My mom passed away 3 months ago. It was quick and unexpected. Of course I asked my Dad to stay with us (married, 2 kids) a couple nights. Well that’s turned into 3+ months and I don’t see him returning to his house anytime soon. He was avoiding spending any time at his house in the beginning except to grab the mail .. I talked to him (tried to, he completely shuts down if he hears anything he doesn’t like) 6+ weeks ago and told him I thought he should be spending more time there. Since then, he has worked up to 3 hrs/day MAX at his own house (15 mins from mine). He is gone most of the morning/afternoon but is at my house for supper every evening and stays afterwards and sleeps here. I love my dad but I miss my alone time and the time with just my husband and kids. He says he wants to go back to his house but he doesn’t want to be alone and is heart broken over losing my mom. He doesn’t consider that I am grieving too and having him here is a constant reminder to me that my mom is gone (I was very close to my mom and my parents were at my house A LOT). My brother has offered to spend time at my dad’s house with him and even spend the night but my dad has declined. I feel like he is only thinking of himself and has even told my husband that I have no right to ask him to leave. WTH?!? This is completely stressing me out and having an open, honest conversation with him will NEVER happen because he does not communicate. It’s so frustrating. My mom took care of everything for him and allowed him to be selfish in their marriage .. so he keeps saying ‘I’ve never lived alone’, ‘she did everything for me’, etc. I feel like I did us both a disservice by offering for him to stay .. I should’ve stayed with him instead. He is totally capable of caring for himself, he just doesn’t want to. I am starting to resent him only thinking of himself and putting me in this position. Any advice?!? I want my old life back!!!!!
I am sorry for the loss of your dear mom.
It is sad that dad is having such a hard time starting his life over without his wife.
Since he needs to leave your home and doesn’t want to go to his own home you could call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask them to come visit dad for an assessment of needs. I would also get him to a neurologist for testing. Often couples cover for one another. Dad may have deficits you haven’t noticed due to moms presence. I am assuming here that dad is in his 70s? As long as you are seeing him in familiar surroundings it is sometimes difficult to pick up on the decline.
Alternately, I wonder if you went with your dad to his home and spent a few days if it would help? Perhaps work on packing away mom’s personal items if that hasn’t been done.
Maybe you could make dinner at his home, have your family come there for dinner and then they would go home. You might ask brother over as well and then brother would spend the night and you could go home with your family.
You could try this for a few days to help him transition. He might need to hire domestic help, order meals on wheels or down size to an apartment or Independent living facility where he could transition as his needs increase.
You could also just remove the bed he is sleeping on and tell him to go home. Or as the song goes, “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here”.
If there is a senior center near by, he might find it a comfortable hang out for lunch.
Hopefully you will get your home back soon.
I would tell him you have every right to ask him to leave, it's YOUR house.
Time to get use to your new normal dad and that isn't staying at my home and inserting yourself daily.
It's hard but, it is necessary for him to learn how to be with himself. If he can't be alone then an assisted living is the next option.
I would tell my brother to just show up at dad's and stop asking. Your dad needs guidance and not questions that put him in control of the situation.
I am sorry for the loss of your mom and pray that you all find your way forward.