My 2 siblings & I are rotating and taking care of my elderly mom at home. Why does she treat her son much better than her daughters?

Why indeed?

My mother ADORES her sons and we girls are kind of second hand citizens.

She felt that my dad loved me best, so there's that. Whenever she gets mad at me (often) she will just say "Well, your father loved you best", which instead of making me feel BETTER makes me feel WORSE.

IDK--whole books have been written about this and I don't get it. I have one son and 4 daughters. I love them all the same, but differently. They tease that I love my son the most, but I most assuredly do not.

Now they all have kids, they understand better that you can have one child that is more enjoyable to be with--doesn't mean you love them more. They're just easier to spend time with.

In my mother's generation, men were idolized and worshipped even more so than they are nowadays. My mother still flirts with men and she's 94 with dementia. She has an entirely different personality with a man than she does a woman, which is why I always bring my husband with me when we go to visit her in Memory Care. Her sharp teeth come out with me, with him she's sweet as pie.

In her family of 8 siblings, the boys were treated much better than the girls. One of the boys was a monster, yet he was treated like gold until his dying day. Lots of excuses were made for his disgusting behavior, too, believe it or not, which I could never understand. But hey, he was a MAN, after all. So apparently he could do no wrong. Ask his children though, and they will tell you an entirely different story that would curl your hair.

In my mother's generation, women were groomed to be servants, men were there to be waited on BY the women. Women were second class, men were first class.

Hopefully we have broken that cycle of dysfunction in our generation, at least to some degree. I pray the current & future generations will continue to blast thru those stereotypes and expectations put on women & both sexes will be treated equally forever more. Fingers crossed, right? :)

You don't mention if Mom has Dementia. If so, you may just have to roll with the punches. Even then, you may be able to set boundries. If no Dementia, then boundries need to be set and ur sister has to be on the same page. With people like ur Mom I am not beyond a little threat.

"Mom sis and I don't deserve the flack you give us. We are no longer children but adults and need to be treated as such. We give up our lives and families to come care for you and u don't appreciate it. So, if we can't get on the same page here we may have to consider an AL or LTC facility for you. Or you can talk to brother about caring for you. But if things don't change you are going to need to find others to care for you and that costs money"

And favoring ur brother. Besides being something that has gone on for years, itsca cultural thing. My Aunt was Italian with two sisters and a younger brother. The brother was favored.

My 91 year old MIL is the same way. She has a son (my husband) and a daughter and she has always respected and treated her son better. He didn't cause her as much trouble so we thought that was it, but once grandchildren came along, the pattern continued. I also have a son and daughter and she hardly knew who my daughter was (now she doesn't know who anyone is), even though she is the sweetest person alive and does things for her expecting and receiving no pay. My son won't go over there for less than 20 dollars. She adored my son and he was a juvenile delinquent for many years! All of the trouble he got into was excused and she would take him in when we told her not to. It was awful. I do think it is generational. It's aggravating as heck though.

many mothers are jealous of their daughters.

she’ll say she’s behaving that way because YOU did x, y, z...she’ll always blame you.

don’t believe it.
you’re sweet and helping.
indeed, you’re very likely super angelic in all the kind ways you help.

she’s JEALOUS.

Most of the time, when a son moves away they will spend more time with wife's family. Daughters tend to be there, more so, to help mom as she ages. The daughters will be the first to wipe a rear end for mom when that time comes. Commonly, mom would never think of having son do the personal things for her when there is a daughter (who already probably stepped up the plate). The conversations between mom/daughters would naturally have more conversations if they are the ones who were primary when help was first needed.

With all of that said, I think that moms long to have their sons around and often come up with a reason son needs to come and do something. Order of birth can have something to do with it, too - oldest or youngest.

You'll read here how sons are quite often the golden children. Maybe sons sweet talk mom more. Maybe mom wants them closer. Who knows. What I will say is the person who is there the most often can get much more back talk than those who rarely visit and I think that's just because of the missing history of what has gone on between caregiver child and mom.

Mothers always expect more from their daughters..I do not know why it does not seem fair. Loving caregivers are soon taken for granted and sometimes resented because it reminds them of what they can no longer do. So sorry for what you are going through been there myself and it hurts.God bless you and keep you strong.Give yourself a break and let your brother take over for a bit. Then he will understand too what good sisters he has.

I am the only girl. I did the most for my parents.

My father was always appreciative. My mother expected me to do everything. She never wanted to impose on my brothers.

Mom always felt like men were more important.

It was a different era with different attitudes.

Men were waited on hand and foot. Women were servants.

I feel for you. I came from a large family of 6 children (2 boys, 4 girls). I was number 4, until my one brother passed and am now smack dab in the middle.
If you do any reading on middle children, they are suppose to be the negotiators in the world, but in their family of origin they are also the invisible ones. Never heard or listened to. Basically dismissed. Maybe that's why they become negotiators in the real world? lol

I would go elsewhere to find good caring friends and loved ones, and move forward with my life, and then family of origin members would get jealous of me. So, sometimes it's a no win situation.

I felt I never got much care growing up as there were too many other children to take care of, in particular the one sister older than me because she was often sick with allergies, bronchitis, pneumonia, etc. Luckily I was a physically healthy child. :) And aside from her there was another favorite. Every family has them, although the parents will never admit it.
(I swore I would never have that many children. Each could not receive the love and care they needed to grow up feeling loved, heard, cared for, and healthy, and I would never play one against the other as my mom often did and still does to meet her needs...)

In my parents era, as others have said here, the males are the 'more important ones' and handle all the financials for them, etc. Thank God that's changed, finally. lol
My other brother is the last male left and mom signed him over to be the POA for her. He doesn't want to do it, and his wife does lots of it for him. He's a good guy, but just doesn't want the responsibility or even know how to handle it all. It appears the females do most of the work and care, at least in our family's case.

The youngest sister is the 'golden child' who has been in numerous trouble, but can never do any wrong. example: Her 4 children who don't wear masks or even got the vaccines (one of them did get covid at some point), were allowed in to see and visit with Grandma for Cmas. Mine were at first told they couldn't even visit, but told later, only if they stayed outside, even though they came in from another state they got tested ahead of time, wore masks the entire time, (even in my home) etc., they had to stay outside to see her. I was not allowed to even visit her at C-Mas, because she was 'too tired' with all others visiting her. (Some of this was sibling driven also...) That was extremely hurtful to not only me, but my children. So, you just learn and move on...

It's unfortunate that parents do this to their children, and many unknowingly, but it does leave its long lasting effects. As adults, we have to process through all of this, and wake up to taking care of ourselves and our needs with understanding of what our parents did to us, both bad and good. Obviously they're not perfect, as no one is.

My lesson learned is to never treat my children that way. I'm sure they'll complain about some of the things I said or did to them, as I'm not perfect either, but I pray I do a better job. ( You do the best job you can with what you know at the time.)

So, when you wake up and see how you've been or are being treated, you learn, and don't go back to your old ways of just giving, giving, giving hoping you'll be seen and heard when it's not appreciated, but expected. Then you get to decide what you need to do to heal your wounds and how to handle things moving forward.
Just remember, you have value and should be treated accordingly. If not by others, at least by yourself! I wish you well in finding what works best for you and your mom and family.

It depends on your mom's condition, the reason she needs to be taken care of. If she's a stroke victim, the stroke may completely change her personality to the point that she may seem to be possessed by a demon. That was my experience with my mom. It will be a sad and difficult experience that only gets worse until she finally passes away. You have to brace yourself for that and understand that it will never get better, only worse. I used to read the bible to my mom just to distract and calm her. Especially the book of Proverbs. It's a relaxing book of the Bible

I hope this was just a generational thing and mothers are different now. My family valued the boys way, way more than the girls. Actually, most of society did. (I am a female) I am old now, but if I think about it too much, it really bothers me, and I realize I was emotionally, physically and educationally neglected as a child. Mother continued to make big deal over the boys even when they became adults. Even my oldest sister, who never married, treated the brothers like gods until she died. I don't remember the boys doing anything special for either mom or sister. This doesn't help your mother's behavior, but just know you are not the only one.

You've had some great answers here. My Mom behaved in quite an evil manner towards me as she suffered with untreated mental illness for most of her life. Finally she was sectioned for 4 months and saw a psychiatrist. He and the nurses said that patients are often much more unpleasant to their family than "outsiders," I wonder if your Mom feels she has to be on better behavior with your brother than you. If there's any way you can find a bit of humor in this, it will help. My brother suddenly abandoned my parents and I had to step in after being estranged. Their house was a shrine to my brother with not only pictures of him on every wall but also pics of his pets. Finally found my pics in a baggie, pinned to a hanger in their closet. As I told my friends, we began to laugh.

Because she CAN! Sometimes, it seems to me reading and hearing these situations that the role expectations are sexist, daughters expected to be the caregivers of all, and sons, well, they are the breadwinners, have to go to work with paid jobs, so any care THEY provide is above and beyond and screw the daughters. Think of what would happen and the pickle mom would be in without you 3 daughters chipping in. Maybe it is mom who needs to consider that or have a dose of reality and you all take a respite break and let her see how she does...though I know that would probably feel like you were all abandoning her and be very hard on you women....This is all just another version of the out of town sibling BS: the one who is present (in my case nearly dying) to do a good job doing all tasks is taken for granted, while the out of town one who wouldn't lift a finger, wouldn't consider returning to help, shows no empathy or compassion for the one who stayed, is so BEloved and appreciated and adored. What DOES she do? She calls about 2x a week and mutters those oh so sweet words to the sucker's ears: I love you daddy. While the one who stays, cleans, cooks, scrubs clothing and floors, meets so many demands finds it very hard to love the same person(s). Good luck to all of you!

You need a big hug, because you are trying to be a good daughter when your mother is not giving you the love and appreciation you deserve. Sons are often the favorites with mothers. And mothers also expect less from their sons in terms of care and housework. I don't know why that is, but I've seen it happen often, and my husband (the youngest and the only boy) says it was like that when his mother was alive. But you can try to have a better relationship between the two of you. Why does your mother think you are selfish? I'm not saying it's true, but are her expectations of you more than you can give? Can she afford to have aides or hire help to do some of the things she'd like you to do? Unreasonable accusations are sometimes an indication of beginning dementia. Is everything set up with your mother for POA (medical and financial) if she is no longer able to care for herself? You may have to discuss with her what you are able to do for her and what you can't.

Your story though really sad, resonated with me and reassured me that I wasn't alone. But after being abused and used by my parents and siblings who are both males, I now have stopped believing I am the victim. I try not to take any of their abuse personally, I feel what they say is who they are, they are evil so they pour out evil - how can anything else be expected from them? How can they be expected to see the good I have done since they are incapable of any? For my part I still do what I need to look after my mother ( father passed ) so i never look back with regret. After all I am answerable only to myself.

This is such a common one! Why? It is awful isn't it? As if we don't have enough misogyny from (some) men, why do mother's collude with it too?
Arghhhh!

Mom's of that generation are of the opinion that men (their boys specifically) shouldn't be bothered with such things as caregiving for their own mothers (that's women's work). It's expected that women will and should do it, but that men are more important and their lives and work are more important than sitting around taking care of relatives (even their own moms). Plus, there's that embarrassment factor of a male family member having to deal with intimate issues (difficult for an older lady). When my mother was recovering in assisted living, my husband took a few shifts and my mother seemed genuinely surprised (though pleased) that he'd take time out of his busy schedule for her. She made a big fuss and introduced him to everyone at the assisted care facility, like he was a CEO of a Fortune 500. It was cute, but I can assure you she didn't do the same for the female members of the family. 😉

She’s part of a generation that largely shows deference to men. By the same token, women are often seen as household help, care givers, nurturers. She’s not changing, but what you choose for yourself certainly can. I’d leave every time I was yelled at or accused. No one deserves that

Have a camera installed and watch their interactions.
You may learn something.
You can also playback things that happen between you and your mom and see if things could have been handled differently.

Prayers

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It appears that most of the posters here are female, and they are discussing interactions with their mothers. However, I've wondered if the "reciprocal" relationship is similar. My maternal grandfather seemed to be critical of me, but to him my sister was more or less the "golden child". For example, when I didn't understand what he wanted at one point, he just said "you're so damned dumb!" (but I didn't let this bother me because two universities have certified otherwise). He outlived my grandmother by nearly 6 years, but while the latter was alive, she pointed out that my grandfather had three brothers but no sisters growing up, so when my mother was born (an only child), he was so happy to have a daughter, and this feeling extended somewhat to his attitude toward his two grandchildren. However, my grandmother added that even though he behaves this way toward me, he brags about me to other people. I would have been happier if didn't say anything to others but was kinder to me!

I think my father preferred me, but that was probably because I was more obedient than my sister was while we were growing up.

While growing up, I wasn't athletic enough, and my sister wasn't a good-enough student, to please our mother. I've never felt a calling to have children, so I guess I've done my part to allow such silliness to die out.

I personally think it has to do with understanding one's own gender. Mothers understand what daughters go through growing up; fathers understand sons. Each will give more slack to the one they don't understand.

I will never know how someone can be so kind to one and so horrible to another one. Regardless of why, it is unacceptable and she should be told in no uncertain terms it stops at once or she will have to make arrangements for the son to are for her l00%. And naturally talk to the son and make him aware of what is going on. He may or may not believe you - doesn't matter. He needs to know and you need to back off helping if she does not stop. Once their behavior is ugly and impacts you, that is the beginning of the end and other arrangements must be found. Stand firm. Walk off if it does not stop.

My mother has doted on my brother since birth.  I had to work a job while in highschool to buy my own prom dress.  When I asked why my brother didn't have to work, I was told he needed to rest so he could play sports.  My mother even made me memorize his social security number when I was a child and when I asked why, mom said he may need my assistance one day so I needed to know.   My brother does not do anything for my mom.  I had to sell her house, sell her car, pay her bills, file her taxes, pick up her meds, take her to dr appointments, do her laundry, etc.  I have my own home and a full time job.  He refuses to share in moms care and rarely visits her now that I've moved her to assisted living, soon to be memory care. But she always asks about him...it's always about him.  You just have to take a deep breath and take the high road.  Recognize that you're the better person for it.  I know it's hard but when your mom accuses you of stealing something, just change the subject or laugh it off....or if you are feeling particularly cheeky that day, suggest that maybe your brother took it. LOL

My husband’s sisters have been my MIL’s primary caregivers. My husband was not made the POA/Agent, so he couldn’t make any decisions for her. She has been considerably nicer to her son than her daughters. When she had all her faculties it was the opposite. I think it’s just a case of “good cop” vs “bad cop”. My husband visits, but he doesn’t tell her what to do.

Just the way it is. In my mother's day, males were more important than females. When I was a kid for example, if my mom decided that there wasn't enough food, my Grandfather, Father, and my little brother got the food and I did without. This happened especially if the food was meat. Grandpa and Dad worked, so they needed the meat, my little brother was sickly, so he needed the meat. I would have to sit at the table and watch them eat and I didn't dare ask for any.

One time, when I was a working mom with 2 girls, and mom lived with us, I was cooking dinner. Mom looked at the ham and decided there wasn't enough for all of us, so she said, "There isn't enough for all of us, Jack will get the meat, because he works hard" I told her, What the Hell did she think I did, and in this house we all share and share alike. She got mad and went to her apartment. That left more for the rest of us. :-D

Very common. Use it to your advantage. I'd try to get my elderly mom to leave the house and go for a ride in our car and I would get a lot of push back. My husband would just get up and say "get up and get your purse, we are going out", and she would get up, get her purse, and head for the door.

When you and your sister have an issue that you think will be a challenge with mom, alert your brother and when things don't work out, it is his job to issue the commands.

It just is.

I am moms main caregiver ie male....my brother is 1 yr older and works 15 hr days but is not the "caregiver" type.....but my mom never ever questions anything my brother does and questions everything i do.....she also doesnt like the way i do things ie cook, clean ,etc and so i get told about that...but if my brother were to ever cook or clean - its always fabulous.....i think it boils down to my mother being afraid of being herself around my brother and feels more comfortable around me....but if we ever have to persuade mom to do something - i always ask my brother to do it - she will say yes to anything he says and no to most things i say(even if its the same request)...she loves us both but its a very differant relationship.....esp since im doing everything....

Because you are the scapegoats and he's the golden child! Please look up daughters of Narcissistic mother's! I understand your feelings! So far this morning, I've been hit in the crotch with a cane and swung at! God be with you and your sister! Remember, you can always come here to vent and ask questions!

Imho, this occurs all too often. I had been living with my late mother out of state for over half a year, but I got treated poorly by her - the cinderella syndrome. When my sole sibling finally arrived for just two days all the way across country, he was welcomed by mother, akin to gold.