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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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You start by telling her "NO". She is now the wife. I have every sympathy with someone facing that "in sickness and health" down because I am 81 and my partner 83 and we are both well aware that the Grim Reaper will be visiting at some point and we hope his scythe is sharpened. Going the slow way is a crucible for the person enduring it, and for the entire family.
Your step-mom is now facing down the "bad as it gets" of wives everywhere. But this is HERS to deal with unless your father made YOU his POA and you accepted that duty.
Whether he remains in FL or comes home to Maine, it is now time for this blended family to get together in his behalf. Do pay a visit. Help Step mom to attend an Elder Care Attorney to get papers together, to do division of finances and to work on placement for your Dad. Whether that placement is there, his home now, or coming to Maine is somewhat a moot point, other than that it will be slightly better in the state of his residency.
Sorry, but this doesn't mean you take him in, and please decline to do so even temporarily. Once you do that you have painted yourself in the corner of having made your home his home, and having made his caregiving your responsibility.
I wish you so much luck in this dilemma and your step-mom as well, and of course your Dad.
Your father is your STEPMOTHER'S problem to care for, not yours! She needs to speak to an elder care attorney versed in Medicaid who can guide her about placing him in long term care. You have a small apartment and no experience caring for an elder with dementia. Period. You likely work, too, so what is dad supposed to do during your work hours? Just because step mom is burned out doesn't mean you are the answer. She can look into daycare for him, in home caregivers, etc. When the going gets tough, we don't dump our spouses off on their children's doorsteps, sorry.
Best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them.
You don’t take him in. Period. You’re not prepared for this, have no experience, don’t have room in your house, and your dad deserves better. Be firm with stepmom and wish her well with HER problem.
You will be exactly where your stepmother is, overwhelmed and without support. Is there any way you can work with her to find a more suitable plan that addresses his caregiving needs while also guarding the well being of you both? Her plan as it stands is simply transferring her burnout onto you
Don't let her send him to you! Her husband is HER RESPONSIBILITY.
She needs to see an eldercare lawyer and make a plan HERSELF. Let her know NOW you can't take him, don't give in or feel sorry for her. Dad is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Make it very clear you can't possibly take him in, you have to work and earn a living. You have no room or experience dealing with dementia. Dad needs professional care in a facility, not pawned off on you by his wife. Encourage her to see a lawyer and make some arrangements for him.
"Don't let her send him to you" is easier to say than to 'enforce'. Co-operation has a lot going for it, particularly for Dad. Being rejected by both daughter and new wife, at a time when he really needs support, has to be about as bad as it comes.
I am struck by how punitive most of these answers are to a ‘step mother’. If OP’s birth parents were still alive and married, no-one would be saying ‘don’t help your mother’ if Dad had an unexpected serious illness at age 71. There are three people here with a difficult problem, and co-operation is more appropriate than so much venom at the step-mother.
Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, and the care of someone with it can be very overwhelming, I know, as my late husband had it. This isn't the time to be thinking about moving your dad anywhere except perhaps to either an assisted living facility or memory care unit, preferably in Florida where his wife can still keep an eye on him and visit when she wants. With all the older folks living in Florida, I'm sure there are many great programs available to them to help in such a situation as your stepmothers, so perhaps you just need to explore those options with her so she doesn't feel so alone and overwhelmed. Best wishes in finding the right care for your dad.
The Step-Mother needs more help + the Father needs more help. This does not = the OP being 'the help'.
There may be burn out, not coping. There may be many reasons the Dad's wife cannot continue as she is (eg her own health, cultural beliefs, financial reasons, faith based idelas, family-helps-family values).
I've stepped close to that pond of need so many times.. when the caregiver thinks they are alone, are sinking in quicksand, have become desparate. If you lend a hand they pull you in. Step on you as they climb out. Leave you to drown.
No. Throw them ropes.
Advise them how to find their help. How to find their steps up & out. Do not be trampled underfoot.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
She is now the wife. I have every sympathy with someone facing that "in sickness and health" down because I am 81 and my partner 83 and we are both well aware that the Grim Reaper will be visiting at some point and we hope his scythe is sharpened. Going the slow way is a crucible for the person enduring it, and for the entire family.
Your step-mom is now facing down the "bad as it gets" of wives everywhere. But this is HERS to deal with unless your father made YOU his POA and you accepted that duty.
Whether he remains in FL or comes home to Maine, it is now time for this blended family to get together in his behalf. Do pay a visit. Help Step mom to attend an Elder Care Attorney to get papers together, to do division of finances and to work on placement for your Dad. Whether that placement is there, his home now, or coming to Maine is somewhat a moot point, other than that it will be slightly better in the state of his residency.
Sorry, but this doesn't mean you take him in, and please decline to do so even temporarily. Once you do that you have painted yourself in the corner of having made your home his home, and having made his caregiving your responsibility.
I wish you so much luck in this dilemma and your step-mom as well, and of course your Dad.
Best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them.
She needs to see an eldercare lawyer and make a plan HERSELF.
Let her know NOW you can't take him, don't give in or feel sorry for her.
Dad is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Make it very clear you can't possibly take him in, you have to work and earn a living. You have no room or experience dealing with dementia. Dad needs professional care in a facility, not pawned off on you by his wife.
Encourage her to see a lawyer and make some arrangements for him.
This isn't the time to be thinking about moving your dad anywhere except perhaps to either an assisted living facility or memory care unit, preferably in Florida where his wife can still keep an eye on him and visit when she wants.
With all the older folks living in Florida, I'm sure there are many great programs available to them to help in such a situation as your stepmothers, so perhaps you just need to explore those options with her so she doesn't feel so alone and overwhelmed.
Best wishes in finding the right care for your dad.
+ the Father needs more help.
This does not = the OP being 'the help'.
There may be burn out, not coping.
There may be many reasons the Dad's wife cannot continue as she is (eg her own health, cultural beliefs, financial reasons, faith based idelas, family-helps-family values).
I've stepped close to that pond of need so many times.. when the caregiver thinks they are alone, are sinking in quicksand, have become desparate. If you lend a hand they pull you in. Step on you as they climb out. Leave you to drown.
No.
Throw them ropes.
Advise them how to find their help.
How to find their steps up & out.
Do not be trampled underfoot.
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