I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.
My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.
I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”
I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.
We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.
Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.
My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.
I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.
DON'T DO IT.
Maintain your boundaries for your sanity.
Yes, of course, she'll refuse every suggestion. Expect this and do what you need. to do. And, if you are not her POA, she does whatever (else) she needs and wants to do as an alternative to living with you.
You are (potentially setting yourself up) in a no-win situation.
Gena / Touch Matters
Perhaps she could use that money and hire help leaving you free to work (as long as your own health and situation allow).
I tried to move my mom in with us after we found a massive bed bug infestation at her home. It only lasted three weeks and we took her home with 24 hour care. There were a hundred reasons it did not work. And it was just took much work as she was almost entirely incapacitated by this time. I had help from my husband and it was to difficult even with two of us.
Since you are alone it will be to much work for you. I would start exploring other care options now. DON’T WAIT. If you wait to look when the time comes it could be a hard road. I speak from experience.
Do you have medical POA? If there is a Trust? get it out and review it thoroughly. You might find a quirky clause like we did that further complicated all her care, (physical and financial ) issues.
Like many others I could go on and on with this issue but I tried to keep my response short.
Good luck.
Yes. This daughter needs to do what is best for herself.
Speaking clearly, having convictions in boundaries set.
State decisions and that's it.
The less said the better. There is no winning this 'argument' with the mother so best not to leave the subject open to discussion. It will only lead to frustration and heightened emotional upset.
Maybe if you get a coule of Webcams in her house it would make her feel better, as you could check from next door....even talk to her if you need to...?
I have one in my mom's living room...she live's 2 1/2 to 3 hours away, so it's nice to check in and see if she's in her chair moving around.
”No. Let’s talk about something else.”
”No. Oh, look at the time, I have to go.”
Etc.
I took care of my dad for 4 years. The first 2 he was in his house, and I in mine, 5 miles away. I alternated locations where I cooked and where we ate meals as Dad could still drive. Then he became seriously ill. He moved in with us for about 5 months, until a health crisis meant he had to be closer to services (we’re rural). Those 5 months were exceptionally tough, rewarding, tough, tough and tough. And we got along great. Not the situation with you and your mom.
You spent 9 years with hands on caring. That is plenty. You already know that living in the same space will not work.
No is a complete sentence.
My best, and good luck!
Although I wouldn't recommend continuing the conversation.
I would encourage this daughter to state her feelings and boundaries and then stop talking about it. The / her mother won't stop as she wants to persuade the daughter (due to fears - likely isn't really about money).
Whatever the situation, the daughter needs to be clear on her own needs and setting boundaries.
Her wants do NOT supersede your needs.
You live right next door and are doing plenty for her.
The sulking will not stop just because you give in and move her in with you.
In fact, she will see that it worked and will do it even more over every little thing.
I'm glad to read that she has money. Let her continue with her current situation and then AL or SNF as needed.
So sorry that your marriage was ruined.
Even if a marriage survives though, it is still stressful. Privacy goes out of the window when a parent lives with us.
Sometimes parents interfere in our lives. It’s difficult, for sure.
I regret that my husband and I didn’t have more time alone with each other.
Give her options (call A Place for Mom) and do not make YOU one of those options.
Her wants do NOT supersede your needs.
You live right next door and are doing plenty for her.
The sulking will not stop just because you give in and move her in with you.
In fact, she will see that it worked and will do it even more over every little thing.
I can see where she is concerned about saving money. Whatever she has will have to cover her needs as they increase until she leaves this earth. Any chance you could both sell your condos and get a bigger place with more space AND hire some help to come in so everything doesn't fall on your shoulders?
Poster expressed, "We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her."
To me: plain & simple. No need to move in or even hire a Caregiver to stay the night? She is next door.
Happy SueGood's situation worked out, but I cringe reading any suggestion of anyone EVER moving in with their Parent.
Def comes from the fact my Mom is Borderline & NPD & was an Alcoholic & Manic (decades of my life)..
Back to Poster.....I vote NOOOOOOOO!
This woman leaned over to me and said, “I just want to tell you that my mother lived with me too. I have no regrets. If I wouldn’t have allowed my mother to live with me then I would have regretted that I didn’t care for her in my home. You will never regret it.”
Mom was sitting right next to me so I couldn’t speak freely about my feelings. I wanted to scream hearing what she said, because I did regret my decision.
For one thing, who knows how long her mom lived with her. Maybe it was only a short amount of time and her mom didn’t have any major issues. Some elderly people are healthy overall and they simply die from old age.
Mom lived with us for 14 years, with health issues, which is way too long!
I am the type of person who can get through anything if I know that it is temporary. The stress of never knowing when the caregiving would end killed me!
We need to be aware of what our parent will need regarding their care. I was incredibly naive. Hindsight is 20/20. I certainly should have educated myself on how Parkinson’s disease progresses.
The responsibilities of caring for an individual that has a neurological disorder such as Parkinson’s disease or any other serious condition becomes increasingly difficult as time goes by.
I feel that living together places stress on the mother/daughter relationship. It changes the entire dynamic of a relationship and unfortunately usually not for the better.
One major change in dynamics is due to a role reversal. We are assuming the responsibility of becoming a parent to them by caring for them in our home. They in turn lose their independence and are totally dependent upon us. It’s sad really, for both parties.
Everyone needs to remember that your parents took care of you...every little thing until you were at least 18. You are complaining about helping her for 9 years...one day she will be gone...you still owe her nine years. As some on here have suggested that you need your space to form other relationships - it is called going to his place! It doesn't have to be yours!
No one's preference, etc. needs to be sacrificed! My daughter lived with me for about a year and we each basically stayed in our areas until we met up in the common areas for food, entertainment, etc. She may just want to know you are there for her. Keep talking together and make a plan. Good Luck!
mom, we’ve had a combative relationship on/off for years
i don’t have the mental or physical strength todo this
i love you, but you cannot move in. If we need to explore Assisted Living, or a visiting caregiver, let’s plan for it.
you are right, and I’m sorry if this upsets you, but I do NOT want you here. I can’t do more for you. I just can’t.
everybody is afraid to say the blunt truth. She’s an adult. If it makes her sad, it’s expected cuz she’s lost and scared. But you already know this will destroy what’s left for YOU
I AGREE THAT YOU AT LEAST NEED A PART TIME JOB
It will set clear boundaries.
PS So many do the Michigan to Ohio or vice versa ;-) Many end up in CA!
She is lonely and you are a convenient companion. She is not truly aware of all the anxiety she gives you. She needs new friends and new activities. Can she volunteer somewhere? Can you introduce her to a new activity like volunteering at a church or school?
Because your Dad has passed, her world is not as full as it used to be.
Good luck.