My Mom’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse, and I wonder if planning nice days and outings is worth it anymore?

I'm guessing that the "nice events" you're planning are more for your sake than they are for your moms. and that's ok, I certainly get that you want to have theses special memories with your mom, even though chances are great that she doesn't remember them all at this point. But the fact that your profile says that mom is living in assisted living and not memory care, leaves me to believe that she may be remembering more than you realize.
As long as you both are having a good time on these outings, I see no need to stop them. There will come a day soon enough when you will have no choice but to stop them, so enjoy them while you can. Wishing you many more fun outings with your mom.

My Husband LOVED going for a ride. He loved going to Sam's Club or Costco (free samples ya know)
I liked taking him because I would use the store as his walking for the day. They had large carts that he would use for stability prior to his use with a walker. And after he started using a walker the carts are tall enough that they were actually more comfortable at times than a regular walker (Until I found a larger tall one)
BUT I stopped when it was no longer SAFE for him or me to get him into the car.
I would base the outings on safety.
If it is not safe to get her into the car or out of the car then stop.
Don't worry about a destination and "going" to a place. Make the outing a ride through a park, or a county road.
One thing I learned from my Husband is .... Live in the moment....
don't think about if she remembers the ride, the park, the dinner or who was there or what was served. Does that really matter? What matters is...Did she enjoy herself during that moment?

Your mom lives only in the moment. Yesterdays never were and tomorrows don't exist. Taking walks, going to the dog park or eating out somewhere have no lasting effect on her. Continue to do what you're doing especially if it makes YOU feel better. Don't worry about if the experience went good or bad, enjoy the moment with her.

Squid62, as other have said, these "fun" outings will have no long-term impact for your Mom, but they're worth doing as long as you can both enjoy them in the moment. However, at some point they'll likely start to have a long-term impact on your own well-being and your patience with your Mom, i.e. when they become more torture than fun. If they're at that point, then I suggest either modifying the outings or your expectations of them, or just quit doing them.

My and my wife's experience with my Dad was that for several years, outings and even long-distance overnight trips required careful "what-if" planning and preparations, reduced expectations, lots of on-the-road flexibility, and a sense of humor. In spite of all the predictable mishaps, my Dad seemed to enjoy these frequent outings and road trips, although he didn't remember any parts of them, neither good nor bad, for more than an hour or two, certainly not for a full day. Then, at some point they became too hard on him, me and my wife, so we stopped doing them.

Kudos to you for taking your Mom on outings and best wishes for both of you as your routines have to change along with progression of the disease..

She won’t remember the event or the outing right after it’s over. Sad, but true. Is it more for you? It’s going to be very stressful & strenuous to get her anywhere.
Hugs 🤗

Just keep it simple. Don't go overboard trying to plan something great that she will forget soon after. My mom forgets the same day and then will have that "bored to tears" look as soon as we get back. Keep it easy....a trip to a park, dollar store, a restaurant like panera, etc. After seeing my mom for several years forget about everything nice done for her and focusing on what she doesn't have, I don't think the "adventures" had a lasting impact at all. That being said....don't choose to stay at home, try to live your life as much as you can and go to the places you like for you...taking your mother to join in, but not because you are trying to please her. I love driving around and looking at crystal stores....she just comes along and it gets her out of the house and helps us both.

There are some good answers here. I'd add that if the person with dementia or memory loss appears to enjoy the outing and behaves well, then it's a win, unless or until taking them becomes too difficult for you to manage. (Difficulties that arise might include risk of your loved one wandering off and getting lost, or physical issues of trying to get them in and out of the car, or bathroom issues due to incontinence, which is never fun to deal with away from home.) If the person more often becomes anxious or agitated during outings, or seems more difficult to calm down or get to sleep after outings, then that's a sign they've been too stimulated and the outings aren't positive for their wellbeing anymore. Another hint is to space out outings/events, don't overdo with several days in a row, as the person (and you) will overtire. And as others have said, keep things simple!

hugs!! i think good events always help :).

happy moments :).

we all want happy moments :).

even when we were babies, we loved happy moments. now we can’t remember at all what happened when we were 17 days old...

every happy moment counts :).

what specific thing (let’s say unfortunately we have dementia) would make us happy, might be tricky to figure out. but we all love happy moments :).

i wish us all well :).
courage!!

bundle of joy :)

Great advice here. You have to gauge it based on your Mom and how much the effort is equal to the result. We used to take my Mom to many outings and family activities. However, as her Alzheimer's has increased and she has become frailer, it is more stressful for her to leave her residence at Memory Care.
So, as time has gone on, we've adapted her outings to her ability to physically and emotionally handle them.
I agree that many of the outings pleased both my Mom and us and our family members, but as she has descended into delirium and anxiety, it isn't fun for her or any of us. Due to her incontinence, she can't be far from a bathroom, either. So we carefully select what she can do now.
I wish everyone here the best. This is a tough road to travel.

I believe if they seem to be enjoying it even for a few minutes, it's worth it for all concerned. It's making good memories for you with your loved one, even if they may forget, they enjoyed it at the moment and you'll have the memories once they are gone.

You have the advice I would give here already, I would just add that while I would certainly use her “in the moment” enjoyment and safety of these outings (weather she remembers them or not) as my gauge also consider what you get out of them. There can often be something enjoyable and refreshing about taking your parent out for a drive or a quick bite to eat, even just to pick up food. My mother isn’t at the point where she forgets these jaunts as soon as she gets back or the next day but every time you drive down familiar streets that have changed in her lifetime, she remarks on how something has changed or the trees budding like she is seeing it for the first time with excitement in her voice and it kind of warms the heart to feel her joy. Same goes with a hotdog from the local place, it’s always the best hotdog she’s ever had! But once it is simply a chore for you and you aren’t getting any enjoyment that’s a consideration as well.

You are creating nice memories for yourself too.

if she doesn’t remember every detail but feels a warmth, isn’t that worth it?

My mom was in a different set of circumstances, it was very cumbersome to take her anywhere. But she loved the outings, and her enjoyment made us feel it was worth it. I’d hope you continue as long as it’s doable by you

Consistency seems to be a hallmark of calmer days and evenings. However, you can't stay locked in the house - and mom shouldn't either. Many people with dementia will tend to have Sundowner's syndrome - more anxiety and agitation in the evenings as shadows lengthen and things don't look right. Turning on more lights, consistent routine, and even a mild anti-anxiety medication can help with this, If you find she develops a routine being more difficult in the evenings when she is out, then get a sitter. So, plan those outings and dinners for yourself and your family. Most of them mom will enjoy.

My mom used to enjoy joining us for some girls nights or for an afternoon of shopping. She no longer does unless it’s a quick shopping trip. I worry about her need to use a bathroom now! So instead of stressing myself or her by taking her somewhere, I bring her to my house. I will give her a mani, curl her hair, let her help make lunch or go sit in the garden and watch the birds and chat. We look over old photo albums and this always brings back memories for surprises for her. I learn something new about my mom.

I'm pretty sure making someone happy for a short time will add to them enjoying their lives, whether or not they remember it later.

I think they're worth it. My mom had Alzheimer's and she lived with my husband and me for 5 years. We'd take her to lunch, go for walks, etc. If we all enjoyed it for the here and now, that was fine. I've had many nice days in my life, thankfully, and I'm sure I don't remember every single one of them, but I'm sure I enjoyed it at the time. I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Many people have said they enjoyed it. That certainly is a nice memory for me. I've teased other women like me, who had moms with Alzheimer's. I tell them that we're friends now, and if 20 years from now we get Alzheimer's like our moms, and if we wind up in the same Assisted Living Facility (although my mom lived with us), we'll just view each other as new friends.

It is worth it if only for yourself. You will appreciate the time spent with her. I know it is not easy. I cared for my husband and the outings with him were not always pleasant but for me I was given time out of the house doing something I like to do. At times I resented the confinement of taking care of him but now, looking back, I appreciate the time I spent with him.

I cared for my mom until her death. We did outings until she could no longer sit up. The options changed over time. Movie and lunch, pedicures, a walk at the zoo or botanical gardens (pre and post wheelchair. Later on we still did walks at the park, or we would go to the river, set up her nice lounge chair and just enjoy fresh air and sunshine. We did this even when she could no longer talk. I do think it was good for her. It was also very good for us. It helped lift our spirits which in turn made us better caregivers. Just consider your mom's needs and choose accordingly.

You are living in the moment so yes, for that moment it is worth it. Wheather she remembers in 5 min. is not important. They are still happy in the moment.

I read this kind of thing quite often in this forum. I got on the Agingcare forum 3yrs ago because I couldn't understand why my wonderful, kind, happy, loving mother would be so miserable some days? I figured it out. The days she was mad, mean, unhappy just plain MISERABLE! It was because she was in pain , because she was growing old and her body was failing. I realized this when I found myself being mean to my daughter when she came to visit me. When she would get here I was so happy but after I got tired I got mean , like leave me alone I hurt...I just want to lay down. So then when my mom would snap at me and then stomp off, then come back later and say "I am sorry about snapping at you, I love you " i would say " it's ok mom I understand you just weren't feeling good, I love you too ".

It is best to gear any outings or events to mom's current status and whether she is interested. Generally as the condition progresses, it becomes more difficult and enjoyment for both her and you decreases. Time limits come into play as well. Too much stimulation or too long of an "outing" can have negative results, even the same day!

Family dinners should be pared down, having various other families at different times, if she can handle them at this point. Too many people, too much going on is overwhelming. Smaller, shorter "events" might still work. As others said, be in the moment. If she seems to anticipate an outing or having other family over for a visit, go with it. If she isn't receptive, perhaps try another time. Keep an eye on her non-verbal signals, if she isn't one to express she's done with the visit or activity.

While she isn't likely to remember any of these events later, I wouldn't stop trying to take her places or have visitors. That isn't really the goal. Whatever she still seems to enjoy doing, do it. The memories built will be yours, not hers. Her enjoyment at the time is worth the effort it takes to get it done.

While it is possible that overstimulation on the day you had activities can result in a "bad" day the next day, it just may be however she is feeling that day. There may be no connection whatsoever, or it could have been overwhelming for her. It's more important to know whether she is enjoying the moments when they are happening and know when to cut it short.

It isn't likely the '“fun” days have any lasting impact at all.', but that is not the reason to stop or pare it down. IF she is enjoying whatever activity you plan for her, continue. If she isn't interested or is balking, then try again another time or a different activity. When she no longer enjoys "the moment", it is probably time to stop that activity. Perhaps you can try other activities in place of what you previously did.

I watched a family take a woman from mom's facility out to a birthday "celebration" for her. She was clearly NOT happy about it and didn't want to go. I honestly didn't understand why they would force her to go. Sure, they planned a nice event and brought family together, but WHO benefits from that, if the woman is NOT happy and NOT enjoying it? Who knows what went on wherever it is they went. I would bring the party TO my mother in the facility rather than take her out. We did take her out on occasion in the earlier days to a place she loved, but it can be very tiring for them. Once she refused to stand or walk unassisted (wouldn't even use her rollator) and was in a wheelchair, that finished it for me - I couldn't support her weight to get her from point A to B.

Continue to plan activities for mom, but keep her abilities and mind set in mind. Watch for cues that she is "done" with whatever is going on. As others noted, if/when safety for you or her becomes an issue, such as getting in/out of the car, then adjust the activities to avoid that. Keep groups of family to smaller units for visits. Too much stimulation can have negative results! Know that even pared down, you ARE trying to make her days better, fun, etc, and building your own memories. Wondering whether she remembers or not isn't the point. If she enjoys what you've planned, it was a success!

I think with the pandemic it made my mom more frightened to be out and about. She used to go out most days to lunch, church every Sunday and so forth. I find little things now are better for her. A ride down a nice country road, out for an ice cream, take out lunch in the van or a walk in the park. We live moment to moment, day by day and that is just how it is and best for my mom. No more planning trips, long outings just simple pleasures. It does not matter if she remember what she ate, where she went as long as she feels the love of family and enjoys those little outings.

Take it easy on yourself. Plan shorter events that are less complicated. Drop treats off that she can enjoy later. And, most important, plan something just for you in between and especially after one of those “bad” times.

Dad is 92, he does not have dementia.

Although he enjoyed outings before Covid, it would take so much out of him that it takes days to recover.

I have not seen Dad in 18 months, but my brother tells me he is even frailer and gets exhausted much more quickly.

I am reading a lot of good advice here, and I have been down this road with my Mom, who has Parkinson's and cannot leave the nursing home anymore. I would say, continue to do things that are SAFE, close to home, and you always want to give yourself an escape hatch if you have to leave. My Mom used to love the nail salon, then her getting in and out of the pedicure chair got a little hairy, plus she started getting impatient and didn't want to sit still too long so we stopped. I think car rides on a nice day, stopping for an ice cream, etc. are nice things to do. I would not go for fancy dinners where she has to sit long, or buy concert tickets or anything like that. Free concerts in the park are always good....you can just get up and leave if they get antsy.

Play it by ear, day to day, probably avoid planning elaborate activities in advance. I agree with the advice that this is probably more beneficial to you than her having the ability to remember it tomorrow. But that's OK. Because I do miss the little outings with my Mom. At first I was relieved because when they started getting difficult it was stressful, but now that some time has passed I do miss it.

I agree with the others; at this point explore the simple joys - trips to the park, an outing to a store, a simple meal out. Live in the moment with her and store up the good memories. Just don't let her get too tired in these outings.

Memories of the trips may be fleeting to her and have no bearing on her good and bad days.

A day will come all too soon where it will be to hard to take her out. Routine will become more important to her well-being. I remember dad brought grandma (mom's mom) over to the house one Sunday after church, Grandma who had dementia was getting agitated and uncomfortable even though she had visited at the house numerous times and lived with my parents for a short time. She was at the house maybe 15 minutes when dad took her back to her nursing home.

Remember store up all the good memories you and your mother make together so you can hold them close to you.

I don't have too much to add to all the good advice given already, but I will say this. Maybe your mom won't remember in a day or two whatever fun event you planned. But at this point, and I'm going through the same thing, if she enjoyed it in the moment, then maybe that's all you can ask for.

I think is it SO worth it! I'm sure it effects their mood, releases good endorphins, or something at the time. If not them, I still get to enjoy my mom in the moment. I'll still remember it the next day. I agree to stick to more simpler events that won't stress you out either. Just getting out of MC for awhile helps my mom. It's hard getting her back in sometimes and she gets mad at me, but I had fun with my mom in those moments. Not everytime is a great time, but at least we're still together. I think I'd regret not doing something with my mom...even if she forgets within hours of doing it. I try to take pictures during these times and I show her them so she knows we've been together and doing things. The day will come when we won't we be able to live in a moment together and that breaks my heart.

Ibagree with MarcyKong. It is worth it. Not just for your Mom but for you as well. You can have those good memories of your outings. There will be a time where she won't be able to go out as much or not at all. I am caring for two Aunt's one with alzheimer's/dementia and she does not relate to going out any longer to do fun things. I miss those days. So yes, it's very well worth your time and effort to have fun times with your Mom even though she will not remember them, but you will.