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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Frames, it’s always best if the arrangements can be made by agreement with all the siblings who are involved. Perhaps you moved in a hurry because of a crisis, but it is still a good idea to put all the options on the table and get everyone to put forward their preferred options. I’d suggest that it’s particularly important if you follow up the suggestions to arrange payment to yourself.
You may end up with another sibling wanting to stand in your shoes. Your parents may have other ideas themselves. You may find that siblings are expecting strong religious views from you that they don’t agree with – end of life choices etc – and you may need to talk it through. You may find that the siblings are concerned that you will encourage a will leaving everything to you.
The best advice is usually to get paid a fair rate for what you do (minus an allowance for board and lodging), and then to split the remainder equally.
I'm going to assume that your elderly parents weren't coping with the tasks of day-to-day life and need care and that's why you moved in with them. Your siblings blame you for "taking control" of you parents' life. What were they doing when your parents' decline started and they began to need someone to do for them? In what ways were your siblings "stepping up" as they say to make sure the parents' needs were being met? I think the answer to both questions is probably absolutely nothing. Situations like yours are very common when one family member (almost always an adult child) carries the entire burden, and it is a burden, of caregiving to elderly parents. It becomes one sibling's job to do it all and take all the responsibility onto themselves. The job of the other siblings is to criticize how the one siblings is getting it done for the parents. When this happens, the other siblings become financial and estate planning experts too. They will put in many hours of hard work scrutinizing and making sure every penny mom and dad have is accounted for to their satisfaction. Of course making sure mom and dad regularly take their medication and a shower is only important enough to them to criticize how someone else gets it done, but not so important that they're willing to do it themselves. Does any of this sound familiar to you? I'm sure it does. I think your options are don't work for free. Rent-free room and board in your parents house isn't enough compensation to put in a 24 hour day 7 days a week as their caregiver. Start charging a weekly wage for yourself, then pull it of their bank accounts. Make sure there are air-tight records of your pay too. If you don't have your parents POA then take them to a lawyer and get it. The siblings that do absolutely nothing for your parents except criticize the care you're providing don't get a say in any of it. If your parents don't want to put you as their POA or make any adjustments legally in writing to make sure you don't get screwed, then let them know that you will no longer take care of them. This may sound harsh to some, but really it isn't. So many times elderly parents don't want to incur the wrath of their other kids who do nothing for them by changing how the money and finances are administered. They will hold tight to their belief of leave well enough alone if they are being taken care of. Nope. This might work for them and everyone else involved but don't let it work for you. Take your parents to a lawyer. Get their POA and start transferring assets and accounts into your name. Be honest about it too. You won't get greedy or underhanded. You take what is fair for what you're doing for them and do it legally.
Are you the POA? Are you being paid as per an agreed upon plan of care? What complaints specifically do your siblings have? More information would help us answer your query. Knowing so little we are left with wishing you the best going forward.
Not sure about a daily email. I have one SIL that would appreciate it and one I am sure wouldn't. When we were cleaning out my MILs home getting it ready to sell, I told this SIL when she called, what we had done because her DH was the son and the POA living in a neighboring state. I was told, in a snippy manner, she did not need to hear that everytime she called.
I would wonder, though, why their attitude. Are they willing to step up to the plate? Are they afraid you will get something they won't? As a former priest you should have lots experience handling different types of people. Instead of looking at them as siblings look at them as your parishioners. How would you help solve this conflict among a family in your congregation? As my daughter says turn the tables on them. She says shuts the other person up. It may sound sarcastic but like I said, ask them are they willing to move in and help their parents. Really, 90 is getting up there. There has to be some decline. Someone needed to just "watch over" them. You would think they would be glad u stepped up to the plate.
I hope you have POA for each parent. If not, and they are still of sound mind I would get them. I would have not cared for my Mom without it. It is a great tool and will help you to make decisions for them when they can't.
Family can get very weird in this situation. Your best strategy is transparency. Get everyone's emails and send them a daily update that is very brief -- just the basic facts like: took Dad to doc appointment for his foot pain. Diagnosis: corn; Action: removal. I helped dad and mom do this today, etc. Send everyone the same exact facts only email. Doing this keep everyone on the same page at the same time AND it shows them how much work you are going in a day. Don't include any commentary or emotional content. Just facts.
Are you being paid to care for your parents? If so I'm hoping you have a contract and you are also making provision for time off and vacations, etc.
If your siblings aren't liking what you are doing then you can ask them what solutions they propose? Who has the PoA for your parent? Hopefully someone does. If it is not you but another sibling, then this is the person you should be in constant communication with for sure. Good luck!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You may end up with another sibling wanting to stand in your shoes. Your parents may have other ideas themselves. You may find that siblings are expecting strong religious views from you that they don’t agree with – end of life choices etc – and you may need to talk it through. You may find that the siblings are concerned that you will encourage a will leaving everything to you.
The best advice is usually to get paid a fair rate for what you do (minus an allowance for board and lodging), and then to split the remainder equally.
Your siblings blame you for "taking control" of you parents' life. What were they doing when your parents' decline started and they began to need someone to do for them? In what ways were your siblings "stepping up" as they say to make sure the parents' needs were being met?
I think the answer to both questions is probably absolutely nothing.
Situations like yours are very common when one family member (almost always an adult child) carries the entire burden, and it is a burden, of caregiving to elderly parents. It becomes one sibling's job to do it all and take all the responsibility onto themselves. The job of the other siblings is to criticize how the one siblings is getting it done for the parents. When this happens, the other siblings become financial and estate planning experts too. They will put in many hours of hard work scrutinizing and making sure every penny mom and dad have is accounted for to their satisfaction. Of course making sure mom and dad regularly take their medication and a shower is only important enough to them to criticize how someone else gets it done, but not so important that they're willing to do it themselves. Does any of this sound familiar to you? I'm sure it does.
I think your options are don't work for free. Rent-free room and board in your parents house isn't enough compensation to put in a 24 hour day 7 days a week as their caregiver. Start charging a weekly wage for yourself, then pull it of their bank accounts. Make sure there are air-tight records of your pay too. If you don't have your parents POA then take them to a lawyer and get it.
The siblings that do absolutely nothing for your parents except criticize the care you're providing don't get a say in any of it.
If your parents don't want to put you as their POA or make any adjustments legally in writing to make sure you don't get screwed, then let them know that you will no longer take care of them. This may sound harsh to some, but really it isn't.
So many times elderly parents don't want to incur the wrath of their other kids who do nothing for them by changing how the money and finances are administered. They will hold tight to their belief of leave well enough alone if they are being taken care of. Nope. This might work for them and everyone else involved but don't let it work for you.
Take your parents to a lawyer. Get their POA and start transferring assets and accounts into your name. Be honest about it too. You won't get greedy or underhanded. You take what is fair for what you're doing for them and do it legally.
No where does this poster say her siblings were doing nothing
What complaints specifically do your siblings have?
More information would help us answer your query. Knowing so little we are left with wishing you the best going forward.
I would wonder, though, why their attitude. Are they willing to step up to the plate? Are they afraid you will get something they won't? As a former priest you should have lots experience handling different types of people. Instead of looking at them as siblings look at them as your parishioners. How would you help solve this conflict among a family in your congregation? As my daughter says turn the tables on them. She says shuts the other person up. It may sound sarcastic but like I said, ask them are they willing to move in and help their parents. Really, 90 is getting up there. There has to be some decline. Someone needed to just "watch over" them. You would think they would be glad u stepped up to the plate.
I hope you have POA for each parent. If not, and they are still of sound mind I would get them. I would have not cared for my Mom without it. It is a great tool and will help you to make decisions for them when they can't.
Are you being paid to care for your parents? If so I'm hoping you have a contract and you are also making provision for time off and vacations, etc.
If your siblings aren't liking what you are doing then you can ask them what solutions they propose? Who has the PoA for your parent? Hopefully someone does. If it is not you but another sibling, then this is the person you should be in constant communication with for sure. Good luck!