It gives me more time to focus on my elderly mother with dementia, it hurts really bad! My husband and my son are in a close relationship right now, but I can't stand the silent treatment from my son. I had never thought I would be in this "sandwich generation", and both sitations are difficult In and of themselves.
Those weekends our son came with me, he was on a bowling league so Saturday mornings were his time and then from there we would leave for my mothers and two other weekends he would stay home with my husband helping with our house chores and the last weekend we would all go to Mom’s so my husband could do minor chores for her or spend time with his father and siblings.
The days for her appointments (I was fortunate that I could usually string a couple together on the same day) was like a regular work day. I left for her house the same time I usually left for work and we’d get one appointment done in the morning, go someplace for lunch and then have another early afternoon appointment. When we got back to her house I made sure she was set for dinner and headed home to get our dinner and make sure the husband was up for work.
The real struggle was the last summer she was alive. Our son broke his ankle the weekend before the last day of school and was in a cast all summer. We ended up with a rotation of his friends that would come spend part of the days I was working with him. Mom was demanding more of our time so we spent a lot of days in the car traveling back & forth.
I guess the point was to make sure Mom was taken care of but also make sure our son had time to do what he wanted as a teenager and be able to spend time with both our aging parents and his friends.
Teenagers think nothing their parents do is right as a whole. They think they know everything & that they know more than their parents. I think that's pretty normal. Don't let that bother you & continue doing what is right.
As other posters have said, it is difficult to understand exactly why your son has been angry for 2.5 years. Anyone that stays angry for 2.5 years over anything needs some serious therapy, in my humble opinion.
what im trying to say is that i know it seems hopeless and you may not have the energy to try but you never know what the future holds. one day you may end up needing him to care for you for some strange reason and while he is doing so he may be wondering why you never tried harder. i cant ask my dad why he never tried harder because his memory is shot but its a haunting question. one i will never have answered. i'll always love my dad but i wish i had felt more loved by him. i wish he had tried just a little bit more to understand. my therapist says that i need to just cherish those memories that i do have and try to let the anger go. its a long process. i hope you and your son build a relationship again. and i hope everything is going well for your mother
Balance is hard, but it has to be present for there to be any hope of harmony at home. Boundaries too. Mom can't get all your best. My mother would consume 100% of my time if she had her way. No amount is enough for her.
Even so, I am an adult who gets to control my day. My family comes first. My mother doesn't like that arrangement, but too bad. My teenagers have needs. My husband deserves time. We need to spend time together. There are activities and errands to run. I need downtime or I will come apart and be locked up myself. These are important priorities. I also have a full time career that matters to me. I would never ask my children to drop their lives because of me. That's unreasonable.
When mom was in IL, I was over there every weekend at least twice to run her around town to errands and see to her every desire. Sometimes it was 3 times a week. It was exhausting. No matter what I did, what I sacrificed, or what it took, it was not enough.
When she moved into the nursing home unit, I cut back to twice a month. All her physical needs were being met and I was no longer necessary to run here, there, & yonder all weekend long. I did not need to do her laundry anymore or clean her living quarters.
She's in secure memory care now, and we still go see her about once a month to six weeks. It depends on what else is going on. She always has a demand list a mile long for things she already has, but I just say "yes mom" and don't feel obligated to jump to it anymore. She has enough clothes. She has enough hair brushes and tooth brushes and socks and shoes and pajamas. It's still not enough. She no longer needs groceries or laundry or trips to the pharmacy or doctor offices. Everything she needs is onsite right there. We go visit to check on her, but the visits aren't long because she always degenerates into ranting and paranoid delusions everyone there is a fraud and out to steal her stuff and kill her. There's only so much of that I can take.
There is no rule about how often you need to go see your mom. If she's in a facility like the ones I'm aware of, there are activities and programs, and all kinds of things to entertain her. She has to be willing to participate and if she isn't, it is not your problem to fix.
Your son is the future and he deserves to get a prime piece of his mom's time. It doesn't even have to be a structured event. Just being together quietly is quality time together a growing boy needs.
Priorities and boundaries. You can't survive without them.
Is the household of two different religions? Is that why your Mom felt her grandson was breaking her heart because he wasn't following her religion? Did the confirmation classes coincide with something else your son wanted to do? Is that why there is still a chip on his shoulder?
I remember taking confirmation via the Catholic Church but that was light years ago, I don't remember it being any big deal, I don't even remember what grade I was in at the time.
Look at it this way. He's sixteen now and he's been in a grump with you for 21/2 years. (He's tenacious, I'll give him that). But that locates the change in his attitude at around age 13. I doubt if it's a coincidence that he was probably entering full-on puberty at the time.
"…made him finish confirmation class…" Hmmmmm. Unless "making" him involved physical force, I don't think you can make a teenager do anything he doesn't consent to, graciously or otherwise (in his case, otherwise). And so what if you did insist on his continuing? Did he get a lot of stick from his classmates about being a goody-goody or something? In what way was this a negative experience for him? I suspect that both you and he are citing this subject as the prime example of your crimes as an unsatisfactory mother, when the truth is that he is a little emotional maelstrom all on his own and it is in no way of your making.
I appreciate how unfair it must feel, but it is an excellent thing that your son has a close relationship with his father. Do you have any anxieties about his behaviour or his wellbeing otherwise? If a member of staff at his school thinks all is well, and he's eating, sleeping, going to school, turning in decent grades, engaging in sports and outside interests, has friends and is generally making progress, then rest your mind about him. He'll be fine.
What I devoutly wish for you is that this is a protracted phase which will, in its own time and its own way, pass. It is extremely painful to feel that - there's no other way to put this - your child can't stand you. Everything you say or do irritates the blazes out of them and you end up scared to open your mouth or assume any facial expression at all for fear of starting them up. As I remember it, there's a good deal of strangled crying and door-slamming involved while you stand there wondering what on earth you've done this time. And the mystery that my son's utterly charming, bright, articulate friends turned into beetle-browed hulking monsters once they crossed their own home thresholds…
Don't be afraid to carry on regardless. Look critically at how he is doing overall, and if there are material concerns then get your husband, in his capacity as Acceptable Adult, to step up and deal with them. If there aren't, be glad of it. Your son does need your continued, active participation in his life, of course, but he is not an infant who needs your undivided attention. Be yourself, and let him come back to you in his own time.
Angel
If your son isn't speaking to you for 2 1/2 years overs confirmation, I'd say some family counseling and individual therapy for him is in order. There is something far deeper going on here that drives that sort of dysfunction.
Fix those small problems when they crop up and don't wait until they become major family issues. I am hoping you can get your relationship repaired before he leaves for college. The more distance between you the harder it is to communicate in a open and honest way. Best wishes.
She lived with us briefly, very briefly, as it was unbearable for everyone and has been in AL for 3 1/2 years.
Today, I turn around and my son just turned 18 and he's been accepted at a good college. And while I'm extremely happy about that, I'm also extremely sad. The past four years have been a blur, literally. I feel like I've missed out on so much due to my mother's demands. And now this is his last year at home. It's so shocking how much this hurts. I haven't been able to process the march of time and now it's almost here...and so much to do with finding scholarships and all.
And mom just keeps on complaining about mundane things (pants pockets aren't big enough, etc.) like it's the end of the world! I mean really complains about things that it's enough to drive me crazy.
Now my son is not giving me the silent treatment, but he is pretty crabby a lot of the time. My heart hurts for you and for him. You know that it's not true that he wants "nothing" from you. He just wants your love and attention, though he might not even know that. We 'sandwich' folks walk a very hard tightrope. It stinks being torn between the two, but sometimes I've had to tell mom 'no' when it comes to my son. Or, like the sucker I am, I work twice as hard to try to satisfy everyone and end up exhausted.
It won't be like this forever, and I think your son will eventually come around. Our sacrifices for our moms will someday be seen by our boys as a lesson in caring . It's not like they're neglected due to a drug addiction or a gambling problem.
Even if he's grumpy make sure you give him a hug and tell him you love him. He may reject you, but deep down he WILL appreciate it. The teenage years are hard enough...let alone combined with an elderly parent. Mine doesn't have dementia too bad yet, but she's an extreme narcissist.
If he's still doing okay at school, he's fine. I'd take your friend's words to heart and add a few more hugs and make your son's favorite treats when you have time. I know, easier said than done!
Not to be flippant, but looking back I'd have loved a bit more silent treatment and a bit less arguing from my children. On the other hand, how long has this been going on? Do you think he is angry because he wants more of your attention, or is it just harder on you because you already have enough to deal with?
Your son knows you have choices, and he is resentful that you chose your mother over him. You don't want him to carry that chip on his shoulder the rest of his life, and he will if you don't make some changes.
You can pay someone to focus on your mother, you can't pay someone to focus on your son, only you and your husband can do that.
I would imagine your son may sense that he's not getting as much of you as he would like. Therefore, he's angry with you. I may be off track, but, I would still consider it. I know that sometimes I may discuss issues with my cousin too much when I get home. I have to remind myself to shut it off after a certain hour and not bring things up for awhile.