My 91 year old father lived alone but has increasing trouble with forgetfulness and daily needs. He can dress himself, walk on his own, play the piano and be very charming and with it but then he forgets what happened in the present. He makes numerous phone calls to all our siblings because he can't remember that he just called.This caregiver is trying to train my father to rely solely on him and to change things that my father used to do and that brought him comfort. My brother stayed upstairs in the evenings and the caregiver wants him out and wants us not to pick up my fathers phone calls . I
Is it right for a newly hired live-in caregiver to demand that the family members do not visit or call so that he can train the elder person?
Just to answer that bit then my answer stands no fire him/her. (S)he is hired to do a job they can DISCUSS and make RECOMMENDATIONS and SUGGEST and ADVISE but demand? really?? Not anyone I hire for sure. Now the train bit is difficult as the OP says TRAIN was her word the person probably said I need to work with xxxx so that I can get him into a structure/ regime/routine that works for him
All that is fine - I would accept that as long as this is not DEMANDED and is arranged through discussion and negotiation
Now the next bit is the bit I am not happy about at all
My brother stayed upstairs in the evenings and the caregiver wants him out and wants us not to pick up my fathers phone calls . \\What the caregiver wants and what the caregiver gets are 2 different things. If I had a new employee I would monitor their performance over the first 6 months - its called a probationary period. If at any time I had reservations I would have the discussion and record it and we would both sign a way forward. I am fully aware that this caregiver wants to works one on one with Dad but they have to prove themselves first - you can't just walk in and say I demand this this and this. What should have been said is this:
Eventually I will need to work one on one with Dad so that he learns to rely more on me than you and therefore you get relieved of the phone calls. That's going to take some time so I want to work with you and him to begin with to find out how his day is planned and then we can get some sort of structure in place. Then we can move forward.
Slow and steady not straight in like a block of cement being lobbed into a paddling pool
If he is a direct hire do you/he have a written contract.
Good Luck
Not for my dog or my cat if I had either
Hoping you are okay, that your sibs pulled together and not against you. And, hope that Dad is safe.
Can you let us know, because I care.
Thank you for your concern and my apologies for not responding sooner. Thanks to your advice, my siblings and I have had many conversations and discussions. We now have a new caregiver for my father who has been satisfactory so far. We are still considering moving him to an outside facility in the future, but so far things are ok. Thank you again.
If anything, you and your siblings had to get together on this! And Dad is okay!
It makes me think of a friend of mine who was 92 and lived by herself, renting an old mobile on an acre of land. We weren't really personally close, but I brought her water every month for 5 years when her well went bad, so saw her at least that often. She was a wonderful old gal - had an entire room set up with professional-level machines and bales of material and spent her time making small quilts to give away to nursing homes, safe houses, hospices, etc. Anyway, a "friend" from church moved in with her to "help" (It didn't seem like she really needed someone there all the time, and I'm guessing it was more they said they needed some place to stay...). The woman was only there for about 4 or 5 months, but since she was there I wasn't regularly bringing the water... I did stop by to visit several times, though, and didn’t get a really good feeling of being welcomed by the “helper”, and Mettie didn’t seem really happy. The third time I was told Mettie had died - just toppled over and gone! The "friend" had then arranged with the owner/landlord of the property to stay on in the mobile, and was really busy hauling all of Mettie's stuff to the dump or Goodwill when I stopped by. Of course, she hadn't bothered to call me (or probably anyone else) to let me know what had happened... I so wish there had been someone responsible watching out for Mettie, and I am still suspicious of the whole thing. Some people can be rotten!
This caretaker should be replaced.
Is incredibly vunerable. You and your siblings should be able to drop in at any time and every thing should feel right and look right when you do.
What is this carer trying to keep hidden that cant be observed by family
Something, not right about it.
Chòse another carer who is fine with family popping in.
Openness is more trustworthy.
Perhaps a few restricted tasks might necessitate some work with the patient, but nothing to the extent that would require seclusion from family.
This not only sets up red flags. It should scare any family members silly.
I would fire this person IMMEDIATELY.