My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.
This whole inheritance thing is a very fraught issue for a lot of folks. For many, the idea of a parent paying a child for caregiving is anathema; for what it's worth, if you want your adult child to give up her/his livelihood to care for you, it's the ONLY way most folks can survive.
I have dear friends who are sisters. One sister is a retired teacher with a great pension and a husband who was a divorce lawyer. They are not hurting for funds. Other sister, who lives closest to their mom is a self-employed therapist/counselor, divorced with two young adult children.
Their mom is a somewhat narcissistic self-indulgent person who did not do a lot of "mothering" of her kids. Mother is getting frailer, needs help getting to doc appointments, packing to visit other daughter, etc. Every hour that therapist daughter takes out of her day to help her mom costs her in income. Shouldn't she be paid?
Her sister and BIL (rolling in cash) roll their eyes at the idea.
I don't.
Yes, inheritance thing gets awkward. I don’t see anything wrong with a child being paid. I gave up my income but from what I see a mom has to be on Medicaid. OP’s mom is not on Medicaid and she said she didn’t qualify for it. My mom isn’t on Medicaid either.
Does her income stream allow her to afford Assisted Living at this time? Getting her into a facility that she can adjust to sooner rather than later, given her hearing issue is critical. (Edit. Your profile says that mom is already IN AL? Does she need NH level care now, since her stroke? Why does someone need to provide 24/7 care if she is in AL?)
You and your sister are both elders with health issues. You should not have to kill yourselves to provide your mom with unreimbursed care.
I understand a parent wanting her children to inherit equally; inheritance is based on degree of kinship and not the amount of burden shouldered.
But ultimately, there is no inheritance until mom's care needs are paid for, however that gets accomplished. If your brother gets upset that mom's funds are being spent on her care, then he can step in and provide for them.
I think OP left.
My mom passed four yrs. ago. The last ten years of her life I became as she called it her "lifeline" It started out with getting her groceries, her prescriptions, escorting her to doctor's appts. and then just grew from there. When she got into her late eighties/early nineties I became responsible for everything. She lived five minutes from me and we were always close so I guess I was the logical choice. My five living siblings just let me. They barely did anything. When it was time to transition mom into a nursing home I made all the arrangements, decorated her room, bought her a new. t.v., made the place feel like home. Mom and I were very close but I was never under any illusions that when the inheritance was divided that I would receive anything more than anyone else.
I never hoped I'd get more. What I had hoped for was a special acknowledgement in the form of a personal letter or something similar when she died. But no, there was a letter for all of us that spoke of us as a group. So even though I'd cared for her more she always thought of us as equal. She loved us all equally and that was that. She didn't keep track of who did what and if she had I still think it would have been the same.
So salutem, maybe you are hoping for an acknowledgement that you are special and maybe the money isn't the important thing at all. Maybe you will get that. But if you don't, don't be surprised cause I think a lot of mother's just love their kids unconditionally and that's that.
I was mildly hurt that my mom didn't write me a special letter but knowing my mom I also know that she maybe thought that it went without saying and that I knew she appreciated me. Maybe that's why she said I was her "lifeline"
I hope you get what you are hoping for in the end but if you don't please don't let it seize you up inside cause it would be all for naught anyhow.
I found this response very touching. You are a kind and understanding, compassionate soul. Take care.
nasty behavior.
As to "...men don't engage in that kind of caddy, nasty name calling..." maybe you've never heard of Trump? He is the Despot of "caddy"...
Said it in another post - of all the posts I have read so far, none are what I would call "arrogant, rude, and presumptuous", nor "caddy"... most were merely pointing out that a will is a will, this is what mom decided to do with anything left when she passes, whether we think this is fair or not (most likely most would vote not fair, but it isn't up to ANY of us what your mom decides or how the inheritance is split) AND many suggested perhaps seeking some recompense now (a recent post talks about illiquid funds, but is there not some income stream, even if just SS? If she's in AL, perhaps SS is not available - perhaps if there is no money that can be provided now, then as others suggested, consult with Elder Care attorney and see if a care-giver contract can be drawn up that provides a set amount at TOD? Even if possible, mom would likely have to agree to this.)
AND, you said "...I've decided that you people are a bunch of angry, frustrated women..." Last I checked there have been a number of MEN who have posted here as well... Not sure they would appreciate being lumped into "...a bunch of angry, frustrated women..." Also, I do not consider myself ANGRY or FRUSTRATED, despite the fact that I provide most (99.999%) of the care, visits and mom-needs, but will have to split equally with my brothers (one of whom was abusive to me as a child AND again as a senior!!! Does he deserve it? No. Is it fair? No. Is it my choice, no, but I also choose to do this because they can't/won't.)
Most every poster here has been rude and disagreeable at one time or another, yet we all hope for understanding that it is a tough time and we are drowning hoping for a glimmer of hope or a kind word or just acknowledgement that it sucks and we are not alone. Is that no longer the purpose of agingcare?
This poster has been around a while and maybe stays in the back ground, but she has every right to be here and to have a bad day and lash out when she feels attacked, we all do it, let's show a little understanding for someone that is obviously feeling overwhelmed and desperate and is angry.
I am paying all bills and handling her finances etc. now and it is a burden. And it’s not fair. HOWEVER...I have laid down the law to both my brother and her that she WILL go to an AL when it is time...her money will pay for this..and I will insure she is properly taken care of. Don’t expect any “inheritance”. I don’t want or need her money, but I’ll be damned if he just waltzes in and gets “half” after doing nothing but live his life and go on vacations etc while I have to deal with the daily issues of someone who has dementia and other conditions. I’m trying very hard to not be resentful, but it’s creeping up on me. For all you that say the OP is greedy etc....well I applaud you all for being saints. She is not greedy, but has a mother who is a burden and a brother who deserves a kick in the seat pants.
Salutem, I think it’s time for you to find a facility and let Mom’s money pay for her care. You need your life back....and you can believe me when I tell you that she is not going to change her mind just because you are sacrificing your life. Your health will be next to go. And yes, I’m also very angry with my brother. You are not alone. Hang in there!
Thank you though for recognizing this, it makes me feel a lot better. Unfortunately our situation is complicated because much of my mother's assets are in real estate that is jointly owned with her brother-in-law and we have already spent over $100,000 in legal fees trying to get her share which is close to a million dollars. Yes, my health is deteriorating rapidly, I am diabetic and have complications. I think you are right, we do need to prepare for an assisted living situation. I don't know any other way of doing it.
But I do just stew in the fact that she is adamant about my brother getting an equal share of everything without expectation of him having to do a thing. I'll have to come to terms with that I guess because I don't want it to stop me from spending time with my mother, not just for her care needs but I sit with her and remind her of old stories about her mother and father, precious memories I don't want her to lose.
I want these moments to be precious moments I carry with me for my lifetime. I have work to do though, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words
And there is a difference in EXPECTING help and ACCEPTING help.
There is a difference between ASKING for help and DEMANDING help.
I would have edited my comment but it would not allow that but this is a good thought on it's own.
He had been diagnosed with dementia probably Alzheimer's but I think he also had Vascular dementia.
I would not have traded anything for the time I spent with him but I did have caregivers that helped. I did have Hospice the last 3 years. I would not have been able to do what I did without the caregivers, Hospice and the help I got from the VA.
Would I want anyone of the kids to care for me the way I cared for their dad? The answer to that is a resounding NO! (and I did not expect them to care for their dad either)
They have their lives, their children and their own problems why would I EXPECT them to provide 24/7/365 care for me? It is not and would not be fair to expect that of them. After seeing and realizing what I was doing for my Husband I took out Long Term Care insurance. Other than my mortgage it is probably the largest expense that I have that pops up once a year. But I pay it so that I don't want the kids to have to worry that they will be put in a position that they will have to provide care for me.
I think a parent that expects their children to care for them is being selfish.
A parents "job" is to raise self sufficient children that grow up, leave home, build their own lives (if that means having a partner in life and children great) and care for their family. Part of being an adult is to save..you save for your first car, house a vacation. You save for retirement, "Social security" is a supplement NOT your entire retirement account so you save for "when you get older" that money is or should be used to provide you care NOT to be "hidden" so that your children place you on Medicaid so there will be something left for them to fight over when you are dead.
Use the money saved for good care. That could mean paid caregivers or a quality facility.
A "home" is just a house that contains family and love. Once the home becomes a "house" sell it, no one really wants it, no one wants the "antique" furniture, the collection of "Precious Moments" or Cookie Jars use that to pay for care as well..a few more months of quality care is better than a building filled with old furniture and resentment.
Getting down off my Soapbox for now!
Round of applause from me! Encore! Great explanation! 😊 Love it!
You’re a sweetheart to feel as you do.
I know a family that had 2 sons and 2 daughters. The daughters took care of the elderly mother for years, doing EVERYTHING. The sons did NOTHING to help. The mother owned 2 farms and substantial land. Finally she passed. Her will left $10K to each daughter and A FARM went to each son! The mother actually believed this would work out nicely.
No one here was judging, presumption, nor arrogant. I am sorry that you see it that way, but I guess, I would to if I didn't get the answers I wanted.
Do you know most of these people really take thought and time to answer your question? They really wanted to help.
What did you want to hear that your sister and you should inherit everything and your brother should get nothing. If you got that would that make you happy? I have a feeling the answer would be no!
Not that you care, but you are very rude and unappreciative. By the way, this was not just a yes/no question it was more complex as life is complex.
If you don't like the answers you were given then go try a different forum maybe there someone will give you the answers you want!
It's your time and labor, to do with as you please.
Like your sister, I am dealing with a few health issues right now. I am finally addressing my health concerns thanks to the good people on this forum who have encouraged me to take care of myself. If I don’t care for myself I can’t care for mom. I am glad that your sister is doing the same and you are so very kind to help out more.
I was wondering though, why is your mom resisting outside help? My mom was very dependent on me like yours is on you and your sister. You are wonderful daughters to care so much. I understand. I love my mom dearly too. Try to explain to her that others can do the same things that you and your sister do. She will adjust to it. My mom did and she is set in her ways, she’s 93!
My mom resisted outside help at first but now she is glad that I get a short break a for a few hours a month which I get as respite care through Council on Aging. They will do an assessment for your mom like they did with my mom who has Parkinson’s disease and if she qualifies like my mom did you can get a break for a few hours.
Also I have received caring advice from all who have posted suggestions to you. They have a lot of experience and I am grateful to everyone for their help. We all care.
No one is trying to tell you how to feel. You are entitled to feel however you do. It’s only suggestions from our own experiences but you have to do what you feel is best for you and we respect that.
"My sister and I care for my 91 year old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?"
"I would not accept payment because I do it from my heart. I just feel that it should be acknowledged that some have made great sacrifices, while my brother has been completely selfish."
"All that I do for her including protecting her from isolation and feelings of abandonment I do without reservation."
You don't want to accept money from your mother, and you help her without reservation from your heart, yet you want your mother to give more money to acknowledge your help.
I think you need to get it straight in your head and heart what you really want.
If you just want to be acknowledged for your help, will a thank-you suffice? If you want to be paid for your help, then ask for it. Be honest with yourself. There is nothing wrong with getting paid for your time. Your mother would have to pay someone to help if you weren't there to do it.
As for the inheritance, your mother obviously loves all her 3 children equally without condition, that's why she wants to give equally to each of you. She doesn't put a condition on your brother to help in order to get his share. She just gives from the heart.
So, to answer your original question, yes, your brother should inherit equally because that's how your mother wants it. That doesn't mean she shouldn't pay you for your work. But then you say you don't want to accept her money.
Uh... so what is it that you want?
I think I know. You want to get paid without having to ask. Well, that's not going to happen the way it's going. So, you're resenting it. If you want it changed, you need to make it happen. Like I said earlier, there's nothing wrong with getting paid for your WORK.
You explained that perfectly!
You said your sister previously did most of the caregiving? How long has she done it before you? How long have you been caring for your mom?
Have you discussed with your sister if you and she would divide funds equally since she has done most of the caregiving?
How is your sister doing now? Will she be able to help out more again later if her health improves? Do you feel you are getting burned out?
Burnout happens to the best of us no matter how much we love our parents. Just ask anyone here who has posted. We have all been exhausted at one time or another or still are exhausted.
I am with you and feel like if you are doing all the work then yes, I think you should get it all. But I know that is not how families work.
Since your mom said everything should be equal. I know you don't want to abandon your mom but the resentment and anger is real. Are you able to have a lawyer to talk her? Or arrange for alternate caregiving arrangements for her?
And even if your mom gave you everything, please know that won't be the end of your feelings of resentment. Because you have given a lot of time and made a lot of sacrifices to help her. The caregiving could still go on till she is a 100. How will you feel then?
Nothing wrong with asking for help. I think most of us have but we stop asking siblings when they don’t help very much. Have you asked your mother recently to help out financially? She may decide that she will help out some?
My SIL said to my friend that she didn’t understand why those who needed help didn’t ask for it. My friend is also a caregiver (to her MIL) and told her that we have asked and have always been refused. They have a million excuses. Plus she told her something I thought was a great answer. She said to my SIL that people don’t want to have to ask because it would be nice if they offered and not have to ask. It would be nice if your brother offered to help but people who don’t want to help aren’t going to offer. It’s sad.
So sorry that you are doing this alone. A lot of us are. My mom has said the same about dividing equally before too. Know how you feel. Have you explained any of your feelings recently to your mom? Maybe she has changed her mind. My mom has shifted her ideas somewhat on certain issues.
Many people on this site have crappy siblings.
Inheritance is a gift and it gets convoluted when some siblings are helping and others don't even acknowledge the parents existence, it creates bitterness that I believe would be minimized by getting paid for the care provided. If nothing else it leaves less for the absentee ones.
Have you and sister ever said hey dear brother, we need to have you step up and help mom by doing....? It is okay to ask for help even though they don't offer.