Both of my 79-year-old parents are mentally ill alcoholics. My sibling and I have been estranged from them for years due to their nasty behaviors and unwillingness to seek help. They are completely isolated and have been left to self-destruct.
They physically fight with one another, frequently fall, injure themselves, can’t cook/don’t eat enough, and now can barely walk and can no longer make it out of the house to pick up groceries. My mom is showing signs of dementia and has other debilitating ailments, and my dad has cancer. They neglect and abuse each other and themselves, and won't get checked out by their doctors or be honest about their drinking habits or accidents.
Unfortunately, they’ve reached a point to where they can’t get by without outside help, and are asking me since I have POA. I can’t even get them to agree to see a doctor, and they fly into a rage when I threaten to send an ambulance. In addition, I am concerned about their behaviors in assisted living and how they’ll treat hired help. Please help, what should I do?
Not your mess to fix.
I realize that this is a heartbreaking situation for you. I’m very sorry that you have been struggling to cope.
Please accept that you don’t have any control over your mom and dad’s behavior. They don’t even have control over it. Alcoholism is a disease.
The only thing that you can control is your response to this situation.
You say in your post to Southernwaver that you don’t want to turn your back on them. You’re not turning your back on them by calling for an ambulance.
EMT’s are trained to deal with all sorts of issues. Let them deal with whatever is going on rather than expecting them to be agreeable with you.
If you don’t want to relinquish your POA and call APS to come in, then at least call an ambulance and allow them to go to the hospital for care. Once they are admitted you can tell them that they are alcoholics. Alcoholics cannot quit cold turkey.
Best of luck dealing with this challenging situation. Also please look into attending AL-ANON. You will meet others who have experienced similar issues and will help guide you in the right direction.
Take care.
Call APS.
You and your sibling go to Al-anon . You can’t help those that do not want help . But you and your sibling can find ways to accept that your parents choose to live this way .
As hard as it is and I know 1st hand, we have to not get sucked into the black hole that our loved ones have chosen. You are their POA that means you make decisions for them when they can not. It DOES NOT mean that you have to become their caregiver, or anything else. Please get yourself educated on what your responsibilities are as their POA. I think every state has the information on their website. A quick search should guide you to the state statutes governing the legal requirements for a POA.
Rremember, they don't want help, just propping up to continue the insanity that they chose.
Eventually they will end up in the hospital and it will all solve itself.
Just send the ambulance. And consider getting rid of POA.
What happens if they no longer have a POA and no one to look after them?
If you & sister have been estranged, how do you come to know the details of your parent's fights, falls, diet etc? Is someone closer reporting?
Call APS. People who are paid to do this will check out their situation & interveen as & when required.
Call APS (Adult Protective Services) and have them come out. Tell them ahead of time that they refuse any kind of evaluation or medical care and that they're in danger on their own. Ask the police to do wellness checks too. If the cops see them living dangerously, they will act.
The dementia level will be the deciding factor. People have the 'Right to Rot' meaning they can live in filth and squalor if they are judged to be of sound mind. So, you have to just leave them to it. Let them fail. Hopefully the next fall won't be too serious and they will accept help.
You and your sibling would benefit from joining Al-Anon. I went to Al-Anon for years and the support and understanding you and your sibling will receive from its members is incredible.
Alcoholics are very manipulative to their enablers. Even the ones who don't have nasty personalities and aren't abusive. Like my ex-husband. He was a wonderful and loving man but he knew how to be maipulative to get what he wanted and to maintain the status quo.
You and your sibling are enabling them by propping them up and doing for them and this allows them to behave abusively and continue drinking. They know if they fly into a rage that you and your sibling will fall right in line and obey their commands.
That needs to stop today. Your parents need help. Whether or not the accept it has nothing to do with you or your sibling. Talk to APS. They will help out and can even advise you on how to get yourself removed as POA. Ask the police to do wellness checks on them. The cops will take action if they are elderly, sick, and living unsafely.
Good luck to you.
What do you understand your POA obligations to be?
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