I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.
My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.
I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”
I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.
We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.
Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.
My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.
I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.
"When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get."
DO NOT move her in. DO NOT live together.
People that have always enjoyed functional and loving relationships with their parents all their lives often find those relationships become seriously damaged and even destroyed completely because they moved in an elderly parent. If you had a combative relationship with her to begin with, moving her into your home (even if you wanted to which you don't) will ruin your life.
Any love or affection you might have for her will quickly be replaced with anger and resentment.
Please, for both of your sakes, do not move her into your home.
This thread gave me strength today. Have to see my Mom on Tuesday. The post & comments remind me to protect myself. Armor on!
Unfortunately, my mother will remain home until an accident or event. In my father’s case, it was sundowning that finally made my mother understand that he needed more care than we could give.
When my mother cannot adequately take care of herself, then she’ll need price care, either and aide or assisted living.
The issue now is twofold: coping with my mother’s hurt feelings and resulting anger& sulking; and dealing with her never ending reasoning for having her way. She was always able to wear down my father with these tactics. She does wear me out, but I will not meet her demands.
Hang tough. Book a vacation.
I am in this situation as we speak and I can only tell you that I so wish I had NEVER AGREED to it. This was 8 years ago and she didn't have dementia then but she does now and this has been the worst couple of years of my life. WORST - it is damaging relationships, marriage, ALL of it and I am beyond and beside myself. You need to live your life and you should because you will never have a life again to live.
I'm sorry for the brutal honesty and I'm actually not even one to reply here but when I saw your subject line, I just had to.
It is much harder to get rid of them once they move in. It’s almost impossible because no one is going to want to move from the comforts of home with their 24/7 child/slave taking care of their every need and demand, to a senior living facility where they will be much more easily ignored, abused, and neglected. They can also more easily abuse and manipulate their children than an outside caregiver.
I've never advocated that children should not take care of their parents, but there need to be boundaries in order for you to maintain your happiness and sanity. Your current setup is ideal. You are next door, but you can return to your own home for some peace and quiet. I would love to have that setup rather than share the same roof with my mother. You are doing more than enough and deserve to have your independence from her outside of your caregiving hours.
See All Answers