The police won't do anything about it and I am at the point where I do not know what to do anymore. I know my description of this whole entire situation will be scattered.
Anyway, this neighbor who is in his mid-forties is using, abusing and taking advantage of my 70 year old mother. He is sexually and verbally abusive, he’s manipulative, he asks my mother for money, he uses taunts, threats and humiliation, and he’s aggressive and persistent to get his way. When I say he's manipulative, he uses the “I love you, baby” and he tells her sob stories in order to get what he wants from her. And, of course, my mother believes all his ridiculous crocodile-tears stories. He has other girlfriends around his own age that he goes out with when he’s not abusing my mother. He often avoids and ignores my mother for weeks at a time, and then that’s when my mother tells me of the abusive things he does to her. Several times I have seen him making out with women in his driveway. He refuses to wear condoms with my mother. Whenever he needs something from my mother (be it money or somebody to abuse), he’ll come over and put on his predator charms, and then my mother will believe all his stories and lies, next she’ll forgive him, and last she’ll give him whatever he wants.
When I was at my mother’s, he barged in her home and he started grabbing, groping and kissing on her in front of me. I lost my cool and I told him to get the F out of my mother’s home and to leave her alone. Later that night, he called her incessantly as he relentlessly kept demanding her to go over to his home which she ended up doing. I tried stopping her from going over there, but she said, “It’s best I do what he tells me.”
I have spoken with the landlord, the police, and the Department on Aging, they are of no help. The landlord doesn’t care. The police and the Department on Aging won’t do anything because as they have told me numerous times that I can’t file a complaint for another person - they have to hear it from my mother. And, when they had asked my mother about the things I’ve reported, she told them that those things have never happened.
What kind of hold does that man have on my mother?
If she has, and you can prove it, you might get the authorities - police or APS - to take more of an interest.
It's still going to be tricky, though. On the face of it, this is a woman who is not old (70 isn't old nowadays) nor frail nor vulnerable giving gifts and sexual favours to a younger (but not that young, 45 is getting on for a toy boy) man. Reverse the genders and no one would raise much of an eyebrow, even.
You could tell him he's a repulsive tart. And you could show her the STD statistics for the over 60s and get her to get checked out.
What caught my eye was when the male neighbor came into your Mom's apartment and started being physical with her, when you were there to witness this. That sounded very odd, almost like it was staged.
Do you call first before visiting your Mom to let her know what time you will be there? Or do you come at a set time each week? Try throwing off the schedule, go at other times, or pop in unexpectedly.
Honestly, I am trying to wrap my brain around this, and right now this is the only thing I can imagine.
2) She went to his house on her own.
Sit with that for awhile.
Does she have a dementia diagnosis?
What is your mothers mental and physical health like? Is she a young, spry 70?
What is your mothers financial situation like?
What's your mothers history with men? Is she one of those women who always need a man in their life?
How do you know about the condom factor? Did she tell you and if so, why? Was she concerned about possible STDs?
What's your mothers social circle like? Does she have other friends and family? Does she have any activities she does regularly?
Does this guy ever do anything positive or useful for your mother? Fix anything around the house or maybe yard work?
What are the other neighbors like? Does your mother have any other neighbors she is on good terms with? Do you know any of her other neighbors?
Lastly, how old are you? I know you may be wondering why I ask, but there is a reason.
Thanks - if you could answer these questions you'll probably get some specific ideas for an action plan.
There are groups a victim can attend to get help with domestic violence.
Google "Domestic Violence". This is also under the heading: "Elderly Scams".
Your concerns for your mother are valid and I am sorry you are going through this. Don't back down.
Perhaps mom needs a mental evaluation. Frequently on this site we tell caregivers to wait for the crisis and then be ready to take action.
Can you get mom to give you DPOA? Convince her to move her funds so that they are not so readily available? Perhaps you could visit an elder attorney to find out what you can legally do to protect her. Unless she is independently wealthy she may be headed for Medicaid. If she is giving her money away she might have a difficult time qualifying.
Of course that doesn't cover the physical abuse. Your mom should go to a gyn and make sure she is disease free.
A therapist might help?
She and you need support to get through this.
Would she consider a job or volunteering? In a woman's shelter might be good so she could see what happens to women in similar situations. Her self esteem must be really low.
It's a wonder harm hasn't come to him he's such a disgusting character.
I agree with Sendhelp try to get her away from him into another apartment or on a trip or to spend a few days with you. If there is a drug problem you would probably be able to tell if you spent several days with her.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
I think the lesson from the authorities is she has to care enough about herself to take action. It's clearly not a simple problem for her.
You said: "He often avoids and ignores my mother for weeks at a time, and then that’s when my mother tells me of the abusive things he does to her. "
At those times, record the conversation. Ask her what does she want to do about it, and assist her to make a call to APS herself.
Then, in order to help her in the long run, you may have to detach during those times with the goal in mind that she will become distressed enough to call authorities instead of you alleviating that increased anxiety for her.
Has she asked you for help?
Can you help her move?
Is this man also possibly her drug dealer?