My mother very recently passed. How do I get over feeling guilty about feeling relief, too?

You are not feeling "relief," per se. You are feeling the freedom to live your own life for the first time in ten years. This is the same feeling we get when we leave home for the first time, when we get our first "real" job and can afford our own lives, when we buy our first car and have the independence to avoid parental chauffeuring. This is not relief. This is simply stepping back into the normal channels of life. You should feel guilty about living your own life. You magnanimously stepped out of your own life to care for someone you loved very deeply. Your Mom could not have asked for a better caregiver. Now, your time has come again. Understand that all she ever wanted for you was a wonderful life. Live that life not only only for you, but for her, as well. Live it to your best ability. You will be happy, and she will be shining happily down upon you.

That’s only natural. I’m sure you worked very hard during that time. Plus when someone is in decline we know what the end result will have to be and the anticipation of that is a huge emotional weight. When we were told finally, after battling for 6 years that my husband’s brain tumor had reached the terminal stage and he had 6 months or less I had a strange sense of relief inside and I felt terrible about it at the time but now I realize that never knowing how and when was agonizing for me too. At least it had arrived and we could face it. I’m sure you miss your mom, but that long battle is over and the freedom from it has got to be a relief. Give yourself some grace and find new purpose now
that you’ve closed that chapter of your life.

Do things for yourself. Little treats every day. Sigh, and enjoy the moment. A week a month and in the morning you will feel a lift thinking of the day getting. And you won’t feel that twinge. you will breathe in and out and feel peace.

I'm an only child too. My mom and I have spent much of my adult life estranged because she is a narcissist, but now she suffers from dementia and after her second husband passed, she reached out to me because she couldn't care for her affairs. I have chosen to set the past aside and assume her care, but I feel guilty at times because I wasn't here for her during her good days. I have to remind myself that as a parent myself, I want nothing more than for my kids to be self-aware enough and self-sufficient enough to be healthy happy adults. My mother's narcissism may have prevented her from wanting the same for me, but she should have and so I have to set aside that guilt because I did what a good parent would hope for their child and I overcame and I've lived happy and fulfilled - until now, when she truly needs me. How does this relate to your situation? Because I believe your mom would want you to be free to live. I imagine she was grateful beyond words that you walked the journey with her to the end but she would not want you to burden yourself with guilt beyond her death - I'm sure your presence was a comfort for her, but she has no more need of your care and would likely be glad to know that she is no longer a burden on you.

Despite my mom's and my history, I feel her heartache deeply as she laments about her failing mind. Sometimes I almost wish for the time when her mind is completely gone so that perhaps her fear and sorrow over losing what she had might be gone. I can hardly stand to hear her beg to die, to beg me to find some way to save her mind, to demand a miracle from God. But if I don't walk with her, who will? She lives in AL, but they don't care for her like I do. I know we are facing a long journey together, much of it yet unknown, and quite frankly, I just don't know if I have it in me to make it. I know I will do it because I have to, but what will my life look like when her time is done? Feeling the dread and fear that I feel now, I can only imagine that I will feel relief when her days are over. The best you could do for her is your best, and I'm sure you gave her that.

For 10 years you sacrificed yourself to care for your mother. You were her loving daughter in every way. Did you ever feel guilty that you weren't doing enough? Did you ever feel guilty that you sometimes resented your burden? I was my husband's main caretaker when he was dying of cancer. He had so many conditions that I had to help treat: diabetes, 24/7 oxygen, sleep apnea, special diet, incontinent, cleaning cleaning constantly. Scared that I would make a mistake and kill him. Only getting 4 hrs of sleep every night. One day he was using his walker to get the mail. There were 2 small steps dividing the mail area from the main lobby. He got up the steps just fine. I was so tired--I let him get ahead of me, not thinking of the danger of negotiating steps downhill with a walker. I was a tiny bit resentful. Do I have to do everything?! Well, the walker got ahead of him, he hung on and fell. The sharp edges of the handles scraped all the skin off his wrist. He bled all over the lobby floor. It took 2 of my neighbors to help me carry him back to our apartment. He was getting better before that accident. But after that it seemed to deplete him, and he got worse. I am so sorry. So guilty. If I had only known better. I realize now as I write this that it wasn't my resentment or inattention that injured him--it was my ignorance. To all of you out there NEVER negotiate going downstairs with a walker. If you have to, turn around and go backwards, and you must be ahead of your loved one. Anyway, back to you. Guilt is related to distress. Can you separate the distress of losing your mother from the distress of failing to save her? I, too, felt relief after my husband died. Every minute before he died I tortured myself feeling responsible for keeping him alive, caring for his needs, checking constantly to make sure the oxygen tubing wasn't clogged (sometimes it was and he couldn't breathe!), running into the bedroom to give him water when he blew the whistle (I bought him a whistle to summon care), cleaning the soiled linens, cleaning the bedsores, drawing blood and injecting him with insulin. worry worry worry constantly. What if I fail? What if I fail? The morning after he died, as usual, I woke up so early. I forgot he was dead. I overslept. Is he OK. What do I have to do? A surge of high anxiety! Is his oxygen plugged in properly! Does he need help toileting? Does he need water? And then a blessed relief. He's fine. He doesn't need me any more. We crossed the finish line. It's OK now. I don't have to torture myself any more. I did everything. Now I can rest. He doesn't need me. He's safe. I love him still. Are you guilty you didn't do enough? What did you do wrong? You have some internal beliefs about duty and responsibility that mean you will lose your mother's love or you won't deserve it unless you are totally selfless? What about when she was healthy? Did you never have a single disagreement? Did you always do everything she wanted even if you secretly wished to defy her? Didn't you ever feel happy or relief to do something you wanted that she didn't want you to do? Most parents do feel a relief when their babies grow up enough so they can get some sleep. Your mother has now grown up into heaven (if you are religious). She is no longer suffering. You DESERVE to be relieved. You did your job. You were the perfect caretaker. Now you can finally relax. We humans are complex. You will feel grief and wish you could have kept her alive. Don't confuse that with guilt. Please explain why you deserve punishment. What should you be feeling? Are you guilty that she died and you couldn't save her? Was she displeased with your care and wanted you to do more? Anyone who cares for a loved one deserves our support. Would your mother want you to be guilty? I would be grateful for your care. Thank you.

You deserve to feel relief. You have taken care of her for so long. This is a normal feeling. Instead of feeling quilt why not feel happiness for her, she is out of her misery. I know you will go through grieving so talk to her and love her up. Just because your mother is gone does not mean she is not spiritually here with you, ask her for help in this process.

Just let it simmer awhile on the back burner. Think only of good memories and put your feet up. Your only job now is to deal with the probable boat load of paperwork and the dismantling you may have to go through with her things.

Her siblings may come around now. You are not obligated to anyone. Remember the words - "I'll get back to you on that". And, "this is not a good time".
You don't have to get back to them btw.

It takes an objective mind to do what I'm about to suggest, and I know in the thick of it it will be difficult, but try to observe how with each passing day, or week, you feel better.

You will become confident that you did as much as you could given the tools and support you had, or didn't have.

At times, you may feel worse for a split second for thinking that some things could've been handled better, but you can only know this from having gone through the experience.

Guilt from relief - Wrong, that's absolutely normal.

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I was the sole caregiver to my mother for five years. When she died, I felt relief for her because she died from dementia. All her life she had always been very independent, a well-educated professional and raised my by herself. It was very sad to see her reduced to someone who remembered so little of the past and could do so little for herself. I don't feel guilt for anything. She's been gone for 11 years and I miss her more everyday regardless of her medical condition. Caring for her was the most rewarding thing I did in my whole life. Look for the good you did for your mother and you won't feel guilty.

If you did not feel relief, I would say something is wrong with you. Why should you NOT feel relieved that the stress for you is gone, and she is gone and finally at peace. You carried a terrible burden yourself and no one helped you - thank god you were there for her when no on else was. You owe it to yourself to feel peace, not guilt. Give it some time and you will see what I mean. Now move on and enjoy your life and your new peace - without guilt.

Put aside those feelings of guilt. You probably have nothing to feel guilty about. If a parent lives long enough to need care from others and suffers physical and/or mental decline their life becomes increasingly burdened as the disabilities take over. Their death frees them from their pains and discomforts. It also frees you from your cares and concerns for them. Their death is a good thing for them and for you.

Relief is entirely appropriate. I think this is part of the reason why many of us choose to celebrate the life of the one who has passed rather than mourn their absence. When my father died at age 62 the family mourned his too-short life and those things that would be missed in his absence. When Mom died at 96 we got together and celebrated all the good things in her life and also celebrated the twin facts that she was no longer limited by her growing disabilities and that we were freed from the time we were committed to her care. There was a lot of laughter and very few tears. Please, feel free to celebrate your independence and your mother's freedom from pain and discomfort.

Perhaps a week or two at a health spa would revitalize your spirit and your amazing ability to care for someone else at your own expense. An only child position is a conundrum in that you are everything to your parents and most of you are wonderful and mature children compared to those who struggle for space and time with their parents.

A splurge like this place would be a great catalyst for change as you enter the next chapter of your life.

Copy and paste:
https://www.premierfitnesscamp.com/visit/spa/b?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=usa-health-em&utm_term=health-spa-retreat&gclid=Cj0KCQiAmpyRBhC-ARIsABs2EAoh6m__81qXrt2lmRPZ_jcroKMBgA7AYNu9tWMnEGsdSetx_OYwFfcaAjLEEALw_wcB.

Good luck to you!

No guilt! I too was caregiver for my mother for 10 yrs. And it was all on me as both my sisters passed too. When Mom passed, I was relieved for her because she passed from breast cancer and she was so brave. But she suffered. Then I was relieved for me that I didn’t have to deal with death anymore. I could get back to the land of the living. (I also cared for my sisters and my dad before they passed). It was difficult to change my footing, but slowly I went back to things I enjoyed. I know they would all want to see me have a life now! And I found my love for my mother again as a daughter, rather than a caregiver. It’s a transition, and it’s slow, but give yourself the kudos you deserve and march forth to your life now. You did good! Your mom would want you to know that.

Caretaking is a isolating experience . Find compassion for yourself for a job well done . I Hope you Can find a new path to journey on after 10 years . Your Mother was lucky to have you . Grief counseling can help but also some fun activities like hiking , camping , traveling . I wish you the best and I know at first after a loved One passes we wonder what we could have done differently ? We do the job the best we can and then we have to live our lives . I Hope you can find happiness - nature helps me heal and the beach and swimming .

One way to avoid the guilt feelings after a parent passes away, is to make peace with them when they are still alive. Stop calling them "narcissistic" or using other derogatory labels. They might be sick people and their actions are the result of their sickness. Now, for those who insist in calling them "narcissistic", please, never come back to the Forum after they die complaining of having guilt feelings.

Having been a Hospice Case Mgr for many years, I have seen many folks who stepped up to provide care when other family would not, or COULD NOT. Ask yourself if she would wish you to feel guilty. Would she wish you angry W those who did not help. Death and guilt seem, unfortunately, to often go hand in hand. Do not beat yourself over the would'a, should'a, could'a,s. You were there and stayed.

I was my Dad's caretaker for years. No help from my sisters, who both lived within 12 miles of Mom & Dad's house. At first I felt guilt about feeling relief, it was the 2nd emotion I felt in the minutes after Dad passed. I was shocked I felt that, but I think it may have been more relief in the sense that i knew Dad's pain and suffering were over. It took me a while, but I no longer feel that guilt. It may take a little time, but in the future, I think and hope your guilt will be gone.

You loved greatly so you cared greatly.

Because you cared greatly - and without help - you felt exhausted. The burden of care is lifted and you feel lighter, maybe even joyful. Don't feel guilt that the burdens - the tasks of caregiving - have been lifted from your shoulders. Don't feel guilty that you are getting a long overdue respite.

Use this transition time to nurture yourself, to explore new options, to be grateful for lessons learned in the past... The joy is a reward for a job well done,

Tamrad1965: I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother and send deepest condolences at this most difficult of times. There is no time limit on grief. I am sorry that you are feeling guilt in regard to relief, but please know that you were a stellar caregiver for a decade, which is a long time.

I know how bad it feels to lose your mother & i was the daytime caregiver for my mom for about 7 years & helped prior to that. She had Alzheimer's with a definite personality change for several of the last few years. I loved my mom & she was my best friend, but Alzheimer's changed her. She was difficult to deal with & I hated what the disease did to her. When she died it broke my heart, but I was relieved. I still miss her even after 3 years, but I do not regret any of the time with her even when she argued, bit or scratched me. Give it time & realize that you were dealing with a difficult situation (disease) & that you're relieved that it's over (not relieved of your mom's death). Don't be hard on yourself. Join a grief support group or get professional help if you continue with these feelings. 🙏🙏

I read a line in a book lately that was very helpful for me. Guilt is what you feel when you act/feel in a way that you perceive as not being in sync with the person you feel you are. (Paraphrased because the book was from the library and I cannot check it.) So your feeling of guilt is beause you perceive that a "good child" would not feel relief at the passing of their mother.

Let it go. See if you can change the dynamic. The book then recommended that you rewrite what you just said in the third person like a newspaper article. "Suburban woman/man grieves the passing of mother after being sole caretaker for a full decade of their life, sacrificing personal space, funds, and time with friends. This reporter confirms that while missing her/his mother deeply, the person also feels some relief as the overwhelming task of love is lifted."

So you make the self-talk more kindly. You would not think badly of someone if you read that "article."

You get over it by building a life of your own. Then you live your own life, without feeling guilty about it.

Today I thought again about your situation. Many of us are trying to reassure you that you did everything you could and you don't deserve to feel guilty. I was thinking again and thinking, what kind of daughter can provide selfless care for her mother for 10 years? This is a daughter who can put aside her own needs, her resentments over the burden of care. She routinely denied in herself any anger or dissatisfaction or desire for relief. This daughter feels THREATENED by her own relief. I thought about this situation. Suppose you were wearing very tight shoes. They pinched you. You were uncomfortable. But you wanted to please your mother so you said nothing. You didn't even notice how uncomfortable you were. But then, when you can take off the shoes, you feel RELIEF. And this relief is a threat. You have been acting as a policeman to yourself--denying yourself any rebellious desires that would threaten your duty to care for your mother. We are all human. It's OK to feel relief. It's OK to feel resentment. Your love and devotion have been proven. You don't have to be perfect. That policeman part helped you honor your duties. She will be valuable when you have new duties to perform. Now your duty is to yourself. Please care for yourself now as you have cared for your mother, in honor of her memory.

Honey. You will get over this, I promise. I Loved my mother-in- law. Without a doubt. But she moved in when she was 82. She also brought her elderly sister to live with us. It wasn’t planned, I had an 8 hours notice. Yes- I’m serious. By 92, it was very, very ugly. I don’t need to give you details. I’d lay in my bed every morning listening to the baby monitor. Wishing (but not wishing) God would just take her.
He finally did.
My mom moved in with me about 4 years after my MIL got here. (Yep. I had 3 old ladies in my house at one time… for YEARS) It was a year after my sister committed suicide.
3 old ladies, a 10 year old son and a husband who worked 15 hours a day and hid the rest of the night. And I also worked full time… but I moved my office to home.
OMG it was hard.

I’m 62 now. I only have my mom left.
It’s exhausting and tiring. I’ve had people say “well… SHE took care of you, now it’s YOUR turn”.
really? I only needed help until I was about 12. And she was in her 30’s!!! Ha.
Im doing all that care stuff, worrying all the time, feeding.. running errands and now doing stuff I’d never thought I should be doing (and it never ends).
I feel guilty sometimes. well,
no. I don’t.
We do / did the best we can.
there’s nothing wrong with claiming your “own self” again.
and whoever wants to argue this point with me… BRING IT ON.
Stop feeling guilt for relief. Promise me you’ll stop feeling guilty. I don’t know your entire situation, but trust me.
there’s nothing to feel guilty about, when you just need to be normal again. You weren’t asked to be born. You never thought you’d be a caregiver when you were growing up.
We do the best we can, then we need to live our lives again and put away the oxygen tanks, bed pads and walkers. Go live your life. She’d want you to.
I want you to.
hugs.

Over 10 years?? I’m in this so far only 4 months……😩 Don’t feel guilty at all.

I felt a relief when my Mominlaw, whom I dearly love, passed last May. I only took care if her in our home for 16 months. I did everything I could possibly do for her and I was at the end of my abilities to do it without help. I felt like it was a gift from God, for her and I both, that she was able to finally go to heaven. She was 90. It was time for her to go, she was ready for years.
You did all you could, and that is nothing to feel guilty about. I think that guilt is a natural daughter thing for us to feel. Please give yourself the grace you would offer me, its human to feel relief after any kind of intense experience, even when it only lasts months or a year. We are human. Its a human response. It took me awhile to get to the grief process because the relief was such a big thing for me, I didn't grieve right away. I was just numb for awhile. But I was able to get to the point of remembering the love and the beautiful friendship we had before she got dementia and needed so much help. And that is what I grieved for.

You loved your mother and still do love her. It is only natural that you have both loving and maybe conflicting feelings because suddenly, your caregiver responsibilities have stopped for the person you loved. Now you need to find a new life going forward and recover from your grief. All of this takes time, to adjust to and deal with. Try to find someone who has had your experience. This person can mentor you and help you recover from your grief and conflicting feelings.

It's a shock when your mother is no longer here and hard to adjust. It will get better. When my Mother passed I wasn't happy but there was a sense of relief. The dementia had taken over and took my Mother. I hated to see her like that.

I'm so sorry to hear about ur mom's passing, i know the grief of losing parents to long illness. i went through it with both my parents. and although I'm disabled and my sisters brother and Hospice were there, after they passed, somewhere inside it felt like a balloon burst and the weight was gone.
The best way to deal with everything your feeling, is to get into grief therapy as soon as possible. Believe me, EVERYTHING ur feeling including guilt is COMPLETELY normal. I commend u for dealing with everything on ur own. Now, that ur Mom's at rest, YOU NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON YOU. I know she would want that for you.


God Bless,
Colleen

I have four other sibs but I, being the oldest daughter ended up doing more for my dad. Yes at times, you are angry, depressed, and just want your life back - they are normal human feelings. The point is you did help her and she did make you mad at times, but you did the best you could. When that parent passes you do feel relief because you yourself are older and it wears on you. just know that many many other people in this country share your feelings but in the end, your mother was grateful and you can live in peace knowing you did the best you could. God bless you