My oldest sibling moved my parents and brother down to live next door to her 4 years ago after our disabled brother had a major stroke. Her expectation was that he would be able to walk with a walker and be able to return to the wonderful residential school facility he had been living in. Since then COVID hit, our father has had a fall breaking one hip and recently had a mild stroke. I live 3200 mi away and fly out almost monthly to assist and offer respite for my sister. Our mother has been the primary caregiver for our father and brother. My sister has worked very hard with them and been very generous, but the stress of it lasting longer and being more complicated than expected has been overwhelming. She is very controlling of their every move and has voiced the theory that "she has to treat them like children now." Our mother is very capable and handles all finances, etc. - so she is not incompetent by any means. This has created a great deal of resentment from her in turn. There is also a lot of triangulation where they will push what they feel should be done on my father who is non-confrontational and honestly not really fit to make decisions. He agrees and then they dictate what is happening to our mother, leaving her completely out of the decision making. The situation has had a tremendous negative impact on my sister's life and she is now exhibiting extreme burnout behavior. This presents itself in bullying of our mother, complete lack of empathy and kindness, frantic behavior, and volatile temper (my parents have referred to her as "the 3 faces of Eve"). My mother is actually fearful of her at this point. We recently had a very bad situation while I was at my parents resulting in a huge argument between my sister, mother and myself. Very heated and bad things said by all. My sister and brother in law have sent a text saying they are no longer going to be involved in their care. I have been at my parents for a month now and am doing my best to help line up in home care support.
Long winded - but I have seen many questions about a "narcissitic parent" - but what if you have a narcissistic caregiver situation?
The "burnout" in IMO is being caused because Sis likes to be in control. She does not need to be in control if Mom is handling things, she just needs to be there to help. As long as Mom is competent, decision making is in her hands. Dad is her husband. Its between her and him. She can ask for advise but its her decision.
Its time for sister to step back. Call their local Office of Aging and see if there are any resources available to ur parents. Senior bussing for one to get them to appts. Maybe a doctor who can come to them. They maybe able to help u with in home care.
P.S. does Sister hold POA for each if your parents? Maybe she is under the false impression that this gives her control, it doesn't. Its a tool for when parents start to decline and become incompetent. Financial POA is to make sure the bills get paid. No hands on is needed. A POA can hire aides to handle that on the principles money. Medical is needed to carry out the persons wishes when they cannot speak for themselves. I agree that the tables turn when our parents get up there in age. Yes, they can get like children but you don't treat them as such. You just recognize that you are now the adult in the relationship and they are now the child and work around that. You set boundries for yourself. They want things to stay like they always have been but thats not always possible. Easy, no, but sometimes you have to back off and allow them to realize they need to make changes.
Please note that up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers to a parent will die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Good heavens, your sister is trying to care for 3 adults, no wonder she is blowing up, anyone would in her shoes.
This is NOT a narcissistic caregiver situation. It's a cry for help.
At home help is not going to solve the situation. One aide will not be able to handle 3 adults at once. They, too, will become overwhelmed and you will be back to square one all over again.
The family will need to talk about moving to senior living facilities. All of this is only going to get worse, not better. I hope your parents can budget for maybe Independent Living apartment at a facility. And what is the current situation with your brother?