My sister passed away unexpectedly in February leaving behind her two daughters. I've been caring for my grandma full time for over a year and have been caring for her 24/7 since early December. All the changes have made her very irritable. I can't do anything right. Shes always making snarky remarks with everything anyone says or does. I know she's sad because of her grandchild passing, but she's more focused on her home changing, upset because I can't take her shopping as I have been, and upset because I don't want to cook exactly what she wants, as I've been cooking meals, instead of catering to what she particularly wants. The juggle in having to care for everyone in this difficult time is so exhausting, but she is my biggest stressor. I've been concentrating on the girls. They need as much comfort as possible. They've just lost everything. I can't get her to understand that this situation is affecting everyone, not just her. I fear I'm beginning to feel resentment towards her. She fears I'm going to put her in a nursing home so she begs me now on a daily basis not to do so which makes me think that she doesn't really care about me at all. I'm not even sure I've been able to grieve in a healthy way. There are custody issues involving the youngest daughter as well. I've been so busy, there's no time. This forum is filled with wonderful people that have been though so much and I'm just reaching out to those who understand.
Can you enlist Grandma's "help" (minimal though it may be) with focusing on the girls? Perhaps the upheaval in her life is causing her stress but also feeling there's nothing she can do to help the situation. I don't know how old the girls are, but if she can read a book to the youngest one or just be a sympathetic ear, then perhaps she'll feel more included and have some purpose of her own.
This is a tough time for all of you, and ideally you all need to band together to support one another. You've all suffered a terrible loss.
Clearly, you are an excellent granddaughter and aunt. You have been totally selfless and it’s taking a toll on you.
I am equally concerned for you as I am for your nieces. Of course, I understand that your grandmother is suffering as well.
I certainly understand that you are starting to feel resentful. You deserve to be able to grieve the loss of your sister.
Your grandmother most likely has a fear of the unknown. The thought of entering a facility is frightening to her.
Tell me, what do you want to do? Don’t answer this question with what your grandmother wants.
What are your desires in life? Your dreams? How old are you? How old are your nieces? Are you considering raising them? You have so much on your plate right now. I’m sure that you are completely overwhelmed by all of this.
Can your grandmother hire a caregiver from an agency to sit with her for a few hours so you can take a break?
Have you ever contacted Council on Aging in your area? That would be a good place to start. They can do a needs assessment on your grandmother and if she qualifies you will start receiving a limited amount of hours of care each month for her.
If you feel that you can no longer do caregiving then please consider placing her in a facility. She will adjust and you can visit her.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.
My grandma's house is supposed to go to me after she passes. Before the death of my sister I was setting myself a time limit on my grandma's care, and willing to sell her property and place her in a care facility because the stress in caring for her alone with no help was overwhelming and extremely isolating. Now I have the girls. The circumstances have changed. Sorry for all the venting.
You must push back when she starts acting up. Put her in her place, gently but firmly. You need to act as the adult with authority, and not an obedient grandchild. That is your role now, you have two children looking up to you. So, step up to the plate.
I take it you all live in your grandmother's house?
You cannot be responsible for your nieces AND your grandmother.
BTW, where is your mother's generation in all this?
*Your grandmother has had a chance to live her life.*
It is time for you and your nieces to live yours.
Your responsibility is to THEM, now, not to cater to your grandmother’s wants and whims.
Sell her house, place and visit her.
Find a new home for you and the girls.
Do you have POA, if not does anyone? Its time to place grandmom. You can start the Medicaid process because for now her house is an exempt asset. If you sell, Medicaid will stop till you spend down and then when money is gone I guess u reapply. Her SS and any pension will go towards her care.
If grandma has no children, then I guess your it to place grandma. If there are and they are uncooperative, then call APS. Tell them u can no longer care for her and family is being uncooperative.
Sorry you even need to go thru this. When there are children, grandchildren should not be asked to car for grandparents. That 16 yr old needs a mother. Big things coming up for her in next 2 years. Not saying the little one doesn't, she does too. They need your undivided attn.
Unfortunately unless there are other family members willing to step up to the plate to care for your grandma, the house needs to be sold and she needs to go to a facility. To be blunt she has lived her life. Your nieces have the right to be cared for and helped through this awful time in their lives. This is a trauma and how you support their recovery from this huge loss will affect them for years to come.
Your priorities have now changed. Start thinking about what needs to be done to place your grandma asap.
Regardless, it’s time for good by Granny. Message a two week notice to any surviving children she has saying you will no longer be her caregiver and then let them deal with her. They’ll have to either have to deal with her themselves or put her in a facility like they should have done a long time ago.
Granny’s life is effectively over at this point and it’s time for you to move on with your far more important responsibilities.
Your grandma is sounding as though she isn't suffering from dementia? Can you tell us a bit more about her age, what she can do for herself and what she cannot? That's important. You say you have been caring for her for some time. Would just like to know why she requires 24/7 care.
You have been left with your Sister's girls. Is this permanent. That is to say have they no father? Are you now legally their guardian?
Until you give us to some answers to the above it isn't clear to me that Grandmother could not do OK on her own with visits from you and a bit of watching over. However, if she is not able to take care of herself, but IS capable of understanding (that is to say not demented) it is time to sit with her. Enlist her aid. Tell her that you not only are not thinking of placing her, but you need her aid in raising her grandchildren. That the two of you owe this priority of care to the girls, who are young, and with their lives ahead of them. That they would benefit from her teaching, her stories, her pot roast.
Much of all of this depends upon your Grandmother. Yes, she has had a tragedy, but the priority for you BOTH now must be the girls. If she is so dependent that your care of her precludes your care of these girls then she WILL have to be placed, and if she is capable of understanding she must understand that.
For yourself, you need to see an attorney. You need a plan of care for grandmother, and it should be legal. If you are not her POA you need to be and you need to be what that entails as their are legal obligations of record keeping, etc. You need legal advice about the girls, making certain they have applied for Social Security if they are now orphaned, need legal care of them and access to whatever the state has to help you.
Again, your first obligation must be to these young girls. I hope to hear more from you about grandmother's condition. I sure wish you the best.
The girls have different fathers. The older sister's father passed away 4 years ago, and the youngest has a father that has been mostly absent, and is, for a more polite way of describing him, not a very good person. He had physically Abused the older girl while my sister was in a relationship with him. I'm fighting hard to keep her. There's a lot of tragedy and I want these girls to have a chance in life. I'm doing everything I can for them. I'm in the process of getting custody for both girls.
Annit, do you have someplace else you can live with the girls? It sounds as though grandma might be happier living alone with hired help.
She certainly doesn't appear to appreciate what you're doing. When that happens to me, I stop helping.
I see you are currently living in Grandmother's home. If she goes into placement without adequate money to pay for it, then clawback on the home from medicaid will likely take most of its value, and it will little matter that the home was to be left to you.
On to the fact that the youngest girl is now being fought for by her father. Under the law I am afraid that it will little matter that the Dad saw little of her when your sister (her mom) was living, because the Dad will say that the sister made it impossible for him to visit her. He is only fighting for the younger girl? Does this mean that the elder girl is not his daughter, but the daughter of another? Is there child support from either Dad?
Is there any chance under the son that you could do family mediation so that you could raise these girls TOGETHER with the loving support of the Dad? It would make a huge difference to this girl's future, that she wouldn't enter adulthood looking for a Daddy. And you would likely be able to keep primary custody (doubt he really wants it) if you shared her. Perhaps financial support as well. I know it may not be possible, but just a thought.
Again, wishing you so much luck here. A hard situation you have yourself sandwiched into, for certain. You appear to have the support of us all. You clearly have a kind and caring heart.
Among the many options offered I liked...
https://blog.aginglifecare.org/blog/options-for-overwhelmed-caregivers/
Other options may suit you better.
What jumped out in the article from the above site was the following line...
"Consider hiring an Aging Life Care Professional™ (also known as a geriatric care manager)". You'll find it pretty close to the beginning of the article under the 2nd indented paragraph, printed with green lettering, that starts with "Call on community resources".
Trying to do your best and then trying harder, and feeling whipped because your best is not working, you're becoming more and more short sighted, and overwhelmed.
If someone complains to me that I'm not in earnest doing my best I'd say "Hey, you know, you're right. What the heck am I thinking? I'm not a professional and you deserved better"
Then you get that dang ball rolling and hand this head-banging, never-going-to-get-better your way situation to professionals. Contact doctors, social workers, etc. Referrals may lead to dead-ends. Go down another track and keep going until you get things situated.
You must get outside help. You have an unreasonable responsibility with your grandmother, you are hurting, and the cherry on top you have completely pushed aside you're right, the necessity, to receive respect, kindness, appreciation and expectations of reasoning.
Granny may not be able to be reasonable but by your doing you're purpetuating this turbulent situation. Their is no magic. I've know you're situation. You're being mashed. It's very difficult while you're in the thick of it, but you MUST get help and you MUST have personal peace in order to think clearly.
How can you make good judgements while theirs a brain and heart eating monkey jumping on your face and in your ears. You're going to be whittled down to bad health and then you're doing more harm to everyone and yourself.
Simply think - this is garbage and it can't be sustained, and I must be doing wrong (only because you're not a professional and so awefully tired) and because no one is happy.
If your efforts are not working, hand the thing over. You are not a mule.
You are the orchestrator, and you will become the oasis of peace and sense.
Physically, sit up straight, and when you stand, stand straight and tall. Don't stand like how you feel. Stand like how you'd like to feel.
The only, only thing you have to do is to make sure gramma is fed, sheltered, clean, dry and warm at some facility. All you have to do is visit, and leave.
Also, your grief is not to be brushed aside as unimportant in all this mess, but grief is very often endured "in a healthy" and better way if you become the comforting, stabalizing, dependable hero to your sister's children.
By example, teach them how, when they become a grief supporting adults, to behave. Smile with reassuring eyes, hug them, or just listen. Their returned hugs, or if they just linger with you, will be your solace.
Little by little help them to focus on life. And here and there remind them of the good and sometimes fun lessons their mom gifted them.
You're going to have to make hard choices. It's more important that you care for the girls. Teach them how one manages. Compassionately show strength by making hard but reasonable decisions. You're not only caring for their wounds you're shaping who they will become.
Resentment in you is a red flag. All it means is that you should not continue what you're doing.
Your grandma's fears - You know you're not going to put her on an ice floe and left out to sea. Just reassure her.
You say that granny begs you on a daily basis not to place her in a nursing home…If you could talk to her, say "We have to do what's best for the children, I love you, I'll always be there for you", and walk out and have a hot tea. More often just be pleasant, give her a blanket or something showing care, say nothing and walk out everytime.
I'm having a tough time with actual documentation that he is unfit now. All I really have is testimonies and of course his previous record. I'm scared to death I'll lose her. He is seriously a textbook narcissist. The youngest one is aware of how he is although she loves him and I won't say anything bad about him in front of her. It's all tragic. There's so much more going on and I'm getting hit on all sides. Thank you for your prayers ❤️
If so, she def gets a say in this situation.
How are you doing today? I hope you’re thinking about the next steps to take to resolve this situation.
You have given so much of your time and energy to help others. I seriously hope that you will take the time to plan for your own future now, especially since you have decided to raise your nieces.
Please look into placing your grandmother into a facility. You can oversee her care and visit her as often as possible.
Will you be moving back into your home? Aren’t you married? I vaguely remember your previous posting.
You have struggled with this for a long time. Your grandmother is very fortunate to have such a wonderful granddaughter to care for her for as long as you have.
I adored my grandmother. Fortunately, she was healthy and didn’t require any care from our family.
Grandma lived in her own home. She died suddenly. Her heart just stopped.
She had watched my grandfather linger in the hospital and said that she wanted to die quickly and without any pain. She got her wish.
Annit gave up living in HER OWN HOME to help gma who can no longer manage on her own.
Annit is going to move back to her own home with the girls. Gma, who is competent but physically disabled (and critical of Annit's assistance) will need to arrange for her own care.
You have a very beautiful heart and soul. Be at peace with going back home.
Your nieces are truly blessed to have you in their lives. I don’t think you will have an issue attaining custody of your nieces.
We adopted a precious baby girl. She’s all grown up now. Then we had a biological child. I have two lovely grown daughters that I never thought I’d have. I was married for ten years before I held a baby in my arms.
Life is unpredictable and usually holds many surprises in store for us. My mother and father didn’t expect my aunt and uncle to die in their forties. They selflessly raised my cousins.
You’re going to be a wonderful influence in your nieces lives. Your grandmother will accept her fate if you place her and she will eventually understand that you did what you had to do.
After you take the first step, the rest will fall into place. Don’t be discouraged by any setbacks. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll get there.
Saying the GM should ‘have a say’ is fair enough, except that if the ‘say’ is ‘I want it back just the way it was’, ‘her say’ is not the point. If OP goes for Respite Care, it’s temporary to help resolve the crisis, not to “kick grandma out of her own house because you and your nieces want a place to live without her”.
Respite isn’t ‘kicking her out’. Neither will it be ‘kicking her out’ if OP and nieces leave and GM can’t cope without going into care. Or if she has a meltdown that leads to the same outcome. GM can help, or she can take steps that will ‘kick herself out’.
Perhaps it would help if you could just give helpful suggestions on the best thing to do.
Criticising father2 should be brief, because it comes across as dislike between adults, and the court has to look at the best interests of the children. Make it clear that he can have visitation rights (every other weekend is normal). I’ve met one person who wanted sole custody because it would enable welfare/ pension benefits. Visitation doesn’t cut the welfare mustard, and it often peters out after a while.
I'd suggest that you don't try to place GM right now. It adds one more major stress to an existing stressful situation. Ignore her when she complains, just do the best thing you can now. Ear plugs can help cut the winges, and they make a statement about what you can listen to at the moment. She would need eviction proceedings to get you out right now. Wait for things to settle down before trying to solve things with her.
Ignore any critical comments that you get here, don’t bother about justifying yourself, you have bigger issues to cope with. Love, Margaret
How do you go empathising with OP whose sister has just died suddenly? And with the ‘tween and teen’ who are now totally reliant on OP. One now a double orphan and the other with a father ‘mostly absent’, an abuser and ‘not a very good person’? I’d be trying to keep my head down, hoping it all got settled ASAP – not making it worse.
The fact she’s living with them at grandmas is already a red flag. If gma needs to be placed in an al or mc, that’s what grandmas money and property is to be used for. Not her, not the kids she took on.
You said that if gma objected to the children that you’d have to leave with them. But you’ve only been there a year. If hubs and home are still there, then that’s where these children should be.
This is imperative in getting custody of 2, being that you’re in a battle with the father.
But you’re living at gma s. You have now brought in two children living under gma s roof with gma. She as owner of the property is also subsidizing these two by providing them a roof, and it doesn’t sound like she’s a fan of this plan either.
Love itself does not conquer all in legal situations. You need to provide evidence that they’re living in a stable situation, meaning your own money and property.
You cannot kick grandma out of her own home just because you’ve taken over these children. If grandma truly needs to go for her own sake, then her house gets liquidated so she can pay for her own needs, not that of you or these children.
Just for reference, my dh had to be at work in an area of Queens devoid of public transport at 5.30 AM. My grandkids both go to special programs in two different districts, located a 45 minute drive from each other. Bussing would not be available if I moved either of them. And those schools were an hour's drive from DH's workplace.
My mom lived in Westchester, technically a 45 minute drive from my home in Brooklyn. But more like 90 minutes in rush hour.
So, if I had been trying to juggle the needs of two youngsters and my mom and my dh, none of whom were all that far geographically on paper from each other, it would have been the $hitshow that Annit is facing.
It just seems to me that Annit is attempting to be the do it all for everyone.
Annit, you deserve to be supported in your very stressful situation. I am sorry for the negative judgement from a few posters. Please focus on the many positive and supportive replies and ignore the rest.
Many hugs to you. Don't go. Please.
It’s so sad that Annit and her family are going through this. Life can be very challenging at times. Somehow, most of us make it through it.