My parents’ home is falling down around them (multiple leaks in roof, sloping floors and ceilings, mold) but they refuse to move or make any repairs. They claim they’ve called roofers and no one returns their calls (the roof has been sagging for 10+ years). They claim the mold is just a stain from furniture being up against the wall.
I am at my wits’ end and just want them to live in a safe, clean environment. They are in their mid 60s and able to take care of themselves, but unable to keep up with their home’s needs.
What can I do to help them? Any time I try to discuss this with my mother she breaks down in tears and feels like I am attacking her personally.
I think what you can do to help is offer to make the calls or do the research for them online. Thumbtack is a good resource for small jobs, Angie's List for larger jobs, and their homeowners insurance is a good source of roofer referrals. In fact, their homeowners insurance will go DOWN if they get a new roof. Maybe if you mention that to your folks it will be a good incentive to look into repairs. Needless to say, mold is dangerous to their health. You can even buy a mold test kit yourself at Home Depot:
https://www.google.com/search?sxsrf=ALeKk03mqNedZLIQ5lsz5QuHt3MFCEIzNA%3A1608848946535&source=hp&ei=MhblX-yJHo6qtQbxo6_4Dw&q=mold+test+kit+home+depot&oq=mold+test+kit&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQARgBMgUIABCxAzICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADoECCMQJzoFCAAQkQI6CAgAELEDEIMBOg4ILhCxAxCDARDHARCjAjoLCC4QsQMQxwEQowI6BAgAEEM6BAguEEM6BwgAELEDEEM6BwguELEDEEM6CgguELEDEIMBEAo6BQgAEMkDOggILhDHARCvAVDKDViBL2CuO2gAcAB4AYABqgOIAdgTkgEJMy41LjIuMi4xmAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpeg&sclient=psy-ab
Last but not least, you may want to appeal to your father about the repairs if your mother is emotionally unequipped to deal with the matter. If you offer to MAKE the calls FOR him and set up the appointments, even be there for the estimates, he may be more open to the idea.
If not, you have one final recourse: let your dad know his homeowners insurance MAY be cancelled due to the condition of the house & lack of repairs. Read this article:
https://www.thebalance.com/insurance-canceled-lacking-repairs-2645716
If he tries to file a claim and an inspector comes to the house and SEES the condition it's in, his insurance can easily be cancelled & that's a serious problem.
Good luck! If they're acting like this in their mid-60's, I hate to think what you'll be facing in 10 or 20 years from now. :(
My brother and I are planning to approach them about this tomorrow (didn’t want it to sour the holiday) and you’ve given us the steps to put together a great action plan. Thank you again.
In some cases, mold can grow in the lungs causing aspergillosis pnuemonia, especially with a weakened immunity. Certain chronic lung conditions, such as emphysema or tuberculosis, can cause air cavities to form in the lungs which mold can grow.
Homes are extremely expensive to maintain, and judging from what you are saying it would cost in excess of $50,000+ to effect repairs. They may want to decide to sell the home and move elsewhere.
Leaking roof has to be repaired QUICKLY because the damage to the house will become astronomical.
Maybe find help to fix their home & present it in a way that doesn't sound like you're taking their independence away from them or criticizing .. only helping them. Be creative with reasons like ... cause they're so busy, you have access to more internet options and/or contacts, you just want to be sure & ensure their safety, etc... you get the idea .. and asking "please, let me do this for you.. it worries me" can also be helpful. It's a balancing act we all go through in matters like this. They do not want to be perceived as being incapable or needing help or face being moved from their home ~ scary for them and anyone.
You say they can take care of themselves but not their home's needs. This is when you have to not let yourself be fooled into thinking things like this, imho & experience. These are signs, friend. Please be sure to get them to authorize you on their bank accounts and bills so you can better help them as things may likely progress. Soon you will likely need to help them move to their next step in their lives, and thank God you're there to do this.
Oh, and in case you haven't thought of it, Mom may need help with feeding them and grocery shopping. She may be having troubles (under the radar stuff). If you can arrange Meals on Wheels & grocery deliveries & Rx deliveries, these are helpful while transitioning.
All the best to you.
My brother and I are planning to discuss this with them tomorrow, and will definitely take your advice to be creative with offering ways to help them. I think (hope!) that will go over well.
I could go along with early-onset dementia wrecking one parent's decision-making skills. But both of them?
I'm wondering if there is some hidden obstacle such as a financial mess that they've kept from you and don't know how to solve. When you and your brother talk to them, keep your ears open for what they're not telling you!
My brothers and I would do some small repairs but told them firmly that we would not invest money in a house that was falling apart.
Luckily they found out about a local program that offers grants to low-income seniors to bring their homes up to code. The goal was to keep seniors in their homes and out of facilities. They qualified for an outright sum of money plus no-interest loan that would be forgiven if they stayed in the house for 10 years. Dad was allowed to choose the contractor from a list approved by the agency so he felt like he had some control. He also kept a close eye on all the workers!
The best part was Mom lived in the house the 10 years required so they got 25k in free money! We sold the home to fund Mom's move to AL.
Hope you will be able to talk some sense into your folks. Best of luck!
If you have family members that can handle it, make sure create a contract showing exactly what repairs will be made, how much for each repair, and a completion date. Treat them as a contractor and make sure there is paperwork to cover each step of the process. If they get miffed or acuse you of not trusting them - explain that all of their money has to be documented as how it is spent and there has to be contracts to verify expenses in the even they need to apply for Medicaid Nursing Home assistance. Take care of it the right way so you don't end up with a never ending project with the whole house torn up and never completed.
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