My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.
I know it may sound insensitive, but if you continue holding this in, you will harm yourself.
This is so true. Some people simply can’t handle dealing with others who are sick. Some people are truly selfish though. Hard to know but no one can be forced into anything.
Mall done with moms permission.
Took control of her life and kept her under my care to make sure she is cared for. I call my mother in law as mom.
My mother thankfully made my sister and I equal on everything, but didn’t consider probate so some of that had to be changed.
would be inheriting equally from my
mother. I “suggested” to her that maybe the boys should be participating in the caregiving (they couldn’t; they live 2K miles away) whereupon she decided that maybe she should see to it that I get a bit extra. Don’t put up with it, girls; the days of unpaid “women’s work” are OVER!
( my sister has helped the past 2) . I did probably 75% of all “ care” by children for my stepfather ( compared to his own 2 lazy kids) but inherited nothing. I did it because I loved him and wanted to help him. With my mother , I do what I need to do to be at peace with myself.
Grace + peace,
Bob
First, as others have pointed out, an inheritance should never be considered a repayment for services rendered. If you want any deserved compensation from your mother, that needs to be worked out and paid while she is alive and you are delivering the care. Second, I have seen the type of resentment you express split families, with siblings never speaking to each other after their last living parent's death. Do you want that to be the legacy you have with your brother? Your mother probably would not want that or she wouldn't have left equal shares to her children, because unequal shares will split siblings just as easily as unequal care-giving responsibilities will. Resentment destroys relationships.
More important and of some urgency, does your mother have a designated power of attorney, a medical power of attorney, and a living will? If not, and if she is still competent, she needs to execute these documents immediately, presumably naming you and your sister as primaries. And if you want legally enforceable compensation, you will need her to execute a caregiver agreement (contract) as well. (See: https://www.americanbar.org/groups/law_aging/publications/bifocal/vol_37/issue_3_february2016/creating-effective-caregiver-agreements/).
The bottom line: to reduce (because you can never eliminate) the risk of conflict between siblings, everything needs to be in writing, just like the will. If your mother is already suffering from early stage dementia and is not competent then you will have additional issues (i.e., a likely need for a guardianship) and greater urgency. But if the will is recent and properly executed, it should probably be left as is.
I care for my Mom because I want to (my choice) and not to get anything from her.
Jenna
I can't think another man's thoughts. I can only guess. I also figure that my guesses are probably wrong. So I keep it to myself. For now though, I believe that you have enough to worry about without adding the thought of who gets what. Mom probably wouldn't like it.
Maybe you should just keep doing the excellent work you're doing caring for mom. Make every day as good as you are able. Talk to brother about whatever comes up, doing it with love. Resentment should just be put away. Love each other because it's your mom. That's what she would have wanted.
I'm not trying to be a bragard, but my sister and I never brought up who gets what. In fact, I wanted nothing. I'm the eldest child. I was the first baby Mom ever held in her arms as a young 17 year old girl. She said we were children together. Still, I wanted nothing. None of it meant anything to me except some pictures and a few old letters.
Anyway, you do what you believe in your heart is the best thing to do. Don't do anything that you know is wrong. Like duh, huh? Anyone knows that. Peace.
This is a sad but not uncommon situation. What's 'fair' may be difficult to achieve.
I have asked my brothers until I am blue in the face. Selfish people don’t help.