My 91 year old father lived alone but has increasing trouble with forgetfulness and daily needs. He can dress himself, walk on his own, play the piano and be very charming and with it but then he forgets what happened in the present. He makes numerous phone calls to all our siblings because he can't remember that he just called.This caregiver is trying to train my father to rely solely on him and to change things that my father used to do and that brought him comfort. My brother stayed upstairs in the evenings and the caregiver wants him out and wants us not to pick up my fathers phone calls . I
The caregiver can work around family visits.
Even though this is a red flag, (attempting to isolate the patient) maybe the caregiver can be trained. The caregiver should not be making demands.
Just fire (delete expletive) the caregiver, report to the agency.
This is way more dangerous than you may know.
We've known the caregiver for two weeks. I think it is crazy to give him total control.
The caregiver has already divided the family.
Why would your other siblings want your brother out?
Who is the one spokesperson, the one in charge? Who hired the caregiver?
This is a very suspicious situation. No question, get the guy out and find a memory care facility for dad. Nothing like the company of others to keep caregivers honest. This guy won't even let family visit? There is something very wrong with this picture. Today is not soon enough. Even references can be a setup in a situation like this. Maybe a scam for a scam that includes the caregiver and the references. I hope someone is on the way over there now.
Check to make sure stuff hasn't been stolen, then get rid of this person..
Glad - you're right - there must be something there that the caregiver is after. Money or whatever. The divide and conquer tactic appears to be how he is going to get it.
Psychological abuse
This includes someone emotionally abusing you or threatening to hurt or abandon you, stopping you from seeing people, and humiliating, blaming, controlling, intimidating or harassing you. It also includes verbal abuse, cyber bullying and isolation, or an unreasonable and unjustified withdrawal of services or support networks.
First, I would think the caregiver would WANT the family to be around to learn what methods are helpful and will work with your father. Family support is absolutely necessary. It's not an either the caregiver or the family - it's a joint, cooperative, collaborative effort.
Second, this sounds too much like a hostile takeover, a sort of scorched earth hostile takeover.
Third, I can understand if siblings were interfering with the caregiver's methods, but to isolate your parent is more than a red flag; to me it's a sign that the caregiver wants the family out of the way so he can manage things his way...and do who knows what?
Fourth, is this guy employed through an agency? If not, that's another big red flag. You have NO RECOURSE to get rid of him easily if he turns out to be a swindler or has sticky fingers that end up in your father's financial assets. He could easily get into financial records, change locks, and create a fortress of which he's the guard.
Fifth, removing possessions and creating an alienation situation is a massive dead giveaway for establishing domination - not just control, but domination. (Think of Christian Grey in the movie - TOTAL domination.)
(Did he by chance bring a whip that he could shake to make your father perform? Obviously I'm being facetious, but that's the way I see this.)
Sixth, how is he being paid? If he's not through an agency, you know that you either have to pay him as an independent contractor or treat him as an employee, take deductions and issue a 1099 at the end of the year.
You should also consider, as my insurance agent advised me, that you should get an employer's worker's comp policy in the event this guy is injured. In my area, they cost $750 to $1000 annually; the premiums will increase every year. If this guy gets hurt on the job (and who's to say when the family has been kicked out?), you/your father could end up paying compensation for his injuries for years. This could be a scam in the making.
Get rid of this guy now. And explain to those in the family who think he's acceptable that you've been advised by your insurance agent to hire someone through an agency.
After posting, I couldn't help thinking: "Stockholm Syndrome in the making" - isolate, divide and conquer, subdue, create dependence and reliance, take control.
I wrote in response to Phoenix' comment, querying the disaster that could be created if this guy did begin to create a Stockholm Syndrome. The father would be attached to him and totally at a loss, confused, despondent and more when the guy was fired.
Agree with all the red flags.
Dad's house has become an unfamiliar place to him. Bad situation for anyone of us especially the elderly.
Do not let your brother move out he is a safety net. Not the caregivers call. Dad needs his kids around him. They are the people he knows best.
When you place someone in an institution it is often advised that family do not visit for several weeks so the elder can become acclimatized. Personally being separated from my family and friends would be worse than being placed in an institution.
Next thing the caregiver will demand medications to keep Dad "calm"
No No No , Fire the caregiver effective immediately . Give him the salary he would have earned in the periods of the agreed notice but he leaves at once.
I can see Tacy's point of view about visiting caregivers being absent when they only come in for an hour of two to bathe etc. Having a caregiver naturally want to talk and receive sympathy for their troubles and tribulations while it is natural and professionals realize they are lonely and stressed it really cuts into the time they have for patient care. Once a routine is established to the patient's liking it makes the aides job so much easier and allows them to get more done.
Everyone knows how long it takes to bath someone, change bedlinens do patient's laundry, do dressings. clean and tidy the bedroom and bathroom, prepare a light meal and help patient eat. A visiting aide is there solely for the patient and it is very important they give the patient their entire attention.
A live in caregiver is a different kettle of fish they definitely should not be the patient's sole contact with other humans. They should be part of the team that includes all family members and friends that the patient want to see.
We all cling to our "stuff" and everyone knows how devastating it can be to have to downsize.
I see the point about keeping dad's house clean and sanitary but unless he has allergies or a respiratory condition it's the dust he has always lived with and the caregiver can take care of it