My mother moved out of our house after we did a major remodel for her. She now lives in Florida in a mobile home cross the street from my two brothers. She is 90 years old and her dementia has gotten bad. We were super close, but now when I call her she just yells at me. I called her different friends to fill them in. They all tell me she has told them this grand list of what I stole. They all know it isn’t true. I have emails, receipts to prove all the things she said aren’t true, but should I even bother? It seems that as soon as I disapprove of one thing, (like a painting in her closet she found, she said I stole) she has another outlandish accusation. Like when I visited her a couple of months ago she said I took the sheets when I left and traded them for rags and that I even took a plate. I don’t think I can even go visit her because she gets so upset thinking I am a thief. I would never take one dime from her. Ironically I have spent thousands of dollars on her over the years. Feel really upset I don’t have a mother anymore. One of my brother’s she accuses too. Any advice would be appreciated.
My boyfriends mother accused her husband of stealing her purse and car keys on a daily basis. We would go there nearly every day and find the purse somewhere in/under the vicinity of her chair. She kept a roll of quarters in her purse, but would take them out of the wrapper and accuse him of stealing the roll....and in her mind the 'roll' was missing. She didn't associate the 40 qtrs in the bottom of her purse as being the original roll of quarters.
The best thing to learn how to do is to not argue because you cannot change a broken mind. Just agree and move on. Or trade the loose quarters in the purse for a roll that you 'find'. And keep her friends in the loop to tell the stories before she tells them. If they hear it from her, they already had your version and will have a better understanding of her diminishing mental issue.
Just a funny note on it, my grandfather used to accuse my brother of stealing his socks of all things. My brother responded to this as only he would. He bought a 12 pack of socks at Walmart and every time he visited our grandpa and heard "did you take my socks?" he would go to his truck, pull out a pair and give them to my grandfather. Worked like a charm.
Good luck.
The sad , sad thing is , friends and family do believe them. They don’t bother to research dementia, or refuse to accept it and so they don’t realize they are being taken in by delusional thinking rather than reality.
Secondly - think seriously about whether you go and see her. If it disturbs her and makes her behaviour more difficult, and upsets her, then it may be time to stop. So many people go on visiting when they are unknown, or it distresses the patient, or worst makes them violent and impossible for carers to handle. I know it is hard when one has been especially close but you are not (from what you say) adding anything positive to her life. If you feel you need to go to convince yourself you have done everything, and ensure you do not feel guilty or uncaring, that is a different matter - but you go for you, you are not going for her at this time, give yourself permission to make whatever choice you feel best for YOU.
Its a delusion so to her it’s real. No sense trying to convince her . Her dr told me change the subject. If you can and she’s in a safe environment like ALF , say goodbye. She’ll just continue to get reved up and madder and madder.
My mother is a narcissist and has always been verbally abusive but it still is hurtful. I just try to look it it humorously. Like I want her ratty old couch lol. Once I learned she was a narcissist and started seeing her gaslight etc it made me laugh. She thinks she’s pulling a fast one 😂
Its hard but you have to count on your integrity and reputation to stand tall. You can't convince your mom she's wrong.
I am sorry your family were not open to being logical about things and it has caused you such distress.
I love your way of 'fixing' her coffee!! If we can get into their head and figure out where they are coming from, then sometimes that makes it easier to handle and also helps us realize, again, that this person is not the real person we love!!
It just made me wonder, about your mother's anger and paranoia - is she yelling AT you, or TO you? And if it does feel like at, does she go on doing it if you don't try to contradict or correct her?
Thanks for your insight!
When my grandmother became ill, she turned on my dad, accusing him of throwing human waste on her property.
Previous to this, she had dearly loved him all the years head beenher son-in-law.
As her dementia increased, she forgot her accusations and became peaceful towards him.
Sometimes it’s hard to remain focused on the widespread damage that dementia does to even very close, very dear relationships.
Whether you attempt to “prove” that you didn't steal from her, or ignore what you are told she has said, it makes NO difference to her, and in the long run, no difference to the sadness you feel about it.
If you are able to forgive her and realize that it is her ILLNESS TALKING, NOT the loving soul you have begun to lose to her disease, I promise you that you will ultimately find yourself at Peace.
I'm sorry your mother is so frightened and angry, too; but at least that's not something you or anybody else did to her.
The pain and grief that you have because of losing your relationship with your mother is a big issue that will take time to address. Meanwhile, though: your mother is living in a mobile home close to your brothers? Hey, that doesn't sound any too safe. Hadn't the three of you, you and both brothers, better get together and work out a care plan for your mother?
I don't know if it's any consolation for you that at least one of your brothers now understands what you've been going through. It does, at the very least, make you safer from any potential misunderstanding of the accusations your mother has been making.
For the time being I think it would be the right choice not to go and see your mother if it leads only to confrontation and aggression on her part. I know you're the one who gets lashed out at, but she is the one feeling the fear and anger - all the more reason not to go, it doesn't do either of you any good. I hope this won't be forever or even for very long, necessarily, just until things are more under control.
Does your mother get any medical, psychiatric or other professional input? Have any recommendations been made about her care?
I have brought up the next stage where she may need to go to a nursing home but both brothers would rather have her live with them then put her in a nursing home. She wants attention desperately so I think that need contributed to her big stories. She wants people to feel sorry for her. Thanks for your insight.
For whatever reason a person with dementia can become attached to only one person and they can single out one person to become very angry with.
Make sure brothers get her tested for a UTI. As strange as that sounds, a UTI can cause dementia like symptoms while it may not cause symptoms you would expect like frequency of urination or burning. The only way you would know is a simple pee test. An antibiotic would be needed. A UTI can be toxic.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. The spoken word, true or not, is powerful.
It’s good that your family knows she is ill.
edit: how do you react? With compassion if possible. Come here to vent. We understand.
I’m going to call her today and try to be compassionate and avoid conversations that talk about me stealing. It’s hard to do because she keeps asking me why I took this or that. I thing is is the things that she says I stole are right in front of her she just doesn’t remember what they look like. Thanks for the encouraging words.