In addition to being neglected and traumatized by my mother through my early years at home, I witnessed her violently shaking children in her daycare, to the extreme point their heads would roll when she was finished, before she threw them back in the crib. This memory came to me last month. So disturbing to remember this 55 years later.
Do you know the name of this child? He/She could have been seriously impaired and has lived a life that was limited due to your mother's abuse. Not trying to stir the pot, just wondering. Don't you?
Shaken Baby Syndrome is really a fairly "new" concept, back when I was a young mom, we were taught to lay the baby down safely and walk away until we had control. This wasn't being spoken of 55 years ago.
YOU should NOT be caring for your mother. My mother was semi-abusive to some of us kids, and one of my sibs, whom she verbally abused is now her caregiver. It's not healthy at all. (BTW, you are experiencing PTSD---are you getting help for that? People tend to pooh-pooh any kind of "abuse" by parents as being "discipline" but it can and often does cross a line.) Let your memories guide you.
Everything you have done for your mother, you did out of fear, coercion and yes, love. We are so multi-layered as humans, we will literally crawl back into the viper's den to see if maybe "this time" it will be different.
You're normal in this behavior--until you move the "knowledge" from your head into your heart and truly BELIEVE that you have value and worth....it's just a thought, not an ingrained core belief.
Being a victim of severe abuse by the "golden child" my oldest brother, I learned pretty quickly to put up and shut up. My aging mother still blames me for his being estranged from the family up to his death. There's no reasoning with her, and I've long since quit trying. Only therapy has helped. I'm better, but I'm far from "well".
I have NO support network, not even my sibs. My hubby just cannot bear it. I still have very rocky times. Memories are flooding back since I began EMDR therapy, and it's HORRIBLE. 61 years old and I am sitting in a therapists office, sobbing hysterically once a week.
BUT HE (abuser) DOES NOT GET TO WIN. And mother doesn't either. I will still care for her to the best of my capability, but I will also walk out if she crosses a line, dementia or no.
You have done more than enough. Time for you. Good luck in the stepping away process. Be well!!
My choice is to have faith that God above will work it out and see that the proper punishments and rewards are meeted out in the afterlife. If the afterlife is only human memory, then the evil that she perpetrated will mar her memory as long as it remains. I have faith that it will be handled by God.
In the mean time, I am having as little contact as possible. I visit quarterly. That still leaves me sad afterward. I will not send her cards or toys with dogs on them since that was her target.
It was suggested to me that we use a state appointed guardian and remove me from her care entirely. This is done by contacting Adult Protective Services and telling them about the abuse you witnessed and experienced, and telling them that you are no longer able to have anything to do with this person who disgusts you. This has nothing to do with SSI and the state guardian will handle that.
Stop torturing yourself with the memories and cut off contact with your mom. You need a talk therapist to learn how to deal with these thoughts, and they will file a child abuse report that will go nowhere. You don't have to do that so you won't feel guilty. Give yourself a new start! If you feel you need a mother/mommy, listen to Dr. Laura on the internet - she was the daughter of an evil woman herself, and lots of listeners feel she is their true nurturing mommy person. Family is who you make it, not the accident of genetics. Bless you!!
You can resign as Rep Payee for the benefits paid by the State of California.
Please tell your therapist what you know and your concerns. Don't keep these concerns to yourself. So sorry that this happened to you, and you are still suffering.
How old were you when u saw this abuse? Like mentioned 55 years ago baby shaking syndrome was not r not recognized. I doubt if there was any "reporting" concerning any kind of abuse. We as a people were blind to this kind of stuff. And people experiencing it didn't talk about it. I really don't think you could have done anything back then, th laws were just not in place. Also, you would have had to deal with Moms abuse. I am assuming you r in your 60s so would have been young. I was 13 and was not mature enough to handle something like that. You r looking at this from an adult view not a childs.
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