My mother is bedridden, wears diapers. My sisters and I work full time so we can't be there 24/7. Stepfather even leaves my mother alone sometimes or with my 7 yr old niece, by herself. He won't help with anything. My mother refuses to go to facility. What can we do?
Your mom should be spending her money on her needs, that's what it is for.
I think that she needs to realize that no one can effectively care for a bedridden paralyzed human. I think it is selfish to refuse to do something she doesn't want yet puts her children in a position to do things they shouldn't have to and maybe don't want to. If everyone refuses to prop her up she will have to do something different. Nobody wants to go to a facility, but sometimes it is the best thing for everyone.
I really would get the authorities involved and get her the professional help she needs.
If Mom is functioning mentally, she has to realize the risk being played with her life and it needs to be spelled out who is best to take care of her. Not saying take her to a facility, but get qualified help. And time isn't always on your side. I'd do it, either state involvement or a lawyer as soon as you can.
First, child and your sister have to get out of there. Your sister is at risk of losing custody of her child. The first priority is to get that child out of there.
Next you have to turn to social services if step father does not provide for his wife's care. You have to get your mother out of there.
It is going to be hard to do, but if you do nothing, things will get worse.
You all have the right to stop propping her up. No guilt, her choices have led to this situation and she doesn't get to abuse any of you because she is mad that she is where she chose to be.
It will be hard to say no and watch the fallout, but easier than giving her and her anger a couple decades of your life. Don't fall for any manipulation or woes is me nonsense. She needs to be in a facility and you guys need to be her daughters and advocates.
How do you think that all of this is affecting your 7 year old niece? Bitter, angry grandmother and mom falling apart because of all the stress? If you all can't face your moms wrath, please do it for that little girl.
Your stepfather needs to be referred to ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES, and their resources need to be divided. If disability or retirement benefits are involved, an adult child (YOU) may report this issue to Social Security and apply to be the custodian of her benefits, to ensure her personal needs are being met, if her husband refuses to.
A spouse has a duty of care and support. I don’t know what their joint financial situation is, but basic care needs must be met, and in such a way that no one is endangered...even if credit cards and other bills cannot be met.
I would try to discuss their joint finances with them TOGETHER. And if a child is not being properly supervised at all times, that child’s parents have some childcare decisions they need to make.
If your mother is of sound mind and refuses to go to a facility, not you nor anyone else, including APS, can force her. But perhaps your youngest sister can force the issue, by leaving.
Your stepfather is, after all, not likely to take over your mother's care: try giving him a choice between doing it himself, or paying for professional care services.
Is your younger sister going to be able to take this approach? It sounds as though you have all found stepfather a trying person to deal with.
I'm just mulling over the thought of a seven year old alone in a house with a person whose mobility is so impaired. Well, that in itself needn't be a problem - there are plenty of disabled parents, and nobody would think of taking their children away from them just for that reason alone. But how would you describe your mother's ability to function, aside from her physical disability? Is she able to direct the normal activities that go into what a seven year old needs?
What happens with your mother's continence care when she is left without adult support? How long is she on her own? - not counting the niece, that is, and the niece had *better* not be counted on for this kind of help - are you confident that she is not?