She is lucid and incredibility intelligent which makes matters worse, really. She refuses to do what she needs to do to feel better such as walking (claims it is too painful), try antidepressants to deal with her PTSD (she's had all her life) and is just miserable. She lives in a very nice independent living facility and does enjoy socializing with those in the place who are cognitively competent. Unfortunately, not many are. She does participate in 3 book groups (outside of the facility) and plays bridge. She is an avid reader. I took her with me across the country to have Thanksgiving with the granddaughter she adores. It was difficult for both of us although she seemed to enjoy having me do all the cooking, cleaning and upkeep. I wish she would live with me but she insists on staying in her own apartment and struggling with daily life such as keeping track of bills.
I try to encourage her to move to improve her well being but, she insists it is too painful to move much. And, she gets out of breath after walking one block or less. I just don't know how much to push her and I feel guilty if I don't see her everyday.
Your Mom has arthritis and that can be debilitating. Then add on heart failure where its not pumping the way it should. Oxygen not getting thru the body as fast and not being saturated as well. Does she use a pause ox finger monitor? Normal levels are 95 or higher. 90 is low and under 90 is not good. Maybe she needs oxygen.
At 85 with her health problems, I would not expect much. She has her book clubs and bridge. I would not disable her. She should do as much as she can for herself. I would just make sure she is as pain free as possible. Don't stress out, enjoy the time u have together.
The last Thanksgiving we had with my MIL she was 91. She had been on her own for 20 years. She chose to stay in Fla after my FIL died. One son 8 hrs away, another 12 and us 16. That TG we were joined by a BIL and SIL. We saw a decline but she got up at 6am and started dinner, not asking either of us women to help. The problem was, the day before she kept taking the turkey out of the frig to defrost. I said something about my Mom placing hers in cold water because they don't recommend thawing them out of the frig anymore. She told me that she had been doing turkeys for years and knew what she was doing. She also stuffed the bird the night before. I thought we were going to get food poisoning but I am still here.
What I am trying to say is the elderly do not like being told what to do. They have reached the part of their lives they should be able to do and say what they please without some "whippersnapper" telling them different.😊
You say your mother is a highly intelligent person. Treat her as such. She's had all the information, advice, recommendations she needs, yes? Then it's up to her to make what she will of them.
In terms of how much she should be doing: all exercise is good, but over-exertion (pain, shortness of breath) is not; I also notice that on your profile you mention cancer, and if that involves pain medication and/or restricted movement it's not like you can just tell her to grin and bear it. So look for gentler alternatives - does the ALF offer seated exercise? Is there a therapy pool? Does your mother enjoy singing?
In terms of moving around the house and managing her activities of daily living, and domestic activities of daily living as far as she's able, invite her but don't insist. Make sure that every task and routine is broken down into its shortest possible components, and that there is somewhere safe and comfortable for her to sit immediately she needs to. If there is one, lead with the incentive. E.g.: "Would you like to come into the kitchen and choose what you'd prefer for supper?" The incentive is that she doesn't have to try to imagine what she feels like eating, she can have a browse in the fridge and her own choice of meal. If she says no, choose for me, that's fine too - try again next time. The incentive for her to unload the dishwasher is that she can tell you (or whoever) where everything goes, while she just reaches the items from the machine to the countertop or trolley.
And pick your moments. The more satisfactory each experience is, the more likely she is to agree to another attempt.
They can access her true abilities, teach her some exercises that she doesn't have to walk to do and help keep mobile. Because once that's gone, it is an entirely different situation.
Both of my parents have/had neuropathy and found it difficult to walk. My dad would push through the pain and do it anyways, my mom, well she sits and complains about how much it hurts while popping her pain pills.
Of course your mom enjoyed you doing everything for her. Which doesn't like to be spoiled now and then? But, are you really prepared to do this 24/7 indefinitely?
Perhaps AL is her next step, hopefully, she lives in a continuing care IL and will be able to retain her current friends.
However, she is an adult with full rights, so in the end, she makes the decisions about where and what she does. Does she demand to see you everyday or is this your issue?
That's what my Grandmas's Doc would say to her apparently. He would listen, nod empathetically but then ask "well what's on for this week then?" A wise man.
It's OK to be sad about her health & aging from time to time. Life goes on, even with chronic pain & all the rest. Just part of our human condition I suppose.
Now, the guilt. I know that feeling quite well, but as caregivers who live with those we care for, we no longer feel guilty when we get a moment to ourselves. Why? Because it can be all encompassing. You’re important, too! Your mother is not an attachment to your own body. She is her own person. To be that attached to someone is being co-dependent - you can only be happy if in the other person’s presence. That’s not exactly healthy. You should have your own life beyond your mother, just as she is allowed to have one beyond you. This doesn’t mean you love her any less, or she you.
If walking is painful, bring it up with her doctor. I would suggest a pain medication because most probably, her joints are hurting her, and a good pain med might help her pain managing, thus making her want to be more active.
She seems like she has a very nice social life, and is active and engaged into things. You should endeavor do follow her example, and build a life apart from hers. She’s telling you it’s okay to be that way. You should listen to her.