She is 99, has progressed dementia but her body is still in surprisingly good shape. She still walks, goes to the bathroom, we take her for walks, 4 times a week she spends a few hours in Alzheimer's day care.
So it should be not so bad...
But I have a difficult time with her. I admit I never liked her and our contact was just being polite to each other once every couple of years since we luckily lived at other sides of US. She used to be the teacher and she has that attitude that everybody has to do what she wants and says. And it became progressively worse with less and less brakes as dementia progresses.
I can give her food, keep her warm and clean but that is it. I don’t like or love her. It makes it really difficult to put up with her stubbornness and bossing.
I agreed and wanted her to come to live with us since she refuses nursing home option And I can understand that and sincerely want her to stay close to her son. But being around her and trying to take care about her makes me to feel inadequate and a bad person since I don’t feel anything nice towards her. I never did and it is not getting better with her losing control over her behavior.
I only feel some sympathy with the fellow human being at the end.
My husband is wonderful with her and he is nice with me also. He understands that she is a hard to like person and it was actually a reason he moved far away after his studies. But now he is 70 and we have a little time to enjoy also. Instead of that we take care of an almost 100 years old unpleasant woman.
I know I am not a nice person having these feelings...I just don’t know how to continue every day for maybe quite a few years. We might die sooner than she will. It scares me.
I hope we will have some time after. The trouble is one never knows.
To say she will not go to a facility is selfish and she doesn't have the right to hijack your golden years.
Hugs to you for being able and willing to deal with this difficult woman.
Someone told me I'm a good daughter in law. I'm not really. I am a good wife. Anything I do for my husband's parents, I'm doing for him more than for them.
All the best.
I hope for the best - but what is the best? I cannot wish for her death(and I sincerely don’t) but since she doesn’t want to go to any care facility - what else can be done?
And I feel illogically angry with her that she puts us into this position. It is not real anger, I know she is not the guilty one. But I see no a good solution. Well, I know we will have to decide at some point.
Well, we don’t imagine what life will give us to deal with.
My husband understands and we are on the same page so that is very good. And he says in any signs of serious medical problem we will have to solve the situation differently. She has money so it shall not be problem.
I am very introverted so it is already a problem to have her there. And it is superfluous to explain her dementia and bossy manners, all of you know about it more-less.
It is difficult even more for my husband so I don’t want to complain to him much so this forum and all of you guys are my help. And it worked so well. I feel understood and accepted.
I have those stupid guilty feeling that I should be more loving...but...
I thought you guys will tell me exactly that - that I have to try more, that I have to overcome my shortcomings. So it feels somewhat satisfying to read that I am probably not so bad a person with my thoughts.
Thank you all. You did a lot for me. I feel more relaxed and forgiving towards myself. Maybe I can be more generous with my MIL also...
And I am very sure that within some time limit we can arrange another solution.
Thank you.
Dont beat yourself up too much. You are doing a lot more than some.
You dont have to love her or even like her but sadly, you do have to tolerate her.
So when you are doing 'you part' why not think of it as 'a job'?
So in this new job, you are caring for a 99 year old BOSSY, controling woman.
Mmm!
Do your job to the best of your ability, be civil (with a smile if you can manage one. lol)
Think of something else when she rants on and on and on etc...... Just smile and carry on. White noise her out.
Give your love to your hubby and save some for yourself.
Well done, doing what you do.
Take care.
Buzzy
Second, please have a conversation with your husband. You and your MIL are being impacted by a horrible disease. You have serious issues with your husband's health that need a calm and quiet and loving home. She needs to be in the best place for her care as well. My opinion at this point is she is unable to make logical and coherent decisions regarding her own care -- she is reverting to child-like emotions. You and your hubby need to step in to say that "an Alzheimer's care facility is the best place for you" and then put her there. They have trained people that can deal with her effectively and release you from the stress and angst she is heaping upon you both.
When my sister and I were caring for our 90-year-old Father, our goals were 1 - Safe, 2 - healthy (as possible), 3 - happy. Note that happy was last. Again, when cognitive issues hit our loved ones, they often don't make rational decisions. By getting her into a facility that specializes in her disease you and your husband can support her with frequent visits and she can enjoy you as children and not as caregivers.
All my best to you and your husband. You are truly wonderful!
try to keep your marriage a priority, as well as yourself. MIL needs to make the transition. Best of luck
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