Hi all, new to forum- I have a unique situation in that my father is elderly, but my mother is not, and dad is alone. Many of my friends don't understand because their parents aren't elderly, so I am seeking advice here.
My father married late in life to my mother, who is nearly 25 years younger. I am their only child, and they split when I was a teen. The divorce left me traumatized and depressed. Against my mother's wishes, I chose to live with my dad. Soon after my mom moved out, I began to understand why she had a hard time getting along with my dad. He can be very controlling and occasionally meets the criteria of emotional abuse. He has anxiety, especially when things don't go the way he pictured.
I'm similar to him in that I'm prone to anxiety and depression, with perfectionist tendencies. Our similar personalities can cause problems, especially when we have differing opinions. Overall, he loves me unconditionally and has devoted the last 30 years since I was born to making sure that I am set up well for the future. He took on the role of mother and father when I pushed my mom away. As a teen, I struggled with him greatly due to our differing opinions, but I have grown to understand him and truly believe that he means well and just lets his emotions get the best of him at times. He has always been there for me. I love him deeply.
I got married 6 years ago and moved out of state. My dad and I have maintained our close relationship over the phone every day. We do occasionally argue, but that is generally when one of us is under stress. I feel like our relationship has strengthened since I moved, partially because I have matured into an adult, but it could also be because we aren't living under the same roof.
Now that my husband and I have a baby, we feel inclined to move back to our hometown. All of our family and many friends still live there. We have no help with the baby here, and my husband works a lot. I'm currently unemployed, and since our baby isn't yet in school, the timing feels right for a move. My dad has offered for us to move into my childhood home. It is twice as big as our current home, and the mortgage is paid off. Financially, this seems like a great idea; the catch is that my dad would be living downstairs. I assume that the changes would be difficult for him but easier than moving him to another home or city. I like the idea that I could be there to help him (and he could help me while he's still in good health). I fear that he can't care for his large house much longer, and (selfishly) I know that I will be left to deal with the house when he's gone. His vision is poor, so it comforts me to know that I could be there for him. My husband is excited to be closer to his family again too, and giving our baby the opportunity to grow up near family is priceless. I'd like to think this could be a win-win for all; however, I have concerns about privacy/independence and my dad's controlling tendencies. I do think he would respect our privacy for the most part, but I don't want to isolate him in the basement. It is a finished basement with a full bathroom and mini kitchen, so he could stay there if we have guests and he doesn't wish to join the group, but I wouldn't expect him to stay down there 24/7. I want nothing more than to raise my child in a loving and happy home, and I know that we will have to move if things don't go well. I am scared to give up my husband's job and everything we have built for ourselves here, but I fear what will happen if we don't go back. My dad is 85, and I am his only surviving immediate family member. He has nobody except a couple of neighbors to check on him, and it isn't fair to expect them to do so. He doesn't want us to make our decision based on him and has been adamant that he wants us to do what will make us happy. I am very grateful for that. The rest of our family feels the same. I am torn and unsure what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate any advice.
You wouldn’t be asking us this question if you didn’t have a gut feeling this might not be right. Things sound rosy on paper but when reality hits it will be different. Personally I also see a bit of enabling in your relationship. Also the fact that you bring up money as a motivator is troubling. I’m a firm believer in young couples that have taken on the responsibility of being independent adults...be just that. Call me old fashioned but you should be independent of his money. Meaning live on your own within your own means. Your husband should have a new job lined up before you move. If you ultimately decide to move in with dad you need to pay rent. How do you learn to be an adult if you are still living off a parent??
Move to the hometown, let your child have relationships with family there but establish your own home. Dad should get his social needs met with others as well. If he chooses not to, that is his decision and he suffers those consequences. You can not be his whole world.
My husband is the head of our home, he has worked to provide my every need, when I worked all my money was mine. This entitles him to being the head of the house. Enter dad, who is controlling, emotionally abusive and self-centered.
No way was my husband willing to submit to my dad, who figured he was the oldest man, thereby he was the head of the house. His needs, wants and desires trumped my husband, in his head mind you.
My husband could not stand by and watch my dad treat me as his woman, doing his bidding and putting my husband 2nd.
Emotional and psychological abuse is nothing to justify away, when people have those tendencies when they don't get their way you are asking for problems, none of us always get our own way.
We talked about all of this openly and it was a deal breaker. I wasn't going to emasculate my husband for my dad. Period. When I married, my husband became my priority over every one.
Just something to consider, since you say he is controlling, I can't see him stepping aside and letting your husband be head of house, especially since its dads house. Please talk to your husband about these potential issues before you move, he doesn't have a life time history and unconditional love to help him get through your dads personality.
Your child needs both parents, together and stable to grow healthy and secure, this means making your marriage a priority.
I like that Dad will have an area to himself. To make this work, you all need to be on the same page. You have to respect his privacy, you yours. Agree he can eat dinner with you, lets say. But breakfast and lunch he is on his own. With a baby, you won't have much time to spend with Dad during the day and evenings are downtime. Boundries need to be set day one.
I see the advantages as maybe u not having to work so you can raise the baby. Dad being there to babysit if you need to run to the store or have dinner out with husband. Which by the way is a plus that husband wants to move home. But remember, there has to be some compromise here. Dad is giving you his home in return you owe him some "Dad" time. Let husband babysit while u and Dad have lunch out. Maybe make it a certain day a week, something for him to look forward to. If he makes a suggestion or advices, just say you'll think about it. He may be right.
You and hubby will need to understand by doing this, you need to work Dad into the equation. He may want to spend time with the baby or not. My Dad wasn't big on infants but loved toddlers. Its all going to take getting used to with some bumps but it may work. I know a man who is 99. Hard of hearing, a little slower but with it. He lives alone in his house with daughter next door. Of course she and her husband are retired.
Just remember COMPROMISE on both your parts.
If you do decide that your going to move in with your dad than I would have some action plans in place if it should not work out.
As BarbBrooklyn stated talk to an Elder Lawyer, money doesn't seem to be an issue, but care for a LO can be expensive. Beside it would make sense to just make sure that all the paperwork is in order and what assets should be save, for example, the house you plan to share with dad.
Another plan I would have is if dad becomes incompetent how are you going to handle that? Dad gets dementia become mean abusive, when what? And if you think, "oh my dad wouldn't be that way". Let me tell you with dementia anything is possible. My mother who I lived with and who never said a bad word as I was growing up and not aware of, there are days she sounds like a truck driver (as the saying goes). She would never talk bad about people, and she in most parts was nice. Now she wants to fight over the dumbest things!
What if things don't work out living with dad, when what are you going to do?
You really should put action plan together for such cases.
We all want to think our parents love us and they won't do anything to hurt us. But the reality is people change especially if they get dementia. I am in no way implying that your dad doesn't love you, but again things happen.
You said something about helping dad with the house. What if you & you family moves in and you and your hubby wants to change somethings in the house and your dad says, "no"! I'm talking about like furniture. Or you want to fix something and dad says, "no"! When what?
This all may sound so small and impossible to you but I ensure you it does happen.
My BF & I moved in with my mother, and like you I thought hey the house is to big for her to take care of, it needed a little maintenance nothing to big, and because my parents lived in it for 50+ yrs it needed to be cleaned out. And like you thougt hey, the house is paid off which is a bonus.
My mother was all for this. I have moved in & out of this house more times than I can remember and never had any problems. Until this last time of moving in with her. My dad passed away 4 yrs ago so, it was just her. I have to say, "I have never seen this side of her that I have been seeing. All of a sudden she didn't want me to change anything or fix anything. My mother didn't always showed me love but we talked a lot on the phone before I moved in, now we barily say 2 words in a day. All the time that I had to move in she welcome me with open arms, but not this time. She wanted help to pay some bills but she didn't want nothing to be removed out of the house didn't matter if she didn't see it for 4 decades didn't matter if it was broken. What I didn't realize that she had dementia she was in early stages so she was able to hid it for a good year or so. Had I found this forum before hand I would have made a different decision.
I just want you to be aware of the possibility that it just might not workout as you planned and have another plan in place. Protect yourself and your family.
I wish you the best of luck!
The changes that can happen are truly mind boggling and all the worst case scenarios should be considered and prepared for with an exit plan.
I think knowing what your deal breakers are up front is vitally important.
I would sell my house, get myself established in a retirement community with continuing care services, and use the capital I had liquidated to support my daughter and her husband in relocating their home and career back to the town, probably through some sort of trust or loan, outright gifts being both financially problematic and morally questionable. I would seek the advice of a reputable lawyer with appropriate experience of elder care and estate planning on the best way to do this.
I can appreciate the difficulty of putting this proposal to your father. In fact, I can't think how you would. But on the other hand, if you research the sort of communities that might suit him, and if you further research the sort of legal services he will need, and if you suggest he talk it over with practical, professional people, I would expect them to guide him towards reaching this conclusion himself.
He is, isn't he, above all tidy in his thoughts and preferences. A plan that is predictable yet adaptable to contingencies should appeal to him - especially if it offers the right kind of practical support to the daughter he loves and will help bring her and her young family home.
The freeloading/dementia question is a valid concern, but this would be remedied in that he wants to add me to the deed, I already have power of attorney on all of his accounts, etc. He is currently sharp as a tack.
I understand the red flags. I will keep your comment in mind. We plan to do a trial run to see how things go over the holidays, as my baby and I will be staying with him for a few weeks. I'm hoping this will help us in our decision.
It is the complication of me attempting to make this work while raising my child and giving up what we have here, coupled with his personality that have left me seeking advice.
When your dad ( with controlling tendencies) tells you that you're spoiling your child, "this is how it's done, let me show you, I'll spank him for you", what will you do?
When dad develops dementia and becomes convinced you're freeloading no-goodniks and calls the cops to arrest you because you've broken into his house, what will you do?
These are all scenarios that have appeared on this forum.
If you'd always gotten along famously with your father, you wouldn't be seeking our advice.. I see red flags.
Moving in with your dad does not follow logically from " he's getting older, it's not fair to rely on neighbors".
If you are starting to think dad needs help, start by getting a professional " needs assessment" Find out what assistance is available in his community. Visit Independent Living facilities, Continuing Care Campuses, explore with him what choices are available near you and near him. Approach this in a planful, thoughtful way.
It will also give you the opportunity to see his ability to roll with the punches of the aging process. If his reaction to your suggestion that it might be a consideration for him to move to be near you is one of rage and vituperation, you'll have a pretty clear answer.