!!
it's soon xmas. i hope your mother can look forward to that :) :).